Monthly Archives: January 2013

Detainees tortured by being forced to use dial-up in Guantanamo Bay

A damning report from one of our undercover reporters has revealed that the United States government has authorised the use of excruciatingly slow download speeds in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.

Prisoners are locked in a comfortable room supplied with snacks, housing a computer (capable of running only Internet Explorer) that connects to the Internet via a 56kbit/s modem from the early 21st century, then left to let their own boredom overcome them as they proceed to check emails and browse social networking sites. In cases where effective, grunts of frustration and slams against the table can be heard within minutes of browsing as the subject resigns him/herself to seeing red crosses all over image-heavy websites. If this method is insufficient then interrogators will make a phone call timed to drop their connection just before finishing downloading a pornographic video, which has already resulted in one inmate hanging himself with a USB cable.

This report comes after discovering that communications hardware manufacturer Linksys received an order of 10,000 dial-up modems from an anonymous Cuban businessman two months ago, intially assumed to be a practical joke akin to a sending 50 pizzas to someone’s house. In an interview, Linksys refused to comment on why they had so much outdated hardware in the first place.

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Scientists develop cloaking device and immediately lose it

Science fiction fans and stalkers alike rejoiced today at the announcement that the group led by Dr. John Pendry has built the world’s first practical invisibility cloak, until it was switched on and lost within seconds.

The device works by guiding electromagnetic waves around any young wizard sitting inside its cavity, rendering him invisible to the naked eye. Complications arose when the research group became a victim of its own success: the device only absorbed 0.01% of the light passing through it rather than the 4% expected in simulations, making this the first time that a scientist wished he wasn’t so good at his job. The unit is also self-powered, leaving Pendry’s team with no other option but to let the device run out of power before they can retrieve it, which could take weeks as the budget permitted the use of Energizer batteries rather than those crappy zinc-oxide ones. In the meantime, a “visibility cloak” is being developed to hunt it down, which may even prove useful in finding dark matter and Pendry’s glasses.

The potential applications for an invisibility cloak are immense: this technology allows the British Armed Forces to finally go ahead with their plans to train ninja infantry, and to provide parents with a more humane way to hide their uglier children from the public.

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Joke criticised for being too inoffensive

Frankie Boyle has stirred yet more controversy after making a joke that he carefully formulated not to offend anyone – because it has been deemed too offensive to the politically incorrect members of his audience. Ofcom received over 100 complaints following Boyle’s return to BBC2’s panel comedy Mock of the Week as a guest panelist, promising him his old position back if he could just stop talking about the ghosts in the Queen’s vagina. Many viewers were angered by the complete absence of mockery of the Scottish or other minorities, as they felt it made light of the fact that they can’t laugh at anything that doesn’t cause distress to other human beings. The comedian has since issued a public apology on Twitter with a comic depicting a disabled child getting raped by a man wearing a Nicolas Cage mask, rendered poorly in the graphics editing software MS Paint.

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Wealthy Nigerian turned down by potential benefactors

The son of a recently deceased Nigerian oil tycoon has expressed his utmost disappointment in the failure of his efforts to share the estimated £165 million left to him in the will of his late oil tycoon father.

Money was also asked to upgrade the antiquated CRT monitors used by Okande's workers.

Money was also asked to upgrade the antiquated CRT monitors used by Okande’s workers.

George Okande, 35, sought the assistance of Western Europeans in gaining access to his new-found wealth, particularly in providing the lump sum requested by his lawyer to process the transaction that he could not afford. What little money Mr. Okande had available was spent employing the homeless in the slums of Lagos to send out the emails, to provide those less fortunate than himself with the chance to work themselves out of poverty. However, in an interview he admitted

that their poor English and computer skills may have contributed to the lacklustre response, which consisted of a handful of application forms filled in with bogus details despite showing an initial willingness to assist Okande.

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Hand cream that makes you “look five years younger” turns toddler into fetus

A mother of two turned up at the A&E department of King George’s Hospital, Essex, on Friday morning with her son after he got hold of her Nivea anti-aging cream, causing him to revert to a “prenatal state”.

Janice Murray, 32, woke up to find her son, Kyle, screaming in a puddle of amniotic fluid and attached to an umbilical cord, lying next to an empty jar of the offending skincare product.

“I was so shocked when I saw him, it was like déjà vu. But it was actually kind of fortunate because I forgot to set my alarm today.” Janice brought her son to their local hospital, where dumbstruck doctors ran some routine tests to see if the condition had any effects apart from luxuriously smooth skin. Kyle was then given a clean bill of health and a strict diet of liquids for the next six months, and sent home with his mother, who turned up to work in the afternoon to claim maternity leave again. Janice is reportedly already receiving emails from Amazon for nappies and deluxe buggies outside her price range.

Readers are urged to use Nivea’s potent product with great caution, which in the past has been responsible for middle-aged women going through the menopause twice.

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