Pope Francis encouraging atheists to dabble in creationism

The Pope has issued a statement asking non-believers across the world to try out creationism at least once, even if it’s just for the weekend.

“Come on, just give it a shot, that’s all I’m asking. I’ve already gotten the Catholic Church to downgrade their stance on you guys from ‘you’re going to burn in Hell’ to ‘you’re probably going to burn in Hell’, not to mention given to green light to contraception. I don’t think anyone realises how many dicks I had to suck to get that to happen. But it’s a two-way street, you know? You can’t expect the Church to make all the effort here. It doesn’t have to be much, either: just start off with refraining from calling monkeys our cousins, or claim an error margin on the Universe’s age of 13.7 billion years. Or if you absolutely can’t accept that the Earth is 6000 years old, at least be open to it being somewhere half way between that figure and 4.54 billion. Surely as the white knights of the scientific method you can understand the importance of uncertainty. Fuck it, I’ll consider it a win if you re-consider your stance on intelligence design.”

However, the heathens that the Pope is reaching out to consider the concessions on his side to be hollow, as they have pointed out that the Church’s implicit homosexual activity implicitly condones condom use, because nobody ever puts brown sauce on their hot dogs.

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