Syrian government to impose quota on UK immigrants

The latest surge in westerners coming into the country and fucking everything up is the greatest Syria has seen since the end of the Second World War.

The Syrian government will limit the number of migrants from the UK o 10,000 from the start of next year, sources close to the president say.

The policy, which has been condemned by the USA as a ‘blatant move to restrict movement of the West in the Middle East’, is a response to the increasing problem of British citizens who come to the country looking to join ISIS or any other terrorist organisation that might be in the area. This comes after Turkey’s refusal to tighten border controls at the Bulgarian border, the last stop in the European Union before entering the Middle East. From here, swathes of dentists, lawyers and engineers make their way into Turkey and beyond after a gruelling three-hour Easyjet flight from London to Sofia.

Syria has seen a spike in British immigration in the past couple years, following the opportunities in terrorism and murder that opened up with the emergence of ISIS. However, reports show there are now a record 20 applicants for every place in the country’s numerous training camps.

“We’re over-subscribed.” says Abu bin-Walid, bomb instructor at a training camp in the outskirts of Damascus. “At first it was great, plenty of new recruits to spread the word of Allah and/or their guts all over the place. But now I can’t sort through candidates quickly enough. This morning I had to turn away an accountant who threatened to blow someone up if he didn’t get in. I told him if he did to tell me where he got his explosives from, because I’ve run out trying to equip my men, I’ve got so many of them.”

The influx of middle-class dickheads looking to leave behind a life of relative comfort in an industralised country has resulted in a chronic shortage of terrorism opportunities, taking away the one outlet that young, disenfranchised Syrian men have. “After meddling in this region’s politics, killing its people and exploiting its natural resources, they’ve come and taken the only thing they have left.”

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Tories worried they might have to beat a real Labour leader in 2020

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There are growing concerns among the Conservative Party that the 2020 general election may involve a real battle for 10 Downing St., a survey reveals.

Jeremy Corbyn’s recent surge in popularity among the public puts him as favourite to become the leader of Labour Party, which would see it depart from its previous model of electing people on the basis of not being a war criminal or being the best third-best choice. For the first time in a decade, Labour might actually be led by someone with strong public support.

As the only leader who offers a genuine alternative to 95% Blair-free Tory-Lite, the Conservatives may need to focus their election campaign on their policies, as opposed to scaring voters with the possibility of a United Kingdom that’s represented by its constituent countries. However, a comment by a senior Tory backbencher suggests that they are “always up for a bit of Scot-bashing”. However, he also mentioned that they are glad that a sure-fire leader has emerged so soon as this gives them extra time to dig up any dirt there might be on Corbyn.

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Donald Trump trying his hardest to be taken as a joke in US primaries

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Trump hired a photographer to take the worst possible photo of him while still wearing a suit.

Donald Trump is trying as hard as possible not to get elected as the Republican presidential candidate, sources close to him have revealed.

Since continuing his tradition of running for president every four years as a way of distracting people from his ridiculous haircut, Trump has compared the average Mexican immigrant to a rapist in an 881-word speech and and made tasteless period jokes about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly just to remind people not to take him seriously. In spite of his efforts to sound as well-informed as his business decisions, opinion polls show that his lead has only been slightly dented.

The real estate heir and The Apprentice star has even put forward an overly simplistic flat tax proposal that will need unicorns shit enough dollars to make up for the shortfall in tax receipts, in a last-ditch attempt to convince people that this is not the person to be put in charge of the world’s largest economy and nuclear stockpile. However, Trump’s endeavours were doomed to fail from the start as this is the same country where people still refuse pay rises on the belief that moving into a higher tax bracket reduce their take-home pay.

Trump is currently working on a statement that will appeal to pro-lifers’ stance against women’s rights while maintaining the visceral horror of aborting fetuses.

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The guy who pushed us into the EU literally a child molester, say UKIP

Affable bloke simulation Nigel Farage was quick to remind everyone on Twitter this morning that same Edward Heath who’s suspected of involvement in child abuse also oversaw the UK’s entry into the European Union, or the European Economic Community as it was known back then.

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Millions of American gay couples now scrambling for excuses not to get married

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Following the US Supreme Court ruling to legalise gay marriage, same-sex couples across the country are now having to quickly make up new excuses for why they aren’t going to tie the knot in the near future. Until today, they could easily sidestep the question by shaking an angry fist at their oppressive government. Now that the USA has finally pulled ahead of the likes of China and Turkey in civil rights, American gay men and women will need to be more creative with their excuses, like claiming that deep down they are homophobes who couldn’t bring themselves to accept gay marriage, or that they’re trying to avoid all the mistakes their parents made.

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Vue to label cinemas as quiet zones to stop people from using their phones

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Vue Cinema will be trialling fluorescent “Quiet Zone” labels in cinema screens at Stratford Westfield in an attempt to deter people from using their phones during film screenings.

Mobile phone usage at the cinema continues to be a problem, which which flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that you would not waste an experience you’ve literally paid time and money for by spending it making a phone call. The venue is therefore trying out the signs after seeing their unparalleled success on British rail networks in keeping people from using loud electronic devices, which is all the more unbelievable considering face-to-face conversations between two commuters about whether they prefer a fixed rate or variable mortgage is just fucking irritating.

The manager at Stratford explained the effectiveness of it on the trains. “If you stabbed a guy on a train into London and it was in a Quiet Zone, nobody would give a shit until the victim called 999. Within *seconds* some grumpy middle-aged cunt will see it as their civic duty to firmly remind them to take their call to the next carriage. If the sign can get Londoners to break their stoic indifference towards fellow passengers almost instantly, it should work in the cinema too.”

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