Angelina Jolie’s breasts “doing well” after amputation of Angelina Jolie

The two C-cup breasts are on their way to a full recovery after undergoing a series of procedures to remove Angelina Jolie in late April.

The breasts had the Hollywood star pre-emptively amputated in order to minimise the chances of becoming attached to a washed-up celebrity, which her publicist and doctors said there was an 87.5% chance of occurring. The condition is hereditary: Jon Voight, her father, was nominated for a Razzie in 2007 and has been reduced to playing cameo roles in comedies like Tropic Thunder, and is generally a nobody nowadays. Faced with the overwhelming odds, the breasts opted to have the extensive procedures in an undisclosed hospital, where some 50kg of excess flesh was removed. Surgeons agree that it’s a type of ectomy but can’t reach a consensus on which type.

“It wasn’t an easy choice. We knew that in the short term she’s getting more than her fair share of press coverage but in the long run people will stop giving a shit about her once she gets reconstructive surgery to look like nothing ever happened. Besides, as soon as she starts to lose her looks that’ll be it. We made the right decision.”

There are already rumours that the pair have signed a two-year contract with CBS to host their own talk show where one breast berates the guest while the other consoles him/her, acting as a pillow when necessary.

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