Monthly Archives: April 2013

Pimlico explosion caused by “suicidal electrons”

Fireball explodes from pavement in Pimlico

The pavement explosion in Pimlico, London on Thursday that narrowly missed a passer-by was believed to be caused by faulty power cables, though this merely explains how it was initiated and not where the energy came from to create a mini mushroom cloud that popped out of the pavement like an actual fucking mushroom.

The source of the explosion was an injection of electrons in an excited state, which then decayed at the opportune moment to dump all of their energy into the power cable, which was unable to handle the surge in current at its weak point. These excited electrons are very similar to radioactive isotopes (like uranium) that decay to release large amounts of energy. Normally, electrons are quite stable – the industrialised world wouldn’t function otherwise – but they can be coaxed into this excited and “suicidal” state by increasing their voltage to several million. The local power grid is then hacked into and the electrons uploaded to it, which travel down wires until they eventually decay and explode.

With the right know-how, anyone with a pack of AA batteries, an internet connection and an uplink to the National Grid could potentially set off one of these explosions anywhere connected to the mains power supply, though the random nature of the decays means it’s difficult for terrorists or loner computer nerds to target specific areas, as it is for any regular people who might want to cause mayhem.

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Mars sending probe to shave Earth’s eyebrows

Mars: “That rainforest of yours is fucking getting it.”

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North Korea reports complete destruction of South Korea, Japan and USA

Media outlets in Pyongyang are reporting the “complete and utter destruction” of South Korea, Japan and parts of the USA after they refused to heed their threats that any interference with their missile tests, or any military action at all, would be met with a swift response from the fist of mighty Kim Il-Sung.

The country’s populace are preparing to celebrate their victory over their foes, anticipating a nationwide feast now there are no enemies to ruin their harvests. North Korea’s UN ambassador made his country’s message clear: “We could not tolerate the aggression of the USA and its allies any longer, nor claims by its media that our threats were empty. Now the only things that are empty are the streets of Seoul and Tokyo. Let this be a warning to anyone who dares to underestimate North Korea, henceforth known as just Korea.”

The deployment of nuclear missiles is the culmination of months of mounting tensions and escalating threats from both sides, apart from Japan which was too busy trying to deal with China to worry about North Korea. A spokesperson for Japan described the blasé attitude of his country in the face of annihilation:  “A couple nukes aren’t enough to scare us any more – the surprise factor kind of wears off after the second time. And we’re practically immune to fallout now.”

 

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Cannabis use gateway to Krispy Kreme addiction

Regular cannabis users are twice as likely to move on to Krispy Kreme donuts, craving the high sugar content to restore blood glucose levels after a heavy session of lighting up.

Calls to legalise cannabis in the UK have been resisted in the past by claims of its status as a “gateway drug” – the tendency of users to move on to harder and more dangerous drugs that have basically nothing in common with cannabis. However, a direct causal link has been established between its use and development of an addiction to Krispy Kreme donuts, which are highly addictive (downplayed as “moreish” by addicts) to even sober individuals. In fact, it’s so addictive that it is often compared to crack or heroin, two very dangerous drugs that nobody really questions the illegality of.

Krispy Kreme, referred to on the street as “Double K” and “Dave Chapelle”, provides a sense of euphoria and short-term energy boost when consumed, which is followed by a crash that forces users to eat more. Its long-term effects include obesity, cardiovascular diseases and diabetes, along with an inability to shut up about eating Krispy Kreme. The donuts, initially manufactured in the USA, are legal and freely available in the UK for less than £2 per unit, though it is not uncommon for addicts to get through an entire pancreas-dissolving dozen-pack of them in one go.

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Supermarkets selling ribbons to raise awareness

Tesco, Sainsburys and Morrisons have begun selling red ribbons in order to raise awareness, as well as to raise money for charity without having to sacrifice any of their profits.

The campaign is partly in response to criticism from the public that major corporations aren’t doing enough to raise awareness that doesn’t involve changing their Facebook profile picture, which the public already has that area covered.  So far, it seems that the masses have lauded their efforts – with over 150,000 sold last week. A customer loitering in the frozen food section had nothing but great things to say: “I think it’s really important to raise awareness. I mean, you can’t expect someone to do anything about something if they don’t know what it is. I’m glad I could do my bit by pinning this ribbon to my chest to spread the word.”

However, others are skeptical of the campaign, considering it a cynical attempt at cashing in on a noble cause. One shopper expressed his bewilderment of it all: “This is stupid – I don’t need a fucking ribbon to show that I care. As for the money, nothing stops me from donating to charity anyway – just as long as I get a receipt to prove that I did.”

Anyone who would like to help raise awareness can buy one of the ribbons for £1.99, which also come in blue.

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Market rout sees US Dollar drop to record low against the bitcoin

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The US Dollar can’t be backed up and is susceptible to fire attacks and counterfeiting, making it a risky choice for investment.

Last Thursday saw the USD lead on losses all across the currency market, dropping to as low as 0.003BTC before recovering to about 0.006BTC in the afternoon.

The greenback has been struggling over the past year, touching lows of 0.03BTC before trading again at roughly parity with the bitcoin for the rest of 2012. However, 2013 has seen it steadily drop in value before being seemingly abandoned altogether as investors flocked back to the bitcoin, whose immunity from government intervention has proven seductive, even in light of the cryptocurrency being susceptible to hackers and technological illiteracy.

Analysts have blamed the plunge on a multitude of factors including the Fed’s decision to keep printing money to provide enough toilet paper to wipe the massive skid mark bankers left on the economy in 2008.

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