Your father arrested for sexual assault

Your father has been placed under arrest following allegations of sexually assaulting several young boys and women, sources revealed this morning.

Your father, yes the man who clothed, fed and raised you for at least 18 years, was pulled in for questioning a fortnight ago when rumours surfaced that he groped the next door neighbour’s hot but of-questionable-age daughter at a barbecue one summer twelve years ago. It was then that suddenly a whole bunch of other stories of sexual abuse, suspicious behaviour and looking at people funny came to light that prompted the police to open an formal investigation on your father, the last person you would never think was capable of such acts. The rock of your family and respected member of the community emphatically denies the allegations: “I honestly have no idea where these rumours came from – I’ve never laid a finger (or two) on anyone else but my wife and Sarah from 9th grade.” Your father, or Dad as he is more commonly known, hastily added that he was also in 9th grade at the time when he did things with the aforementioned Sarah.

If found guilty of the charges raised, your father faces up to eight years in jail, forcing you and your mother to completely re-evaluate your worldview and possibly disown one of the biggest influences in your life.

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Year-long fast for homeless man continues

A devout but homeless Muslim continues to fast, even as Eid-ul-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan.

Muslims across the world have abstained from food and water during daylight hours for the holy month of Ramadan, with three-day celebrations of Eid at the end by stuffing their faces with an entire month’s worth of calories. However, Mohammed, from the street corner opposite Sainsburys, plans to continue fasting.

“If it’s holy to fast during Ramadan, it’s doubly so for the rest of the year when I don’t have the comforting thought of everyone else doing it at the same time. You could say I’m doing it because of my unshakeable faith in Allah, sure. It could also be because I’m trying to lose weight, detox from eating unhealthy foods, and understand the plight of those who have very little to eat – take your pick.”

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Masturbation to drive chimpanzees “extinct by 2050″


A report released by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) has revealed that the common chimpanzee might soon be on the brink of extinction after a troop of them in the wild learned how to masturbate five years ago.

in 2009 conservationists from the WWF observed chimpanzees in Tai National Park (in southern Côte d’Ivoire) stimulating their own genitals using their hands, smooth stones and branches, while completely disregarding other members of their troop until they achieved orgasm. As a result of being able to satisfy their sexual urges on their own, the chimpanzees decided to completely forgo any attempts at mating with their species throughout the six months that the team spent studying the population. When they returned in June this year they saw that the behaviour had spread to the national park’s entire population, including the complete disinterest in members of the opposite sex. It is this that has them worried, says Dr. Joanna Mailer, head ecologist of the group.

“We did a survey of the park and found birth rates have dropped 90% in the five years since we last came here – nearly every chimpanzee we have encountered so far has stopped having sex altogether. It’s a case of monkey-see monkey-do, the activity has caught on incredibly quickly. There’s nothing special about the population here either, so I don’t see why this won’t spread the rest of the populations in western Africa. If this happens, we’re looking at the complete extinction of the species in as few as 35 years, roughly long enough for the last born chimps to die of old age. It might sound like a joke now, but these apes are literally wanking themselves to death.”

The problem is not an unwillingness or apathy towards mating – as seen in giant pandas – rather that the opportunity cost of competing for and pursuing a mate, is now far too high for any chimpanzee who knows how to pleasure itself. “Unfortunately these guys are clever enough to realise that not only can they avoid getting injured in fights between other males over a female, but they can spend all that time getting several more orgasms at their convenience. And yes, they’re also clever enough to design rudimentary sex toys that no male chimpanzee could ever live up to.”

There is hope, however. The WWF is looking into methods of curtailing the rampant masturbation that could drive the species to extinction. “We are in talks with a pastor from the Mormon Church and see if they can send some missionaries over.”


England fan has no secondary nationality to fall back on

A disappointed but unsurprised football fan today felt cheated by having purely Anglo-Saxon ancestry when England exited the World Cup with a game in hand, as it leaves him with no backup country to have a claim to reasonably support.

“I’m pure-bred English, my bloodline can be traced all the way back to 5th-century Anglo-Saxons. Now if one of them fucked a Norman I could’ve at least had a shot at supporting France, which aren’t doing too badly at the moment. It’s bloody embarrassing, Aaron is half Dutch and Dave’s like a sixteenth German. And Rakesh’s country isn’t even in the World Cup, so he basically gets a blank cheque to support whichever team he wants. I just wish England were either too shit to kick a ball straight, or got their act together and made an impact in an international tournament, rather than consistently fucking up in the most anticlimactic way. I mean, they didn’t even get disqualified until they were off the pitch. It’s like watching 11 Tim Henman clones play football.”

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Nigel Farage wants to divorce his wife but also to keep having sex with her


“Being in a marriage is not only a drain on my wallet but also removes my executive control of major decisions. And what do I get in return? Sex maybe twice a week and someone to cuddle every now and again – things I can get without being tied down to a union with another person. I look towards a couple of my friends as examples, who have a “friends with benefits” arrangement without the hassle of emotional or financial attachment. I think that’s a relationship model that I should personally strive for.”

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Jeremy Clarkson urges people not to watch Top Gear at full volume


After being given a “final warning” by the BBC for saying the racial slur “nigger” on national television – immediate dismissal if he says anything offensive – long time presenter of Top Gear and eurosceptic Jeremy Clarkson has urged, for the sake of his career, that everyone watches his show with the volume turned down a bit.

In response to the BBC’s statement, Jeremy Clarkson asked everyone to show a bit of consideration by watching Top Gear as quietly as possible in order to avoid anyone potentially hearing anything else that’s discriminatory or racist that he mutters under his breath.  He added: “Ideally, you’d be watching Top Gear on mute: why should you even be paying attention to what we’re saying when the show is all about the cars? If you wanted to hear the banter of three middle-aged men who aren’t really that funny you can go to the pub.” The appeal came after Jeremy Clarkson’s realisation that his entire career revolves around being slightly offensive, and that the BBC will otherwise probably find at least five reasons to fire him in the next shooting of the show.

He also recommends the same for his apology video, because if you listen very carefully with the volume turned up high, you can hear his feet furiously backpedalling.


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Ed Milliband denies that England is a country


Following the assertion by Eric Pickles that England is a Christian country, and David Cameron’s claim that he’s “continuing Jesus’s work”,  the leader of the Labour Party has hit back denying that England is a Christian country, or a country at all.

“Eric Pickles does not represent the views of Labour – we by no means claim that England has Christian leanings of any sort. To say as such, I think, it deeply offensive to the many Muslims, atheists and other creeds to suggest so. Similarly, saying that England is a country is needlessly inflammatory and confining for anyone who has their own opinion of what England is. Personally I think England is a collection of city-states and fiefdoms united under a common language and crown, but you don’t hear me telling everyone else that’s what it is.”

When asked for Labour’s stance on the categorisation of the regions in the British Isles excepting the Republic of Ireland, Milliband refused to comment.

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