Osborne urges ‘stiff upper lip’ in face of spending cuts

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The austerity measures will affect everyone: for example, the Chancellor will be forced to get an even smaller briefcase.

George Osborne called for UK citizens to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of impending cuts to public spending, he announced this morning.

The Chancellor will be delivering the second budget this year in July, which is expected to helpfully fill everyone in on the details omitted in the run-up to the election, such as the £12 billion in cuts that has everyone shitting themselves so hard that their toilets could be mistaken for the Conservative manifesto.  The speech this morning was an attempt to allay some of those fears: “I know that it will be a difficult time for those who rely on disability benefits, the NHS and income support. Some of you may even find yourselves going to bed hungry on some nights. This is why I urge you all: no matter how loud your stomach rumbles, or how loudly your kids cry because they’re spending another night in the park, not to let it get to you. Keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, that’s what makes this country truly great, what being British is truly about.”

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Thousands of immigrants reject being refused entry into UK

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Immigrants coming from outside the European Union are unanimously rejecting refusals to be granted visas to enter the UK, it has been revealed.

Despite promises by personnel at customs checkpoints that any immigrants will not be allowed into the country who do not meet the required criteria, they are finding themselves powerless but to accept waves of people who have travelled from as far as East Africa or Central Asia.

It appears that the immigrants have taken a leaf out of Nigel Farage’s book, who earlier announced that his resignation as leader of UKIP was rejected by its party members, and as such will begrudgingly return for another round of pints and frog impersonations.

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Ed Balls: “I’m voting Lib Dem”

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Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls announced that he will be casting a ballot for the Liberal Democrats on Thursday, it was revealed this morning.

He spoke candidly to a old man while on the campaign trail in Leeds, who jokingly asked Balls who he planned to vote for in the upcoming election. “I was already sold on Labour and Ed Balls seemed like the type I could crack a joke with, so I asked him who he’s voting for. I, uh, didn’t expect such a detailed answer.” Balls then proceeded to explain his choice of the Lib Dems, mentioning his approval of their version of the mansion tax, lifting low-paid earners out of paying income tax and a digital Bill of Rights. He hastily added that his views on the last point were completely unrelated to his gaffe four years ago where he tweeted his own name.

The response came to the surprise of absolutely everyone, as being the right-hand man of the Labour Party he would at least thrown his support behind the Greens. However, some saw it refreshing for a politician to be so self-destructingly honest for once. After the incident, Balls’s aides bundled him into the campaign car and angrily reminded him which party he actually belonged to by pointing to their red ties.

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Man glad he avoided the scam of buildings insurance as he watches his house burn down

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An unnamed man remained secure in his decision to forgo buildings insurance for his house based on the negative expectation value of any policy he might take out, even as he watch it burn to the ground last night. “Myself and my family may be homeless now, but I get comfort from thinking that averaged over millions of parallel universes, I come out further ahead than I would if I bought insurance.”

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Nigel Farage bets he could eat three shredded wheat

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UKIP bossman Nigel Farage has hit out against David Cameron after his shredded wheat analogy to explain that he won’t serve a third term. He said this morning: “A real politician is so busy he needs the energy of at least three shredded wheat to keep him going until lunch.”

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Sex offender’s register could be replaced with white list

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Demon Headmaster lookalike Theresa May has expressed support for replacing the current sex offender’s register with a white list of non-offenders, which would consequently initially exclude everyone ever involved with the BBC.

This comes after ‘Dr. Fox’ Neil Fox (whose doctorate is now presumed to be in gynaecology) was charged with nine counts of sexual assault, officially breaking the Beeb’s monopoly on celebrity paedophiles and sex pests.

According to one of May’s advisors, the sex offenders register is starting to look so bloated that in the near future that it might take less effort to maintain a list of people who haven’t fucked a 14-year-old or a 21-year-old who can lie to the press. “The current register was designed for a traditional British society where sexual misconduct was kept on the down low and as a result only have to deal with the odd few trickling in. It was never supposed to handle the full-blown tsunami of kiddy fiddling on our hands – for the first time ever last week we had to upgrade our servers to store all the new names added in the past year.”

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MPAA to define trilogy as four films

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As a follow-up to the announcement of the fourth installment of the Toy Story film franchise the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has made steps to define the word “trilogy” to mean four in the context of films.

A spokesman for the MPAA said in a press conference this morning: “The great thing about films is that if they’re successful we can pump out two more, cash in and claim that was our intention all along. But if we add a fourth, it becomes a quadrilogy which doesn’t roll off the tongue so nicely, and reminds our audience that maybe we’ve taken the franchise too far. And with the current economic climate as it is, we really don’t want to restrict ourselves to three films per ‘good idea’. Sequels are the only thing keeping this industry afloat apart from the reboot cycle of Batman/Superman films.”

The move is suspected to be in response to the criticism that Toy Story 4’s announcement has generated: many are worried that this means Pixar has finally realised that they can create as many Toy Story films as they want since toys age negligibly compared to humans.

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Boyfriend uses Fifty Shades of Grey’s rape controversy to get out of seeing it with girlfriend

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A man in North London successfully negotiated his way out of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with his girlfriend thanks to the mixed messages it sends about rape and consent.

Jason, 27, reluctantly agreed to see the movie adaptation of E.L. James’s softcore rape fantasy novel when the cinema release date was announced, as it would make his girlfriend happier than him bored and angry. It also served as a two-hour respite from his single friends on Facebook using the day as a storm drain for the crushing loneliness they feel for the other 364 days.

However, the cinema release was surrounded by yet more controversy that revived the debate on how rapey the book is, getting people all tied up in knots who would normally object to that kind of thing. Jason managed to use this to convince his other half that as much as he was looking forward to the film with her, he could not see it because it is glorifying violence against women.

“Aside from seeing women possibly being raped making me uncomfortable, I really didn’t want to watch a film adapted from such a poorly-written book. The problem now is she might pull a similar stunt on me using vegetarianism for Steak and Blowjob Day.”

 

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Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun

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The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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