Tuna, salmon and other things are finding themselves pinned to the sea floor from eating so much mercury, in much the same way a teenager can’t get out of bed from being laden with the torments of society misunderstanding him.
Sea creatures acquire a portfolio of heavy metals through the other sea creatures that they eat, which did the same thing – making the heavy metal economy a giant pyramid scheme: except it’s the guys at the top who are lumbered with all the useless crap. The higher up the food chain you go, the higher percentage of metal they are, increasing their density until they sink straight to the sea floor. The fish survive because their prey will always be floating slightly above them, by virtue of their slightly lower metal content.
The effect on the fishing industry has been largely positive. Fishermen have reported higher catches of heavier tuna now that the dolphins can’t get to them, though this increased revenue is offset somewhat by the cost of providing a sachet of chelating agent with each can. The metallic sheen also makes the fish look fresher, boosting sales; though this is no indicator of actual freshness as it takes years for microbes to get a foothold in meat and spoil it, given the mercury content.
Experts at the Met Office have attributed the heavy rain and lightning across much of the UK to the birth of the Antichrist on British soil.
“We were expecting this. Our
prophecies climate models predicted the spawn of Satan to walk the Earth on the cusp of Leo and Cancer, bringing with it weather the likes of which this country has never seen. I know people were enjoying the clear skies and now the relief of rain, but believe me, this is not something to be welcomed. We advise everyone to stay indoors at all costs, and to dig a network of tunnels if travel is absolutely necessary.”
“We’re not yet sure who the Antichrist is, but it will be of ‘crustacean blood’ and silver-mouthed. While we don’t condone anyone who slays newborns matching this description, we are not condemning it, either. It should also be noted that the birth of this child will be celebrated occasion by mortals. Such is the deceitful nature of the Devil.”
David Cameron’s announcement of new laws to stem the flow of smut into the United Kingdom may prove ultimately futile if Kate Middleton chooses to breastfeed, which is likely.
It has been revealed that the late Christopher Hitchens, inventor of the Hitchslap, remains considerably successful in holding his ground in debates, despite the handicap of being dead.
Traditionally, people who can argue (or at least shout big words eloquently enough) lose the ability to win once they die, since the part of the brain involved in verbal reasoning permanently shuts down. However, in Hitchens’s case this has only slowed him down slightly: a few critics have managed to get a word in edgeways against him but on the whole nobody can match him on such controversial topics such as “Mother Teresa being a filthy whore” and the war in Iraq. The journalist’s charisma and wit are so strong even post mortem that visitors to his grave report being overwhelmed by an urge to renounce whatever religion they follow, just as they’re about to finally tell Hitchens what they really thought of his tirade against it.