From January 2017, passengers will have the option of buying discounted peak, off-peak and season tickets that will allow them to cling to the side of the train. For the weak, elderly and otherwise unable to hold on to a metal tube flying at 100km/h for an hour, there is the option of lying prone inside the carriage for the same price. To discourage buying a cheaper fare and having the privilege of sitting down, South West will issue a £100 fine to any working class ticket holders found sitting down or looking like they aren’t completely humiliated, or if they are caught clinging to the first class carriage. A spokesperson for South West justified the latter fine: “It would ruin the experience for our First Class customers if they had to endure hearing the screams of passengers falling to their death after losing their grip.”
The new pricing system has been well-received: Southern praised its quasi-competitor South West for being an industry leader for offering not only cheaper fares, but also a way to increase the capacity of the current rolling stock. “All this time we’ve been thinking of how to pack more people inside the trains or get more of them. Not once did we consider hanging them on the outside like a student’s wardrobe. Genius.”
However, the move comes as a complete surprise to many, as it appears to contradict the rail company’s business model of shuttling rich shits around the south of England.
As the referendum for Scottish independence this Thursday approaches, Westminster has announced it will relinquish all claims to North Sea oil if they could just keep the blue background on the Union Jack.
Currently, the United Kingdom’s flag is a composite of those of its constituent countries – minus Wales, a decision that was as much about fucking over the Welsh as it is for the aesthetic reason of keeping a dragon off what is actually a decent design. If Scotland leaves the Union it will likely take the flag of St. Andrews with it, leaving the Union Jack without any blue (pictured). In response to this prospect the government in London has stated that it will “strongly consider” giving up any claims to oil in the North Sea in return for keeping the flag as it is. A spokesperson said: “We are willing to make concessions just as long we don’t get stuck with such an ugly flag. It looks like someone tried to print a real one out but ran out of ink half way.”
The vote saw Labour and the Liberal Democrats defeat the Conservatives 306 to 231 to overcome the first hurdle of passing a bill that could help reverse some of the changes to benefits payments introduced during the Coalition’s premiership. Nick Clegg was not present as he was attending a NATO summit in Wales, and did not vote. As the Liberal Democrats began to give their ayes to the bill, David Cameron made several phone calls to Clegg in order to take his vote by proxy, which were met with Clegg’s voicemail as his mobile phone battery lost its charge half an hour before the bill was put to the House of Commons. Several text messages were also sent in a last-ditch attempt to reach him:
you around?? We’re putting some stupid bill to a vote and we could really do with your vote here mate
i get it, this your revenge for that whole tuition fee u-turn thing right? fine we’re even JUST GET ON THE PHONE PLEASE!!!!
if you don’t answer your phone in 5 minutes I swear I’ll get Nigel to challenge you to another TV debate
On his return to London, Clegg stated that he would have totally voted against the bill if he could, and sincerely regretted forgetting to bring a charger, or asking any of the leaders to borrow theirs during the summit.
The author of “The Selfish Gene” and general bag of dicks to religious people was sighted in a a church attending Mass last Sunday, eye-witness accounts reveal.
Richard Dawkins was spotted at the All Saints Church in Notting Hill, London, mouthing the words to hymns, praying and taking communion along the other hundred or so faithful present. dressed in a coat with high collars and wearing sunglasses, attire that others considered unusual for summer and the indoors venue. One of the churchgoers reports that he approached Dawkins after the sermon to ask for his autograph, which he politely turned down claiming that he wasn’t actually Richard Dawkins, but gets ‘mixed up with him all the time’. However, following him to the Tube station he saw the lookalike take off his disguise where he could get full view of his face and confirm the man’s identity.
Your father has been placed under arrest following allegations of sexually assaulting several young boys and women, sources revealed this morning.
Your father, yes the man who clothed, fed and raised you for at least 18 years, was pulled in for questioning a fortnight ago when rumours surfaced that he groped the next door neighbour’s hot but of-questionable-age daughter at a barbecue one summer twelve years ago. It was then that suddenly a whole bunch of other stories of sexual abuse, suspicious behaviour and looking at people funny came to light that prompted the police to open an formal investigation on your father, the last person you would never think was capable of such acts. The rock of your family and respected member of the community emphatically denies the allegations: “I honestly have no idea where these rumours came from – I’ve never laid a finger (or two) on anyone else but my wife and Sarah from 9th grade.” Your father, or Dad as he is more commonly known, hastily added that he was also in 9th grade at the time when he did things with the aforementioned Sarah.
If found guilty of the charges raised, your father faces up to eight years in jail, forcing you and your mother to completely re-evaluate your worldview and possibly disown one of the biggest influences in your life.
A devout but homeless Muslim continues to fast, even as Eid-ul-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan.
Muslims across the world have abstained from food and water during daylight hours for the holy month of Ramadan, with three-day celebrations of Eid at the end by stuffing their faces with an entire month’s worth of calories. However, Mohammed, from the street corner opposite Sainsburys, plans to continue fasting.
“If it’s holy to fast during Ramadan, it’s doubly so for the rest of the year when I don’t have the comforting thought of everyone else doing it at the same time. You could say I’m doing it because of my unshakeable faith in Allah, sure. It could also be because I’m trying to lose weight, detox from eating unhealthy foods, and understand the plight of those who have very little to eat – take your pick.”