An Enzyme special report: pub drinks contaminated with mysterious substance

Some 90% of all the beverages consumed in bars and public houses have been found to contain various quantities of a chemical strictly controlled by the Government and outright illegal in certain premises and communities. The chemical, a by-product of the metabolism of microbes spoiling liquids with a high sugar content, is a highly flammable liquid used by Nazis to fuel V2 rockets in WWII. It is also a precursor to acetic acid, which in its concentrated form is corrosive and has a foul odour. When consumed, symptoms of mild poisoning include impairment of judgement and inhibitions (including a tendency to get naked), increased reaction time and decreased general motor functions. At higher doses, slurred speech, blurred vision, short-term memory loss and vomiting may result, often culminating in a total loss of consciousness, virginity and/or dignity.

The anti-inhibitory effect serves to facilitate the further consumption of this dangerous chemical, as the victims tend to drink whatever is immediately in front of them with disregard to the distinctive taste, which would otherwise alert one to the drink’s contents. As a diuretic, it not only acts to dehydrate but it also causes annoyance to those nearby due to the necessity of regular toilet breaks. Often when the victim is away their drink is either spiked or topped up, followed by various jibes to encourage finishing it, worsening their situation. The extent of this practice is severe: a survey concluded that some three-quarters of all Brits have reported to have had some or all of the symptoms mentioned above, rising to almost 100% amongst students and dropping to about 20% for those of the Islamic faith.

Readers are advised to be vigilant against this insidious threat by making sure of the contents of their drink before consumption, because it is reported that staff at these establishments have been willingly poisoning their customers, and preventing them from leaving the premises with their drink in a possible attempt to avoid arousing the suspicion of the law.

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