Boyfriend uses Fifty Shades of Grey’s rape controversy to get out of seeing it with girlfriend


A man in North London successfully negotiated his way out of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with his girlfriend thanks to the mixed messages it sends about rape and consent.

Jason, 27, reluctantly agreed to see the movie adaptation of E.L. James’s softcore rape fantasy novel when the cinema release date was announced, as it would make his girlfriend happier than him bored and angry. It also served as a two-hour respite from his single friends on Facebook using the day as a storm drain for the crushing loneliness they feel for the other 364 days.

However, the cinema release was surrounded by yet more controversy that revived the debate on how rapey the book is, getting people all tied up in knots who would normally object to that kind of thing. Jason managed to use this to convince his other half that as much as he was looking forward to the film with her, he could not see it because it is glorifying violence against women.

“Aside from seeing women possibly being raped making me uncomfortable, I really didn’t want to watch a film adapted from such a poorly-written book. The problem now is she might pull a similar stunt on me using vegetarianism for Steak and Blowjob Day.”


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Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun


The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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NASA scientists realise they forgot to remove New Horizons’s lens cap before launch


An artist’s rendering of what a selfie of New Horizons would look like, had someone done their job properly.

The eagerly anticipated flyby of Pluto by New Horizons has been dampened by the revelation that the lens cap was still in place on the spacecraft’s camera at the time of launch.

Scientists involved in the project to visit the dwarf planet for the first time were initially puzzled by the black images that New Horizons was sending back when its camera was activated, as they were pretty sure that despite space being over 99.99999% empty darkness, they would see a few stars here and there.

The project leader explains that it took them a while to work out what really happened. “We initially considered the hypothesis that in the Kuiper Belt there is a previously unknown body so massive it’s gravitationally lensing all starlight away from the region between Neptune and Pluto’s orbits, and then a body so luminous it saturated and blew the camera’s CCD. But then we realised that the guy coming up with all these explanations was responsible for attaching the sensors to the spacecraft so we put two and two together.” The New Horizons team is now placing their hopes on intelligent life existing elsewhere in the Solar System and taking the lens cap off for them.

New Horizons was launched in January 2006, too soon for Pluto’s IAU demotion to dwarf planet to cancel or redirect it towards a celestial body that had the decency to clear the neighbourhood around its orbit.

UK prime minister wants backdoors into Creme Egg recipes or he’ll ban them


A Creme Egg consists of fondant encrypted in layers of chocolate and coloured foil.

David Cameron is threatening to ban Cadbury’s Creme Eggs unless the UK government gets access to the recipe for its chocolate.

Cameron’s statement comes after Cadbury’s confirmed that it would be changing the recipe for the chocolate used in the shell of Creme Egg, which sparked outrage among the British public who are presumably concerned that they might be trying to sneak some gluten or genetically modified gluten into it.

“The recent departure from the Dairy Milk recipe used in Creme Eggs demonstrated the threat to our enjoyment of Easter or whenever the hell they get sold, and the need for robust powers maintain its creamy goodness.”

Under the proposal, Cadbury’s would be faced with giving up its trade secrets in order to continue doing business in the UK. This would not only set a dangerous precedent that could go as far as the government demanding the formulas for Coca Cola and Pimms, but this violation of secrecy could even be extended to individuals and their right to have their text messages being read without some government employee nosing through them.

If Cadbury’s stick to their guns British consumers may be faced with the prospect of buying inferior Galaxy Caramel eggs this Easter.

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Top 5 sexiest pictures of Muhammad

After Charlie Hebdo’s controversial decision to leak nudes of Muhammad in their magazine, here are some more racy pictures of the prophet that you may have missed.





Here is Muhammad showing off his package. He must get stopped by airport security often – for having his junk mistaken for a bomb, or simply as an excuse to get their hands all over that sexy body.





Damn, look at those hazel come-to-bed eyes, and that flawless olive complexion that says “I’m a sexy and from the Middle East”. Our Prophet has never looked so good.





Or has he? It just goes to show what good it does to stick to Allah’s plan and keep away from drugs. Muhammad is a 100% halal slab of steak.





Here it is – Muhammad as nude as the day he was born, standing on top of a mountain for all the world to see his beautiful, muscular body. What a majestic motherfucker.





And finally, leaving nothing to the imagination. Oh yeah, look at that juicy piece of ass, you definitely want a slice of that. Muhammad is hot stuff.

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American Dream reduced to having food on the table every night


With wage stagnation in the USA, Americans are increasingly grateful that they aren’t going hungry every night.

The American Dream is at an all-time low, a survey carried out by the New York Times has revealed.

Only 5% of people polled would agree with the statement that they have the opportunity to fulfil their highest aspirations in life. In contrast, 40% believe that it’s closer to going to bed with a full belly and not worrying about tomorrow’s meal. With Christmas around the corner, most of the participants felt like they have done pretty well in life if they have roast turkey with all the trimmings waiting for them on the 25th, and that’s not not even considering any presents they might receive.

In addition, 90% of that 40% also considered having a roof over their heads as part of the American Dream, and the treatment like a regular human being that comes with it.


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People deterred from STEM fields by Matt Taylor’s t-shirt and the pointless debate it’s created


A public poll this morning has shown fewer graduates of science, technology, engineering and medicine (STEM) subjects would consider a career in the field following the debate over Dr. Matt Taylor’s clothing choice for a press conference yesterday.

The scientist was one of the key figures involved in the Rosetta space mission, which landed a probe on a comet for the first time in recorded history (and likely in unrecorded history too). Yesterday in a press conference he wore a t-shirt depicting scantily-clad women firing guns, which stirred controversy on the internet for being sexist and perpetuating misogynistic attitudes in the science industry. These in turn are threatening to put women off from entering the male-dominated field.

A poll of 1500 people consisting of whoever was awake at 10am GMT on a Sunday showed that the number of STEM graduates who’d consider doing a PhD or post doctorate dropped to 45%, compared to 64% before the press conference. Among the reasons cited was the fear of being accused of being a misogynist unless they accepted without any debate the opinions of people who claim to speak on behalf of all the oppressed demographics in the world. Poll participants were particularly put off by the idea that they would be unable to refute an argument based on its merits when it would literally be their fucking job as scientists to do just that, just because it originated from a particular person.

One of the few people who could be arsed to use the box reserved for additional comments added: “I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to suggest that maybe there was an overreaction to a given sexist event and instead of being told why I’m wrong I’ll be told to check my white privilege, tattoo “SHITLORD” on my forehead or something rational and thought-provoking like that”.

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Richard Madeley discovered being behind Twitter trolls

Spring Book Club launch - London

The face that once greeted the unemployed every morning has been discovered to be behind the Twitter accounts calling for the rape of his daughter, following an investigation by the police.

Data from Twitter revealed that 15 of the accounts responsible for sending the inflammatory tweets were all registered within two hours of each other on 15 October, and by the same IP address that can be pinpointed to Hampstead, London, where Madeley lives. However, many of the twitter trolls are believed to legitimate accounts, and are suspected to have simply joined in on action.

Friends close to Madeley shed light on his motivation for the attack, revealing that he was “incredibly annoyed” by his wife’s comments but didn’t have the energy to call her out over it directly. He also had a fair few to drink that night, which brought out the spitefulness in him – “As a father, Richard knew that the worst thing you can do is to threaten someone’s child.” They also claim that Madeley has since learnt his lesson, and in future will use a proxy or TOR to hide his identity on the internet.

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