A damning report from one of our undercover reporters has revealed that the United States government has authorised the use of excruciatingly slow download speeds in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.
Prisoners are locked in a comfortable room supplied with snacks, housing a computer (capable of running only Internet Explorer) that connects to the Internet via a 56kbit/s modem from the early 21st century, then left to let their own boredom overcome them as they proceed to check emails and browse social networking sites. In cases where effective, grunts of frustration and slams against the table can be heard within minutes of browsing as the subject resigns him/herself to seeing red crosses all over image-heavy websites. If this method is insufficient then interrogators will make a phone call timed to drop their connection just before finishing downloading a pornographic video, which has already resulted in one inmate hanging himself with a USB cable.
This report comes after discovering that communications hardware manufacturer Linksys received an order of 10,000 dial-up modems from an anonymous Cuban businessman two months ago, intially assumed to be a practical joke akin to a sending 50 pizzas to someone’s house. In an interview, Linksys refused to comment on why they had so much outdated hardware in the first place.