Turkey gives up pretending it can be in Europe

"We can stop with all the pretense and come to terms with who we are: too Muslim for Europe, too oil-poor for the Middle East.

“We can stop with all the pretense and come to terms with who we really are: Azerbaijan’s daddy after that one-night stand with Russia.”

The Turkish government has finally accepted its fate as the neighbour who never gets invited to the cool parties next door, and has begun reversing all the policies implemented to get it into the European Union.

The nation has already begun breaking the shackles of its secular past with the construction of new mosques all across the country to worship the world’s second-favourite religion; and the president’s advocacy of ayran, a salty yoghurt drink, over alcohol is the first step in banning the intoxicating substance to get closer to being a good old-fashioned Middle Eastern country.

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, incumbent bossman of Turkey, expressed his satisfaction with the de-Europeanisation of Turkey. “It’s coming together rather nicely. It may be two years late but the recent riots cement our status as bonafide Middle Eastern nation, though it’s a shame that the protesters can actually vote. Next on the agenda is turning my wife into a fashion icon and popularising the headscarf.”

He went on to describe his conflicting views on the nationwide worship of Atatürk, where he said that he’s definitely a fan of the cult of personality, but not of someone who introduced women’s suffrage and banned the fez. Now that Turkey is out of the running, he wished Bosnia & Herzegovina the best of luck in becoming the first Muslim EU member.

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