The theory that an asteroid impact drove the dinosaurs to extinction is being challenged by the discovery of artefacts next to fossils that weren’t put there by some scheming creationist, which suggest that dinosaurs developed a society and culture of hedonism in the run-up to their demise.
Cone-shaped devices found embedded in the pelvic region of a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton has led palaeontologists to believe that they had invented a rudimentary form of contraception – likely borne out of the necessity of sexual pleasure without the hassle of eggs that was previously impossible for an animal with such short arms. This, combined with the lack of smaller skeletons in the fossil record afterwards, points towards the conclusion that they simply died out once they discovered the secret to consequence-free orgies. Any eggs that were laid due to condom failure were quickly devoured by mammals while the mother was too busy having sex, sealing the fate of Earth’s largest fauna.
The Catholic Church has given the research a warm reception, making the following statement: “We knew the dangers of contraception all along, I wish people would listen to us sometimes. Next they’re going to tell us they discovered that the Neanderthals were wiped out by gay marriage.”
Nintendo is currently in court against Nature over its Pokémon franchise for unlicensed use of her various extant plant, animal and fungus designs for the past 18 years; legal action had been delayed until now on account of the plaintiff’s lawyers being a bunch of hippie stoners.
If Nature wins the case, Nintendo will have to shelve about half of the 649 Pokémon, an outcome welcomed by everyone who has spent time trying to live up to the franchise’s catchphrase. Most of the contested designs are Grass-, Bug- and Water-type, with the notable exception of Psyduck which Nintendo has pointed out is based on the platypus, a design that Nature hadn’t copyrighted due to the sheer embarrassment of creating such a stupid-looking creature. In addition, claims over Omanyte and Omastar were thrown out early on as the copyrights on them had expired 50 million years ago. At present, her lawyers have issued an expedition into the Amazon rainforest in the hopes of finding things that look like Pokémon that could help in court, prompting Nintendo to fuel demand for grazing land by offering free cheeseburgers with every game cartridge sale.
Nature is also claiming royalties for use of the evolution process, which was patented 3.7 billion years ago. In response Nintendo has asserted that their process sufficiently differs in that it’s a discrete jump to improve upon the previous iteration as opposed to a series of small changes that don’t necessarily improve the design in the long term, citing the human appendix and fainting goats as examples.
A 15-year-old boy murdered by a gang of bullies in Ilford, Essex, has gone completely unnoticed outside the immediate community as major news outlets failed to report it at all, since the child wasn’t liked much by his peers or particularly bright.
Bringing the story to press was initially made difficult by the failure of his parents in producing a photo of the boy where he is smiling, who has been described as “heinously un-photogenic” by his English teacher. But when the victim’s poor academic credentials and perception as a bit of a loner came to light the story was deemed entirely unworthy of the news. In an interview the Daily Telegraph remarked that it was “a shame he was the victim – he would’ve made a great murderer.”
The government of Saudi Arabia has offered Ahmad Mahmoud Abdullah political asylum after his home country’s government issued an arrest warrant for advice he gave on how to handle female protesters – a significant problem in countries that frequently oppress their women, but do a poor enough job of it that they can complain about it.
Abdullah, also known as Abu Islam, claimed on his private television channel that rape of female protesters was ‘halal’, though off camera he clarified this statement by asserting “not if the women look like pigs”. This statement was considered too extreme even for Egypt’s incumbent Muslim Brotherhood, leading to the warrant which has prompted the Saudi government to take action what it sees as an “unjust punishment to a reasonable viewpoint”. In fact, officials have gone as far as to recommend Abdullah for a position that’s opened up in one of the their think tanks, as well as offering media censorship to quell any accusations that his recent tirade against Valentine’s Day was the result of being resentful about not getting laid.
Saudi Arabia, a world leader in men’s rights (behind only trailblazers Yemen and Pakistan), has considerable gender inequality matched only by the lopsidedness of their exports, which include oil and the occasional dried fruit.