Millions of American gay couples now scrambling for excuses not to get married

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Following the US Supreme Court ruling to legalise gay marriage, same-sex couples across the country are now having to quickly make up new excuses for why they aren’t going to tie the knot in the near future. Until today, they could easily sidestep the question by shaking an angry fist at their oppressive government. Now that the USA has finally pulled ahead of the likes of China and Turkey in civil rights, American gay men and women will need to be more creative with their excuses, like claiming that deep down they are homophobes who couldn’t bring themselves to accept gay marriage, or that they’re trying to avoid all the mistakes their parents made.

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Vue to label cinemas as quiet zones to stop people from using their phones

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Vue Cinema will be trialling fluorescent “Quiet Zone” labels in cinema screens at Stratford Westfield in an attempt to deter people from using their phones during film screenings.

Mobile phone usage at the cinema continues to be a problem, which which flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that you would not waste an experience you’ve literally paid time and money for by spending it making a phone call. The venue is therefore trying out the signs after seeing their unparalleled success on British rail networks in keeping people from using loud electronic devices, which is all the more unbelievable considering face-to-face conversations between two commuters about whether they prefer a fixed rate or variable mortgage is just fucking irritating.

The manager at Stratford explained the effectiveness of it on the trains. “If you stabbed a guy on a train into London and it was in a Quiet Zone, nobody would give a shit until the victim called 999. Within *seconds* some grumpy middle-aged cunt will see it as their civic duty to firmly remind them to take their call to the next carriage. If the sign can get Londoners to break their stoic indifference towards fellow passengers almost instantly, it should work in the cinema too.”

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Osborne urges ‘stiff upper lip’ in face of spending cuts

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The austerity measures will affect everyone: for example, the Chancellor will be forced to get an even smaller briefcase.

George Osborne called for UK citizens to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of impending cuts to public spending, he announced this morning.

The Chancellor will be delivering the second budget this year in July, which is expected to helpfully fill everyone in on the details omitted in the run-up to the election, such as the £12 billion in cuts that has everyone shitting themselves so hard that their toilets could be mistaken for the Conservative manifesto.  The speech this morning was an attempt to allay some of those fears: “I know that it will be a difficult time for those who rely on disability benefits, the NHS and income support. Some of you may even find yourselves going to bed hungry on some nights. This is why I urge you all: no matter how loud your stomach rumbles, or how loudly your kids cry because they’re spending another night in the park, not to let it get to you. Keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, that’s what makes this country truly great, what being British is truly about.”

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Thousands of immigrants reject being refused entry into UK

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Immigrants coming from outside the European Union are unanimously rejecting refusals to be granted visas to enter the UK, it has been revealed.

Despite promises by personnel at customs checkpoints that any immigrants will not be allowed into the country who do not meet the required criteria, they are finding themselves powerless but to accept waves of people who have travelled from as far as East Africa or Central Asia.

It appears that the immigrants have taken a leaf out of Nigel Farage’s book, who earlier announced that his resignation as leader of UKIP was rejected by its party members, and as such will begrudgingly return for another round of pints and frog impersonations.

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Ed Balls: “I’m voting Lib Dem”

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Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls announced that he will be casting a ballot for the Liberal Democrats on Thursday, it was revealed this morning.

He spoke candidly to a old man while on the campaign trail in Leeds, who jokingly asked Balls who he planned to vote for in the upcoming election. “I was already sold on Labour and Ed Balls seemed like the type I could crack a joke with, so I asked him who he’s voting for. I, uh, didn’t expect such a detailed answer.” Balls then proceeded to explain his choice of the Lib Dems, mentioning his approval of their version of the mansion tax, lifting low-paid earners out of paying income tax and a digital Bill of Rights. He hastily added that his views on the last point were completely unrelated to his gaffe four years ago where he tweeted his own name.

The response came to the surprise of absolutely everyone, as being the right-hand man of the Labour Party he would at least thrown his support behind the Greens. However, some saw it refreshing for a politician to be so self-destructingly honest for once. After the incident, Balls’s aides bundled him into the campaign car and angrily reminded him which party he actually belonged to by pointing to their red ties.

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Man glad he avoided the scam of buildings insurance as he watches his house burn down

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An unnamed man remained secure in his decision to forgo buildings insurance for his house based on the negative expectation value of any policy he might take out, even as he watch it burn to the ground last night. “Myself and my family may be homeless now, but I get comfort from thinking that averaged over millions of parallel universes, I come out further ahead than I would if I bought insurance.”

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Nigel Farage bets he could eat three shredded wheat

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UKIP bossman Nigel Farage has hit out against David Cameron after his shredded wheat analogy to explain that he won’t serve a third term. He said this morning: “A real politician is so busy he needs the energy of at least three shredded wheat to keep him going until lunch.”

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Sex offender’s register could be replaced with white list

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Demon Headmaster lookalike Theresa May has expressed support for replacing the current sex offender’s register with a white list of non-offenders, which would consequently initially exclude everyone ever involved with the BBC.

This comes after ‘Dr. Fox’ Neil Fox (whose doctorate is now presumed to be in gynaecology) was charged with nine counts of sexual assault, officially breaking the Beeb’s monopoly on celebrity paedophiles and sex pests.

According to one of May’s advisors, the sex offenders register is starting to look so bloated that in the near future that it might take less effort to maintain a list of people who haven’t fucked a 14-year-old or a 21-year-old who can lie to the press. “The current register was designed for a traditional British society where sexual misconduct was kept on the down low and as a result only have to deal with the odd few trickling in. It was never supposed to handle the full-blown tsunami of kiddy fiddling on our hands – for the first time ever last week we had to upgrade our servers to store all the new names added in the past year.”

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MPAA to define trilogy as four films

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As a follow-up to the announcement of the fourth installment of the Toy Story film franchise the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has made steps to define the word “trilogy” to mean four in the context of films.

A spokesman for the MPAA said in a press conference this morning: “The great thing about films is that if they’re successful we can pump out two more, cash in and claim that was our intention all along. But if we add a fourth, it becomes a quadrilogy which doesn’t roll off the tongue so nicely, and reminds our audience that maybe we’ve taken the franchise too far. And with the current economic climate as it is, we really don’t want to restrict ourselves to three films per ‘good idea’. Sequels are the only thing keeping this industry afloat apart from the reboot cycle of Batman/Superman films.”

The move is suspected to be in response to the criticism that Toy Story 4’s announcement has generated: many are worried that this means Pixar has finally realised that they can create as many Toy Story films as they want since toys age negligibly compared to humans.

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