Nigel Farage bets he could eat three shredded wheat

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UKIP bossman Nigel Farage has hit out against David Cameron after his shredded wheat analogy to explain that he won’t serve a third term. He said this morning: “A real politician is so busy he needs the energy of at least three shredded wheat to keep him going until lunch.”

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Sex offender’s register could be replaced with white list

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Demon Headmaster lookalike Theresa May has expressed support for replacing the current sex offender’s register with a white list of non-offenders, which would consequently initially exclude everyone ever involved with the BBC.

This comes after ‘Dr. Fox’ Neil Fox (whose doctorate is now presumed to be in gynaecology) was charged with nine counts of sexual assault, officially breaking the Beeb’s monopoly on celebrity paedophiles and sex pests.

According to one of May’s advisors, the sex offenders register is starting to look so bloated that in the near future that it might take less effort to maintain a list of people who haven’t fucked a 14-year-old or a 21-year-old who can lie to the press. “The current register was designed for a traditional British society where sexual misconduct was kept on the down low and as a result only have to deal with the odd few trickling in. It was never supposed to handle the full-blown tsunami of kiddy fiddling on our hands – for the first time ever last week we had to upgrade our servers to store all the new names added in the past year.”

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MPAA to define trilogy as four films

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As a follow-up to the announcement of the fourth installment of the Toy Story film franchise the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has made steps to define the word “trilogy” to mean four in the context of films.

A spokesman for the MPAA said in a press conference this morning: “The great thing about films is that if they’re successful we can pump out two more, cash in and claim that was our intention all along. But if we add a fourth, it becomes a quadrilogy which doesn’t roll off the tongue so nicely, and reminds our audience that maybe we’ve taken the franchise too far. And with the current economic climate as it is, we really don’t want to restrict ourselves to three films per ‘good idea’. Sequels are the only thing keeping this industry afloat apart from the reboot cycle of Batman/Superman films.”

The move is suspected to be in response to the criticism that Toy Story 4’s announcement has generated: many are worried that this means Pixar has finally realised that they can create as many Toy Story films as they want since toys age negligibly compared to humans.

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Boyfriend uses Fifty Shades of Grey’s rape controversy to get out of seeing it with girlfriend

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A man in North London successfully negotiated his way out of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with his girlfriend thanks to the mixed messages it sends about rape and consent.

Jason, 27, reluctantly agreed to see the movie adaptation of E.L. James’s softcore rape fantasy novel when the cinema release date was announced, as it would make his girlfriend happier than him bored and angry. It also served as a two-hour respite from his single friends on Facebook using the day as a storm drain for the crushing loneliness they feel for the other 364 days.

However, the cinema release was surrounded by yet more controversy that revived the debate on how rapey the book is, getting people all tied up in knots who would normally object to that kind of thing. Jason managed to use this to convince his other half that as much as he was looking forward to the film with her, he could not see it because it is glorifying violence against women.

“Aside from seeing women possibly being raped making me uncomfortable, I really didn’t want to watch a film adapted from such a poorly-written book. The problem now is she might pull a similar stunt on me using vegetarianism for Steak and Blowjob Day.”

 

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Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun

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The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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NASA scientists realise they forgot to remove New Horizons’s lens cap before launch

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An artist’s rendering of what a selfie of New Horizons would look like, had someone done their job properly.

The eagerly anticipated flyby of Pluto by New Horizons has been dampened by the revelation that the lens cap was still in place on the spacecraft’s camera at the time of launch.

Scientists involved in the project to visit the dwarf planet for the first time were initially puzzled by the black images that New Horizons was sending back when its camera was activated, as they were pretty sure that despite space being over 99.99999% empty darkness, they would see a few stars here and there.

The project leader explains that it took them a while to work out what really happened. “We initially considered the hypothesis that in the Kuiper Belt there is a previously unknown body so massive it’s gravitationally lensing all starlight away from the region between Neptune and Pluto’s orbits, and then a body so luminous it saturated and blew the camera’s CCD. But then we realised that the guy coming up with all these explanations was responsible for attaching the sensors to the spacecraft so we put two and two together.” The New Horizons team is now placing their hopes on intelligent life existing elsewhere in the Solar System and taking the lens cap off for them.

New Horizons was launched in January 2006, too soon for Pluto’s IAU demotion to dwarf planet to cancel or redirect it towards a celestial body that had the decency to clear the neighbourhood around its orbit.

UK prime minister wants backdoors into Creme Egg recipes or he’ll ban them

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A Creme Egg consists of fondant encrypted in layers of chocolate and coloured foil.

David Cameron is threatening to ban Cadbury’s Creme Eggs unless the UK government gets access to the recipe for its chocolate.

Cameron’s statement comes after Cadbury’s confirmed that it would be changing the recipe for the chocolate used in the shell of Creme Egg, which sparked outrage among the British public who are presumably concerned that they might be trying to sneak some gluten or genetically modified gluten into it.

“The recent departure from the Dairy Milk recipe used in Creme Eggs demonstrated the threat to our enjoyment of Easter or whenever the hell they get sold, and the need for robust powers maintain its creamy goodness.”

Under the proposal, Cadbury’s would be faced with giving up its trade secrets in order to continue doing business in the UK. This would not only set a dangerous precedent that could go as far as the government demanding the formulas for Coca Cola and Pimms, but this violation of secrecy could even be extended to individuals and their right to have their text messages being read without some government employee nosing through them.

If Cadbury’s stick to their guns British consumers may be faced with the prospect of buying inferior Galaxy Caramel eggs this Easter.

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Top 5 sexiest pictures of Muhammad

After Charlie Hebdo’s controversial decision to leak nudes of Muhammad in their magazine, here are some more racy pictures of the prophet that you may have missed.

 

 

 

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Here is Muhammad showing off his package. He must get stopped by airport security often – for having his junk mistaken for a bomb, or simply as an excuse to get their hands all over that sexy body.

 

 

 

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Damn, look at those hazel come-to-bed eyes, and that flawless olive complexion that says “I’m a sexy and from the Middle East”. Our Prophet has never looked so good.

 

 

 

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Or has he? It just goes to show what good it does to stick to Allah’s plan and keep away from drugs. Muhammad is a 100% halal slab of steak.

 

 

 

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Here it is – Muhammad as nude as the day he was born, standing on top of a mountain for all the world to see his beautiful, muscular body. What a majestic motherfucker.

 

 

 

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And finally, leaving nothing to the imagination. Oh yeah, look at that juicy piece of ass, you definitely want a slice of that. Muhammad is hot stuff.

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American Dream reduced to having food on the table every night

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With wage stagnation in the USA, Americans are increasingly grateful that they aren’t going hungry every night.

The American Dream is at an all-time low, a survey carried out by the New York Times has revealed.

Only 5% of people polled would agree with the statement that they have the opportunity to fulfil their highest aspirations in life. In contrast, 40% believe that it’s closer to going to bed with a full belly and not worrying about tomorrow’s meal. With Christmas around the corner, most of the participants felt like they have done pretty well in life if they have roast turkey with all the trimmings waiting for them on the 25th, and that’s not not even considering any presents they might receive.

In addition, 90% of that 40% also considered having a roof over their heads as part of the American Dream, and the treatment like a regular human being that comes with it.

 

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