Angelina Jolie’s breasts “doing well” after amputation of Angelina Jolie

The two C-cup breasts are on their way to a full recovery after undergoing a series of procedures to remove Angelina Jolie in late April.

The breasts had the Hollywood star pre-emptively amputated in order to minimise the chances of becoming attached to a washed-up celebrity, which her publicist and doctors said there was an 87.5% chance of occurring. The condition is hereditary: Jon Voight, her father, was nominated for a Razzie in 2007 and has been reduced to playing cameo roles in comedies like Tropic Thunder, and is generally a nobody nowadays. Faced with the overwhelming odds, the breasts opted to have the extensive procedures in an undisclosed hospital, where some 50kg of excess flesh was removed. Surgeons agree that it’s a type of ectomy but can’t reach a consensus on which type.

“It wasn’t an easy choice. We knew that in the short term she’s getting more than her fair share of press coverage but in the long run people will stop giving a shit about her once she gets reconstructive surgery to look like nothing ever happened. Besides, as soon as she starts to lose her looks that’ll be it. We made the right decision.”

There are already rumours that the pair have signed a two-year contract with CBS to host their own talk show where one breast berates the guest while the other consoles him/her, acting as a pillow when necessary.

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Pimlico explosion caused by “suicidal electrons”

The pavement explosion in Pimlico, London on Thursday that narrowly missed a passer-by was believed to be caused by faulty power cables, though this merely explains how it was initiated and not where the energy came from to create a mini mushroom cloud that popped out of the pavement like an actual fucking mushroom.

The source of the explosion was an injection of electrons in an excited state, which then decayed at the opportune moment to dump all of their energy into the power cable, which was unable to handle the surge in current at its weak point. These excited electrons are very similar to radioactive isotopes (like uranium) that decay to release large amounts of energy. Normally, electrons are quite stable – the industrialised world wouldn’t function otherwise – but they can be coaxed into this excited and “suicidal” state by increasing their voltage to several million. The local power grid is then hacked into and the electrons uploaded to it, which travel down wires until they eventually decay and explode.

With the right know-how, anyone with a pack of AA batteries, an internet connection and an uplink to the National Grid could potentially set off one of these explosions anywhere connected to the mains power supply, though the random nature of the decays means it’s difficult for terrorists or loner computer nerds to target specific areas, as it is for any regular people who might want to cause mayhem.

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North Korea reports complete destruction of South Korea, Japan and USA

Media outlets in Pyongyang are reporting the “complete and utter destruction” of South Korea, Japan and parts of the USA after they refused to heed their threats that any interference with their missile tests, or any military action at all, would be met with a swift response from the fist of mighty Kim Il-Sung.

The country’s populace are preparing to celebrate their victory over their foes, anticipating a nationwide feast now there are no enemies to ruin their harvests. North Korea’s UN ambassador made his country’s message clear: “We could not tolerate the aggression of the USA and its allies any longer, nor claims by its media that our threats were empty. Now the only things that are empty are the streets of Seoul and Tokyo. Let this be a warning to anyone who dares to underestimate North Korea, henceforth known as just Korea.”

The deployment of nuclear missiles is the culmination of months of mounting tensions and escalating threats from both sides, apart from Japan which was too busy trying to deal with China to worry about North Korea. A spokesperson for Japan described the blasé attitude of his country in the face of annihilation:  “A couple nukes aren’t enough to scare us any more – the surprise factor kind of wears off after the second time. And we’re practically immune to fallout now.”