The two innermost planets of the Solar System have broken their 4.6-billion-year silence by expressing discontent at their lack of moons, a situation that is not likely to change in the distant future. Venus and Mercury, already dealing with size issues, are now being shunned from get-togethers and dinner parties where the rest of the planets discuss their plans for when the Sun goes red giant. Jupiter did use to send the odd asteroid their way every few million years but this stopped after complaints from Earth that it was wreaking havoc on its biology experiments.
The rift began shortly after the formation of the Solar System as outer giants Jupiter and Saturn quickly acquired several dozens of satellites a piece in a cosmic game of one-upmanship. Whatever was left was quickly snapped up by Neptune, Uranus and Mars, leaving the present-day market a very dire one to get onto the satellite ladder. It wasn’t always like this, though – Venus reminisces of the time when she and Earth were in the same boat, both decent-sized rocky planets with a carbon dioxide atmosphere and no moon to their names, until a rogue planet slammed into Earth to form the Moon. Since then relations have been strained, Earth not wanting to associate with the likes of Venus any more.
“In this era any self-respecting planet has at least one natural satellite, even if you stole them from the Kuiper Belt like Neptune did. “