Monthly Archives: August 2013

World adopts Kelvin scale in an attempt to lure USA into abandoning Fahrenheit

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Oil tends to be found in places with lots of money

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Norway has large reserves of oil, unlike its poorer neighbours.

Geologists have established a casual link between the location of crude oil deposits and the GDP of countries nearby, with hopes that this will pave the way for finding oil without having to poke random places until the drill gets wet.

Oil is formed from the remains of little sea animals under the sea when put under heat and pressure, including but not limited to the larvae of ancient singing hermit crabs. Large reserves of these have been found in Canada, the USA, Saudi Arabia, off the coast of Brunei, along with many others, showing a very strong casual link between the two factors. The only exception is Yemen, which once had large oil reserves but is now poor, but that is most likely due to their own fuck-ups since the United Kingdom ran out of oil as well but is still disgustingly rich.

What is most exciting about this theory is that it challenges the idea that Europe is an oil-barren wasteland that has to buy most of the stuff from the Middle East, as pretty much all of Western and Northern Europe have GDPs per capita that strongly suggest undiscovered reserves so large that they might tempt the continent away from bikes and trains and back to gas-guzzling cars. Shell, which funded the research, is planning to have drilling platforms installed in Switzerland and Luxembourg by 2019, despite being slightly disappointed with the final results. “We were hoping for at least smart casual to really cement the relationship.”

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Merrill Lynch invoices Moritz Erhardt’s family with uncompleted paperwork

The last time Erhardt was ever seen wearing casual attire.

The pile of reports left by Moritz Erhardt’s untimely demise was mailed to his family upon the realisation that they hadn’t been completed despite a record-breaking string of all-nighters for an intern.

“They’re not going to finish themselves. The rest of us are already working at 100% capacity so we can’t do it, and it’s not like we had anticipated that the kid would buckle after just three straight days of working so we don’t have any backup plans. Even if he survived, we would have had to let him go: we don’t employ pussies here at Merrill Lynch.”

Along with the reports, the banking giant sent complimentary amphetamines, sleeping pills and a DVD of Glengarry Glen Ross to ensure that the family get the reports done on time, since the they obviously can’t handle their 18-hour work days.

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Millions of A Level students celebrating getting into debt for the rest of their lives

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The one day of the year that women get the media spotlight for something apart from their looks (alone).

Schools across the UK yesterday were filled with the giddy excitement of students whose dreams of getting up to £60,000 in debt will be coming true this September.

Louise, 18, who got 257 thousand A*’s in subjects you’ve never even heard of, had her place at University College London to study Chemistry confirmed. “I didn’t get into my first choice of Imperial because I got a B in Maths, but I’m still very happy with UCL. They have the same fee structure so I’m still getting the same debt enslavement that you’d expect from any good university.” Her mother was particularly proud: “I thought I’d never get to see my children owing ridiculous amounts of money paying for things of dubious worth, after the 2008 financial crisis and the end of cheap credit,. I couldn’t be prouder of her: I didn’t manage to rack up that kind of debt until I was in my 30’s. She’s doing it and she’s barely left school.”

With nearly all UK universities charging £9,000 a year, most applicants will receive the debt levels that they deserve, as the beneficiaries of parents who had free education. Only a handful of places offer less, though in the case of London Metropolitan (a snip at £6,000), the increased cost of living in the capital should serve as an adequate subsidy. Students for whom the UK system is not enough are even looking across the Atlantic, where fees of tens of thousands per year and even higher interest rates are common, which would be a concrete way to get any prospective unemployed graduate firmly and permanently on the debt ladder.

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Interview with Aaron Paul

"Bitch."

“Bitch.”

Bitch bitch Bitch Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitches – bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Bitch:

“Bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, bitch! Bitch Bitch ‘BITCH BITCH’ bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, bitch bitch bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch bitch, bitch bitches!

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Tribe discovered that hasn’t seen every episode of Friends

Called 'Cunts' in Australia. And in the rest of the world.

Called ‘Cunts’ in Australia.

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe in Papua New Guinea who have yet to be exposed to all 236 episodes of popular USA sitcom Friends.

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, do you realise how rare this is? There are children in the mountains of Tibet who can name the first three words of every single episode by the age of five. We can finally study humans who don’t know every detail of Ross and Rachel’s decade-long ‘will they, won’t they’ or know exactly how many hours the gang spent in same coffee shop over the course of the series. Though we need to move quickly: it’s only a matter of time before they get Freeview in their area and spoil the pristine environment free of re-runs.”

The tribe’s chief explained that it’s not even watched that much among his tribe: “It’s rather distasteful to see people in a show titled as such regularly having sex with one another, and as such isn’t very popular here.” It was further revealed that no true translation for ‘friend’ exists in their language, the closest word meaning ‘sibling who might not be related’. Other factors contributing to their less-than-perfect knowledge of Phoebe’s goofy antics include having less than one box set per capita and an aversion to paying to experience the same thing over and over again. “I can do that without a TV licence or cable subscription, the trees in this rainforest look all the same to me, I could watch those if I wanted.”

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Cow engineered with bread for muscles

Cows already provide two of the four main food groups.

Cows already provide two of the four main food groups.

Scientists at Imperial College London have revealed a breakthrough that has the potential to revolutionize the bakery industry: they have successfully produced in vivo loaves of bread with the help of a cow.

Bread, along with muffins, bagels and so on, is normally produced by baking dough at high temperatures, made from the ground kernels of wheat, rye or other grains – a process that destroys the plant and requires little animal suffering beyond chewing up mice too stupid to get out of a combine harvester’s way. This new method involves coaxing the muscles of a cow to produce a scaffold of carbohydrates with air bubbles instead of muscle fibres, resulting in completely non-functional but stodgy and filling muscles that can be sliced and filled with the meat from an unmodified cow.

The harvested ‘flesh’ is ready to eat from slaughter: doing away with the necessity for bakery ovens, as well as streamlining the production of different food groups: a cow can be modified to grow bread on its rump but real muscle elsewhere. Beyond its practical applications, the market is enormous: following the recent consumption of a burger made from stem cells, a survey showed that up to 20% of Brits wanted a burger where more of its components required killing several large animals. Other potential target markets include vegans whose reasoning has become so convoluted to wanting to eliminate the suffering of plants, and those on keto diets, who will welcome the loophole in carb abstention that it offers. One such dieter commented in a questionnaire: ‘I literally want to have my cake and eat it.’

Despite the massive strides, the research leader is humble about their achievements: “So far, we’ve only gotten the cows to make bread, but we are hoping to crack pastry in five years and differentiated production within the muscle in ten, so we can realise our dream of an animal-sized Beef Wellington.”

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