Monthly Archives: June 2013

Earth receives fruit basket from Gliese 667C to congratulate first moon landing


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What if The Purge were real?

United Kingdom

Unrestricted by law, revellers party on with their music up after 11pm.

19:00 An unusual number of parties being held tonight, to take advantage of lack of public nuisance laws. Hosts currently stuck with entertaining the socially inept who took the start time literally.

21:00 The cool people start arriving to parties, bringing “sick tunes” with them on their MP3 players to play into the night. Arguments start over whether to play Nicki Minaj or Slayer.

22:59 Neighbours not out partying brace themselves for a sleepless night, and being tired for work. A lucky minority will sleep well, having stocked up on ear plugs the day before.

23:01 The niggling sense of unease begins. Non-partying citizens begin their futile attempt at falling asleep.

00:00 An hour passes, with the wakeful envying the sleeping. Many will put on the kettle since they’re up anyway.

01:00 By now annoyance would have built up to point that it overcomes the innate British stoic nature, reasoning that “they’re starting to take the piss now”.

01:46 With nobody obligated to read their letters to the council or listen to complaints over the phone, frustration and sleep deprivation push a man in Slough to slay everyone next door with a Stanley knife.

02:00 The violence spreads, now that the taboo on mass murder has been broken. The drunk and partied-out revellers are no match for sleepless zombies fuelled by anger and injustice.

03:00 The UK is on fire. Think 28 Days Later but replace Brian Eno with dubstep. Even after every party has been killed, the tormented screams and car alarms keep the living from sleeping, and they turn on each other. This is something even a cuppa can’t sort out.

05:00 Exhaustion sets in on the remaining sleepless, just as the sun is rising over the bloodied streets. Those with ear plugs are still fast asleep, and will ask themselves how on Earth they slept through all that.


Uses its technological base and experience with radiation to develop a stockpile of nuclear weapons.

20:00 Uranium purchased at a wholesale discount from Chinese dealers. Labelled 90% enriched.

22:00 Assay reveals Chinese uranium is only 50% enriched, bulked out with bullshit elements like bismuth and americium. Hasty construction of centrifuges commences, comprising Godzilla swinging a giant bucket on a string at high speed.

00:30 Godzilla’s arms get tired, but not before producing 1000kg of weapons-grade uranium. 100 warheads are produced.

02:00 First nuclear test. Tsutomu Yamaguchi comes back from the dead for just long enough to make it a hat trick of nuclear explosions survived on Japanese soil.

05:00 Nationwide outrage over nuclear test, disarmament begins.

06:00 Disarmament complete, Japan is declared the second slightly racist nation to do so, after South Africa. Japan demands Ryukyu islands back from China as refund for dodgy uranium.

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Florist insists her trip to Amsterdam is purely for business purposes

“That weed I bought? It’s going into an arrangement for a Rastafarian wedding.”

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Obama-Putin summit: overview


They also both agreed to a 100% increase in dietary fibre

A summary of the key points of the meeting:

  • They both agreed to up the stakes on their bet on who will emerge victorious in Syria, just to keep things interesting. Obama promised to give Alaska back if Putin wins, while Putin offered his timeshare in the Arctic Circle if Assad pulls it off.
  • Negotiations turned frosty after their discord over whose flag has more red, white and blue until they were both reminded that they have the biggest nuclear-penises in the world, followed by a smug nod of acknowledgement and high-fives.
  • An announcement of the plan to set up a direct hotline between the Whitehouse and the Kremlin, part of Obama’s assurance that Putin can get in touch with him whenever he has panic attacks over his recent divorce.
  • Putin also took the chance to congratulate Obama on the NSA, stating that “at least someone is still spying on America, even if it’s America itself.”
  • There were some disagreements: particularly over the legitimacy of photos where Putin is wrestling a bear that are circulating on the internet. Obama also accused him of being a “lightweight”, which Putin responded to by revealing that the large glass of water he’d been sipping at was in fact vodka.
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Quality of prison food “forcing pregnant inmates to gnaw cell bars for iron”

The declining quality of meals in prison is driving those who are eating for two to drastic measures to acquire the necessary nutrients to carry a baby to full term, a report has shown.

