Richard Madeley discovered being behind Twitter trolls

Spring Book Club launch - London

The face that once greeted the unemployed every morning has been discovered to be behind the Twitter accounts calling for the rape of his daughter, following an investigation by the police.

Data from Twitter revealed that 15 of the accounts responsible for sending the inflammatory tweets were all registered within two hours of each other on 15 October, and by the same IP address that can be pinpointed to Hampstead, London, where Madeley lives. However, many of the twitter trolls are believed to legitimate accounts, and are suspected to have simply joined in on action.

Friends close to Madeley shed light on his motivation for the attack, revealing that he was “incredibly annoyed” by his wife’s comments but didn’t have the energy to call her out over it directly. He also had a fair few to drink that night, which brought out the spitefulness in him – “As a father, Richard knew that the worst thing you can do is to threaten someone’s child.” They also claim that Madeley has since learnt his lesson, and in future will use a proxy or TOR to hide his identity on the internet.

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Ebola epidemic sees spike in users playing Pandemic game

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The current epidemic of the Ebola virus disease, which has claimed over 3,000 lives so far, has caused web traffic to the website hosting the Pandemic game to double since the outbreak.

The web-based Flash game allows the player to create and customise their own microbial agent, in an attempt to infect and kill as much of Earth’s population as possible. The game allows anyone with a stable internet connection to simulate and experience the horrors of a lethal virus, bacteria or parasite that leaves pus and destruction in its wake without having to risk so much as stepping outside their home, a luxury unfortunately not afforded to those residing in West Africa.

Pandemic’s resemblance to real-life events has brought the game back into the public conscience, with number of visitors to crazymonkeygames.com (where the game can be played) doubling 24 hours after news that a man in Texas has contracted Ebola. However, players are quick to admit that the outbreak is rather unrealistic. The main complaint is that no player would ever invest evolution points in lethal symptoms like haemorrhaging this early in the game, and should rather try to get transmission up as quickly as possible. The other is that the virus has managed to spread to two regions without Madagascar closing its ports.

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South West trains to offer working class seating

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The current rolling stock will be outfitted with handlebars on the outside to allow up to 50 passengers to travel on the outside of each carriage.

Rail operator South West Trains is to introduce new “working class” tickets from 2017, as part of a drive to provide more affordable travel at the cost of comfort and dignity.

From January 2017, passengers will have the option of buying discounted peak, off-peak and season tickets that will allow them to cling to the side of the train. For the weak, elderly and otherwise unable to hold on to a metal tube flying at 100km/h for an hour, there is the option of lying prone inside the carriage for the same price. To discourage buying a cheaper fare and having the privilege of sitting down, South West will issue a £100 fine to any working class ticket holders found sitting down or looking like they aren’t completely humiliated, or if they are caught clinging to the first class carriage. A spokesperson for South West justified the latter fine: “It would ruin the experience for our First Class customers if they had to endure hearing the screams of passengers falling to their death after losing their grip.”

The new pricing system has been well-received: Southern praised its quasi-competitor South West for being an industry leader for offering not only cheaper fares, but also a way to increase the capacity of the current rolling stock. “All this time we’ve been thinking of how to pack more people inside the trains or get more of them. Not once did we consider hanging them on the outside like a student’s wardrobe. Genius.”

However, the move comes as a complete surprise to many, as it appears to contradict the rail company’s business model of shuttling rich shits around the south of England.

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Westminster willing to give up oil rights to keep Union Jack if Scotland votes for independence

dailymail.co.uk

The proposed revision of the Union Jack has been variously described as “revenge for Margaret Thatcher” and “the vexillological equivalent of wearing shoes without socks.”

As the referendum for Scottish independence this Thursday approaches, Westminster has announced it will relinquish all claims to North Sea oil if they could just keep the blue background on the Union Jack.

Currently, the United Kingdom’s flag is a composite of those of its constituent countries – minus Wales, a decision that was as much about fucking over the Welsh as it is for the aesthetic reason of keeping a dragon off what is actually a decent design. If Scotland leaves the Union it will likely take the flag of St. Andrews with it, leaving the Union Jack without any blue (pictured). In response to this prospect the government in London has stated that it will “strongly consider” giving up any claims to oil in the North Sea in return for keeping the flag as it is. A spokesperson said: “We are willing to make concessions just as long we don’t get stuck with such an ugly flag. It looks like someone tried to print a real one out but ran out of ink half way.”

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Nick Clegg ‘s phone battery “lost charge” during benefit bill Commons vote

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The NATO summit was held over 4-5 September in Newport and Cardiff.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was out of reach last week during the House of Commons vote to back the Affordable Homes bill due to a dead phone battery and lack of charger, it has been revealed.

The vote saw Labour and the Liberal Democrats defeat the Conservatives 306 to 231 to overcome the first hurdle of passing a bill that could help reverse some of the changes to benefits payments introduced during the Coalition’s premiership. Nick Clegg was not present as he was attending a NATO summit in Wales, and did not vote. As the Liberal Democrats began to give their ayes to the bill, David Cameron made several phone calls to Clegg in order to take his vote by proxy, which were met with Clegg’s voicemail as his mobile phone battery lost its charge half an hour before the bill was put to the House of Commons. Several text messages were also sent in a last-ditch attempt to reach him:

you around?? We’re putting some stupid bill to a vote and we could really do with your vote here mate

i get it, this your revenge for that whole tuition fee u-turn thing right? fine we’re even JUST GET ON THE PHONE PLEASE!!!!

if you don’t answer your phone in 5 minutes I swear I’ll get Nigel to challenge you to another TV debate

On his return to London, Clegg stated that he would have totally voted against the bill if he could, and sincerely regretted forgetting to bring a charger, or asking any of the leaders to borrow theirs during the summit.

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Area man wishes his friends could put their dicks down for one second and engage him in a debate about the leak of celebrity nude photos

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Jennifer Lawrence was one of many female celebrities whose private photos and videos were leaked on 31 August.

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Richard Dawkins caught secretly worshipping God

Mass is held at 11am on Sundays at the church.

The service is held at 11am every Sunday at the church.

The author of “The Selfish Gene” and general bag of dicks to religious people was sighted in a a church attending Mass last Sunday, eye-witness accounts reveal.

Richard Dawkins was spotted at the All Saints Church in Notting Hill, London, mouthing the words to hymns, praying and taking communion along the other hundred or so faithful present. dressed in a coat with high collars and wearing sunglasses, attire that others considered unusual for summer and the indoors venue. One of the churchgoers reports that he approached Dawkins after the sermon to ask for his autograph, which he politely turned down claiming that he wasn’t actually Richard Dawkins, but gets ‘mixed up with him all the time’. However, following him to the Tube station he saw the lookalike take off his disguise where he could get full view of his face and confirm the man’s identity.

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