Monthly Archives: March 2013

USA declares war on entropy

The world’s most powerful country has declared war on entropy this morning, stating that “not even the second law [of thermodynamics] will save it now”.

American scientists were reported to have had a good laugh after the watching the press conference, before the realisation sunk in that their country had genuinely extended their running streak of declaring war on abstract concepts. Many of those working closely with the military took time out from working on the “atom bomb of the 21st century” to advise the Department of Defense on their plan of attack. They have so far recommended treating entropy like an internet troll: responding (with weapons) will only serve to strengthen the enemy.

In his statement, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, told citizens that “everyone is in this war”, and that even regular folk can contribute to the fight. The Department of Defense has also issued a list of ways that civilians can fight entropy, available on its website. The tips include cutting down on physical activity, and reducing fuel and food consumption – putting America’s citizens in the dilemma of whether going to war is more American than guzzling petrol and donuts.

Tagged , , , , , ,

New foot-in-mouth vaccine offers hope for developed world

Image

British scientists have developed a new vaccine against foot-in-mouth disease, which could help millions of people in the developed world whose biggest problem is knowing when to keep their mouths shut.

Tagged , , , , ,

Ofsted inspectors going undercover dressed as children

In an attempt to combat teachers putting on a show of actually teaching their students during inspections, Ofsted has begun sending its inspectors disguised as schoolchildren to avoid detection.

The move comes after the head of the watchdog -famous for striking fear into every lazy teacher’s heart – warned schools not to put on fake shows for them, adding: “I get enough of that from my wife in bed”. Inspectors will be indistinguishable from actual students: dressed in full uniform, they will be carrying lunchboxes with outdated celebrities and pop figures on them, have perfect knowledge of their times tables and write with their non-dominant hand to purposely ruin their handwriting. Critics have suggested that their increased stature, deep voice and thinning hair may be a giveaway but these will be explained away by simply stating that they had to resit year seven.

In the past, Ofsted has tried various other methods to surprise schools, including just sending inspectors uninvited, but schools did not take kindly to having strange old men closely eyeing children and taking notes and photographs. Even getting a CRB check triggered the nationwide early warning system to alert schools to any potential inspectors on their way.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Young adults sick of being reminded that they’ll never afford a house

“We get it, we’re going to be a landlord’s bitch until we die, or our parents do”

es

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Breakthrough research dismissed due to typographical errors

A paper published by Imperial College scientists announcing a revolutionary breakthrough in nuclear fusion energy has been panned by the scientific community because evidently disregarding of green and red squiggly lines.

Research into nuclear fusion has been ongoing for the past 60 or so years, in the hopes of providing so much clean and cheap energy that people can leave their lights on free of guilt. The research carried out by Imperial’s plasma physics group describes a practical method of achieving the holy grail in the field – getting more energy in than you put in – potentially ending the fifty-year-old claim that a functional reactor is only fifty years away. However, it soon became clear that the author didn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, spelled “nuclear” as “nucular”, along with a host of other errors that ensured the paper didn’t get past peer review on the basis that the writer “is obviously an idiot”.

The paper even sets out detailed instructions on how to build a fully functional miniature scale reactor as an undeniable proof of concept, and the location of the one they built earlier for all to see if they don’t believe them. One fellow physicist from Durham responded by saying: “Tell me, how do you expect someone to build a working tokamak if they can’t even spell it?”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

2013 is worst year on record for climate science

The freak wintery weather hitting the UK and parts of North America this week and back in January has prompted the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) to declare 2013 the worst year for climatology since it became a legitimate discipline, even though it’s only March.

Global warming critics, fossil fuel addicts and polar bear haters alike have desperately clung onto the short-term localised drop in temperatures to legitimise sticking their fingers in their ears and burning jerry cans of petrol whenever the topic of rising global temperatures is brought up. Making matters worse is the weather coinciding with the vernal equinox, taken by many to be the deadline for the transition into spring. The Met office has advised the public that 21st March is merely a recommended guideline for the the end of winter, and that in the meantime people should to pretend that it’s still Christmas but with Jesus dying instead.

God expressed his bewilderment at everyone’s reaction through Morse-coded lightning strikes: “You’re kidding me, right? I saw all those lunatics holding scientists back from their jobs of stopping global warming, so I bought them time by lowering temperatures a little bit and increasing the Earth’s albedo with all that snow. And what are they doing? They’re laying down salt to melt it before it even settles. Teaches you to think twice before creating sentient beings.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Buy Chicken with a Conscience

SPONSORED

6a00d8341bf67c53ef014e604e73d4970c-800wi[1]

You told us you were concerned about animal welfare, and we listened – we eliminated battery-farmed eggs and stocked more free-range chicken. You told us some more because apparently that wasn’t enough, so now ASDA is proud to introduce its latest addition to the poultry section – Chicken with a Conscience. We have stepped ahead of Tesco our competitors to eliminate the number one source of suffering in chickens – yes, one might say they’re also Chickens with a Consciousness because we have done away with the slaughtering process entirely. Our customers can buy safe in the knowledge that the chickens raised at our farms will enjoy the rest of their unnatural lives. Sound too good to be true? Hear the reviews we’ve had already from Barkingside store customers where we piloted the product:

“Now the only thing on my mind is how I’m supposed to get the feathers off.”
– Mark Wilkes, Essex

“This is awesome – a meal and an alarm clock in one! The snooze button only works once, though.”
John Smith, Essex

“Finally, something from the poultry isle I can buy.”
– A Vegetarian

Tagged , , , , , , ,