Wardens have reported bite marks on the bars, previously thought to be escape attempts until an inmate was seen to abandon a bar that she had almost completely gnawed through. Joanna Smith, on morning duty at Wandsworth Prison, London, spoke of the situation there: “Budget cuts meant we’ve had to take red meat off the menu, and the mothers won’t believe me when I tell them that leafy greens contain just as much iron. You know the worst thing of all? While they’re getting iron they’re also wearing their teeth down and losing calcium.” The struggle to get essential vitamins and minerals often turns violent: last week Joanna had to break up a fight over a pile of dirt in the corner that began after it was rumoured to be high in vitamin A.

In addition, a black market has sprung up homebrew folic acid, cooked up using prison supplies. Unfortunately, the toilet-bowl synthesis used leaves several impurities in the finished product, which often means that expectant mothers taking the supplement are merely trading spina bifida for some other congenital defect. One inmate described how she is left with no other choice. “I think people underestimate maternal instinct. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure my unborn baby grows up to be a strong and healthy deadbeat with no future, even if it means taking supplements tainted with naphthalene.”

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Tommy Robinson: “We’re sick of being on the defensive”

English Defence League superhero Tommy Robinson made a press statement this afternoon calling for change in the organisation’s philosophy.

“When do you ever hear the EDL in the news? It’s always in response to something Muslims have done. This means we’re fighting on their terms, dodging their punches. I’m sick of this defensive phisolophy [sic], when’s the last time one of our lads took the initiative to go out there and decapitate someone, unprovoked? The EDL was founded to stop the spread of Islamimism [sic], but we can only do that if go on the offensive, before they get to our working class families, churches and schools. You know, it scares me that we have to wait for our friends and family to get butchered before we go and burn a mosque or force-feed bacon vodka to an imam. We should be doing these things to protect this country, not as a responsive measure. There is one problem, though, we can’t rename ourselves the EAL because that also means English as an Additional Language. We don’t want to attract people who can’t even speak this country’s language properly.”

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3rd grader’s proof of P vs NP completely illegible

A bright maths student in year 3 claims to have proven that P= NP, but remains a mystery as the child has really awful handwriting.

Michael, 7, scribbled down the proof after completing the extension work set for him when he completed his twelve times tables ahead of everyone else. However, years of pointlessly learning cursive has left his handwriting in such an awful state that his parents have already begun planning for his career as a GP. However, the teacher was less than impressed despite the significance of the proof. “We know he’s proven it because the little shit edited his class’s timetable to replace all history lessons with extra lunchtimes when he broke into the school’s database, which uses 128-bit encryption. What’s the school doing with 128-bit encryption, anyway? It can’t even stop schoolchildren.”

Among the implications for cryptography and computer science in general, the proof paves the way for an algorithm to find the matching pair to socks in polynomial time, which Michael was excited about because he refuses to wear odd pairs.

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Turkey gives up pretending it can be in Europe

"We can stop with all the pretense and come to terms with who we are: too Muslim for Europe, too oil-poor for the Middle East.

“We can stop with all the pretense and come to terms with who we really are: Azerbaijan’s daddy after that one-night stand with Russia.”

The Turkish government has finally accepted its fate as the neighbour who never gets invited to the cool parties next door, and has begun reversing all the policies implemented to get it into the European Union.

The nation has already begun breaking the shackles of its secular past with the construction of new mosques all across the country to worship the world’s second-favourite religion; and the president’s advocacy of ayran, a salty yoghurt drink, over alcohol is the first step in banning the intoxicating substance to get closer to being a good old-fashioned Middle Eastern country.

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, incumbent bossman of Turkey, expressed his satisfaction with the de-Europeanisation of Turkey. “It’s coming together rather nicely. It may be two years late but the recent riots cement our status as bonafide Middle Eastern nation, though it’s a shame that the protesters can actually vote. Next on the agenda is turning my wife into a fashion icon and popularising the headscarf.”

He went on to describe his conflicting views on the nationwide worship of Atatürk, where he said that he’s definitely a fan of the cult of personality, but not of someone who introduced women’s suffrage and banned the fez. Now that Turkey is out of the running, he wished Bosnia & Herzegovina the best of luck in becoming the first Muslim EU member.

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