Pope: “It’s a fucking sausage fest in here”

“It’s worse than going to Imperial College”

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Pope Francis expressed his views on the current sex ratio of the Vatican in a sermon this morning, it has been revealed.

“When I signed up for this gig I was told that there would be a minimum of one woman for every three men. It’s been a year now and the closest I’ve seen to a pair of X chromosomes in the Vatican is an effeminate eunuch who we let in here to sing in the choir. It’s a fucking sausage fest in here – I know Italy is known for its meat products but this is ridiculous. I’m the head poncho here and even I’m starting to feel the blue balls, despite having a full plate of meetings, orphanage openings and good will to spread. I can’t imagine what toll it’s taking on the other priests. The other day I swear I saw one of them eye up one of the altar boys – I just think: “What kind of messed up system do we have where men are denied their natural urges only to force them to bum a six-year-old?”

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65% of journalists admit to winging it when it comes to splitting their articles into paragraphs

 

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“I dunno, you just lump together related sentences and hope for the best, really. And when it comes to judging the right length, I just ask myself I could be arsed to read the paragraph, and if the answer is no I split it in two. Repeat until I can go through my entire article without having to check Facebook or Reddit in between. I’ve been doing ever since I forgot at university what I learned in primary school on using paragraphs, and nobody’s called me out on it yet.”

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UK Government gutted it doesn’t have any bad news to offload amidst Malaysia plane disappearance

“It’s a real shame, we could have announced a tax hike and literally nobody would notice until they saw their wages.”

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Sight of make-up-free women alerts man to the horrors of cancer

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A healthy, unidentified man in his late 20′s was suddenly stricken with grief this morning, when the numerous images of women without make-up on his Facebook feed reminded him of the crushing horror that cancer inflicts on its victims.

“Before today I went about my life without giving so much as a second thought to cancer, how it afflicts 1/3 of every person alive at some point, or that there are several types of it that are aggressive and almost impossible to cure. But seeing all these pictures of my friends, family and ex-girlfriends without make-up really drove it home for me. I’m going to make a sizeable donation to cancer research immediately.”

The man, who prefers to stay anonymous, admitted that he previously never even considered donating to charity, and is grateful for the internet phenomenon for opening his eyes to the power that crowdsourced donations can make. “I’m confident that if this trend continues we’ll be able to eliminate cancer entirely, just like we got rid of Joseph Kony this time two years ago.”

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Russia announces plans to install gay missile defence system

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As well as gay missiles, the system’s advanced gaydar capabilities will be able to detect the presence of rainbows up to 1300 kilometres away.

Russia Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov announced plans today that will see an array of anti-gay-missile shields installed along Russia’s border with Ukraine.

The system will comprise of two components. State-of-the-art gaydar stations that will be able to detect incoming gay missiles (and regular ones painted in fabulous colours), homosexual weapon payloads and gay-sympathising soldiers coming from Eastern Europe. Once the target has been acquired, batteries of grey kilowatt lasers will be fired to destroy it, or at least make it less gay before impacting Russia. The system, whose construction begins late 2014, will cost Russia an estimated $50 billion over the next five years, though this will be offset by the boost to the economy that a booming population will bring, thanks to the increase in heterosexual sex.

Despite the obvious benefits to Russia of the array to defend it from the omnipresent threat that gay missiles and activists pose, many are concerned that it may be used against them if hijacked, as its detection capabilities could be used by the enemy to seek out and have hook up with other hot single males in the area.

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Labour voters told: “It would be a terrible shame if something were to happen to Ed Milliband”

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A statement released by the Conservative party this morning revealed that they would express great sorrow in the event of the untimely yet completely accidental demise of Labour leader Ed Milliband.

“We offer our deepest condolences to anyone affected by the death of Bob Crow and Tony Benn, two great Labour statesmen who happened to die one very soon after the other this week. We would like to assure that the Labour party and particularly its voters that, should Ed Milliband fall to a brutal and unexpected death during this time of mourning, they will not be alone in their grief of losing so many esteemed members in such a short time. It would be not only a terrible shame if something happened to Ed Milliband, but a great surprise to all – man in his prime: one can only imagine the means required to bring down a healthy adult. In the face of such loss, we will stand united regardless of political stance, or which box we tick in the electoral booth.”

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Bob Crow to unionise Hell

“Satan’s plutocratic days are numbered”

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Bob Crow, the late General Secretary of the ┬áNational Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers (RMT), has vowed “not to rest in peace until workers in Hell get a fairer deal”, a conversation with a ouija board revealed this afternoon.

The union leader, who helped secure pensions for thousands of in the transport sector and fuck over the mornings of millions of commuters, died earlier today and was sent to Hell, where he was immediately appalled by the conditions that workers are enduring: no minimum wage, zero hour contracts and a lack of air conditioning despite being stuck several kilometres below the surface. Crow added: “There are people here mining sulphur without gas masks or fireproof clothing – I’ve been here for two hours and have already seen someone fall into a pit of lava.”

Workers’ rights in Hell have been steadily eroded over the past 2000 years since the installation of Satan as overseer of the dominion, for those who are lucky enough to have kept their jobs in the first place. The large influx of souls condemned to eternal damnation during the Black Death, pushed the economy of Hell to breaking point as it struggled to create jobs that lasted until the end of time. During this period, trade unions lost a lot of their power and haven’t recovered since -something Bob Crow promises to change. “My work has only just begun on restoring the trade unions of the Underground to make sure the damned get pensions and fair wages.”

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