Monthly Archives: May 2013

Molecules caught in the act of having sex for the first time


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Stone axe from Iron Age dig conclusive evidence of world’s first hipsters


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Entire world to be classified as Europe by 2084

Every single country in the world will be granted status as a European country by 2084, when it is expected that Botswana, the most un-European country, finally enters the Eurovision Song Contest.

The Eurovision Song Contest was started in the 1950’s by Switzerland as a way to start fights with western Europe without having to declare war, something it historically hasn’t been very good at. From the initial inclusion of obvious choices like Germany and France, the ESC began allowing the rest of Europe to take part. 1973 saw the first suspect entrant in Israel, conceivably because they blackmailed Germany into letting them in. Since then the slippery slope steepened with Turkey (only technically classified as Europe), Tunisia, Morocco and recently Azerbaijan qualifying to enter.

With Qatar and Kazakhstan applying for eligibility and the European Broadcasting Union’s history of letting in pretty much anyone, the first South American country is expected to enter by the 2030’s, followed by China leading East Asia in 2055. The EBU will be more than willing, as these regions lack the balkanisation that has made the contest a humiliating karmic justice for imperialism for the countries that bankroll the EBU. In the 2060’s the first sub-Saharan country will enter, an tired of being the last to pick up every global trend ever, and by the time Botswana enters the ESC for the first time, the contest will consist of five qualification stages, have 50 nations reaching the final everyone will be forced to learn English in order to understand their home country’s song. And Turkey will be throwing its hands up in the air asking why it’s still not in the European Union.

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Brazzers lesbian queen film already in production

Lord Tebbit was too busy masturbating to deny that he was more turned on than worried about the prospect of a lesbian queen.

Lord Tebbit was too busy masturbating to deny that he was more turned on than concerned by the prospect of a lesbian queen.

Major smut dispensary Brazzers has revealed that their¬† upcoming DVD titled “Big Wet Butts 6” will include a scene where the queen of an unidentified European country gets freaky with a member of the same sex.

Johnny Matthews, the director/writer/producer of “For Queen and Cuntry”, wrote the scene after being inspired by Lord Tebbit’s concerns that the recently passed Gay Marriage Bill paves the way for a lesbian queen with an artificially inseminated heir.

“I picked up a newspaper the other day and saw that this old man was “worried” by a scenario so ridiculous that it was probably inspired by one of those contrived storylines you see in porn in the first place.”

The script, which is light on pages but heavy on vowels, outlines the plot which starts with Queen Liz III scared that the succession will die with her unless she has a child. Cue her attractive bi-curious eastern European doctor who suggests artificial insemination using a turkey baster and her boyfriend’s semen. However, Matthews stressed that it wasn’t just about the porn.

“There’s also the sub-text of eastern European immigrants fucking over our country for viewers to wrap their heads round once they’ve orgasmed.”

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Fred Hoyle’s ghost rejects The Big Bang Theory

¬†“I refuse to believe that humour can just come out of nowhere. Comedy implies the existence of jokes.”

Sire Fred Hoyle. Taken 3.12.1975

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Angelina Jolie’s breasts “doing well” after amputation of Angelina Jolie

The two C-cup breasts are on their way to a full recovery after undergoing a series of procedures to remove Angelina Jolie in late April.

The breasts had the Hollywood star pre-emptively amputated in order to minimise the chances of becoming attached to a washed-up celebrity, which her publicist and doctors said there was an 87.5% chance of occurring. The condition is hereditary: Jon Voight, her father, was nominated for a Razzie in 2007 and has been reduced to playing cameo roles in comedies like Tropic Thunder, and is generally a nobody nowadays. Faced with the overwhelming odds, the breasts opted to have the extensive procedures in an undisclosed hospital, where some 50kg of excess flesh was removed. Surgeons agree that it’s a type of ectomy but can’t reach a consensus on which type.

“It wasn’t an easy choice. We knew that in the short term she’s getting more than her fair share of press coverage but in the long run people will stop giving a shit about her once she gets reconstructive surgery to look like nothing ever happened. Besides, as soon as she starts to lose her looks that’ll be it. We made the right decision.”

There are already rumours that the pair have signed a two-year contract with CBS to host their own talk show where one breast berates the guest while the other consoles him/her, acting as a pillow when necessary.

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