A summary of the key points of the meeting:
- They both agreed to up the stakes on their bet on who will emerge victorious in Syria, just to keep things interesting. Obama promised to give Alaska back if Putin wins, while Putin offered his timeshare in the Arctic Circle if Assad pulls it off.
- Negotiations turned frosty after their discord over whose flag has more red, white and blue until they were both reminded that they have the biggest nuclear-penises in the world, followed by a smug nod of acknowledgement and high-fives.
- An announcement of the plan to set up a direct hotline between the Whitehouse and the Kremlin, part of Obama’s assurance that Putin can get in touch with him whenever he has panic attacks over his recent divorce.
- Putin also took the chance to congratulate Obama on the NSA, stating that “at least someone is still spying on America, even if it’s America itself.”
- There were some disagreements: particularly over the legitimacy of photos where Putin is wrestling a bear that are circulating on the internet. Obama also accused him of being a “lightweight”, which Putin responded to by revealing that the large glass of water he’d been sipping at was in fact vodka.