What if The Purge were real?

United Kingdom

Unrestricted by law, revellers party on with their music up after 11pm.

19:00 An unusual number of parties being held tonight, to take advantage of lack of public nuisance laws. Hosts currently stuck with entertaining the socially inept who took the start time literally.

21:00 The cool people start arriving to parties, bringing “sick tunes” with them on their MP3 players to play into the night. Arguments start over whether to play Nicki Minaj or Slayer.

22:59 Neighbours not out partying brace themselves for a sleepless night, and being tired for work. A lucky minority will sleep well, having stocked up on ear plugs the day before.

23:01 The niggling sense of unease begins. Non-partying citizens begin their futile attempt at falling asleep.

00:00 An hour passes, with the wakeful envying the sleeping. Many will put on the kettle since they’re up anyway.

01:00 By now annoyance would have built up to point that it overcomes the innate British stoic nature, reasoning that “they’re starting to take the piss now”.

01:46 With nobody obligated to read their letters to the council or listen to complaints over the phone, frustration and sleep deprivation push a man in Slough to slay everyone next door with a Stanley knife.

02:00 The violence spreads, now that the taboo on mass murder has been broken. The drunk and partied-out revellers are no match for sleepless zombies fuelled by anger and injustice.

03:00 The UK is on fire. Think 28 Days Later but replace Brian Eno with dubstep. Even after every party has been killed, the tormented screams and car alarms keep the living from sleeping, and they turn on each other. This is something even a cuppa can’t sort out.

05:00 Exhaustion sets in on the remaining sleepless, just as the sun is rising over the bloodied streets. Those with ear plugs are still fast asleep, and will ask themselves how on Earth they slept through all that.


Uses its technological base and experience with radiation to develop a stockpile of nuclear weapons.

20:00 Uranium purchased at a wholesale discount from Chinese dealers. Labelled 90% enriched.

22:00 Assay reveals Chinese uranium is only 50% enriched, bulked out with bullshit elements like bismuth and americium. Hasty construction of centrifuges commences, comprising Godzilla swinging a giant bucket on a string at high speed.

00:30 Godzilla’s arms get tired, but not before producing 1000kg of weapons-grade uranium. 100 warheads are produced.

02:00 First nuclear test. Tsutomu Yamaguchi comes back from the dead for just long enough to make it a hat trick of nuclear explosions survived on Japanese soil.

05:00 Nationwide outrage over nuclear test, disarmament begins.

06:00 Disarmament complete, Japan is declared the second slightly racist nation to do so, after South Africa. Japan demands Ryukyu islands back from China as refund for dodgy uranium.

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