Monthly Archives: September 2013

Breaking Bad viewers looking for other shows to sate addiction to drug lord drama

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Now that Breaking Bad has come to and end, millions of viewers are facing the reality of going without a crime drama involving a meth lord, with no sixth season to look forward to. Many are expected to turn to Dexter for their fix, whose protagonist’s murder of evil people will surely provide the conflicted feelings of respect and contempt. Those already on Dexter will have no choice but to watch re-runs of Breaking Bad, and restrict themselves to the later series when Walter White becomes a right bastard.

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Noel Edmonds biding his time until he gets charged with sexual assault

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It’s only a matter of time before he gets arrested for opening boxes of a different kind.

 

Following last year’s revelations of Jimmy Savile, along with countless other old men in the media industry thanks to Operation Yewtree, Noel Edmonds has admitted to being ‘worried’ that sexual abuse allegations will soon find their way to his doorstep.

The presenter of risk-reward strategy gameshow ‘Deal or No Deal’ was initially a bit worried when Jimmy Savile’s child-fucking past came to light, but thought little of it. “The police were kicking themselves when they found out. I mean, he was an unusually creepy guy so it was no surprise at all. And when they arrested Gary Glitter – again, big deal, he’d been already caught outsourcing getting his glam rocks off to Thailand.”

Rolf Harris’s arrest earlier this month for multiple counts of indecent assault and making indecent pictures of children (presumably in watercolour) has given Edmonds more reason for concern. “Rolf Harris a lot further down the scale of creepiness than Savile ever was – he registers at just ‘has facial hair, is loveably weird’. Once you factor in my relationship with Mr. Blobby, I’m pretty much at that level. I was kind of hoping that I’d be dead and gone by the time it all came out, but that’s looking as unlikely as pubic hair on Max Clifford’s old girlfriends.”

Edmonds has bought a thesaurus to learn adverbs to accompany the word ‘deny’, and is considering shaving his beard in attempt to buy more time, but many are unsure of whether a beardless Noel Edmonds is scarier than one who molests children.

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Police stumped as not a single dark-skinned person present during Washington Navy Yard shooting

Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department have admitted that they are completely stumped over the identity of the perpetrators of the shooting at Washington Navy Yard yesterday, as there wasn’t a single ethnic-looking person in sight.

The department’s Chief of Police, Cathy Lanier, said that ‘all their leads have drawn a blank’, and that the department ‘will be forced to consider the possibility that American citizens of European origin could have been behind this’. Initially, CCTV footage of the nearby area was run through government-issued skin tone recognition software ‘BlackTrack’. When this failed to reveal anyone darker than Christina Hendricks with sunburn, analysts turned to records of who signed in and out of the yard within the past 24 hours. Each name was traced all the way back to its immigrant ancestors. “When every one of them was pure European by blood, we drew a blank. There were a few Irish descendants, which would have helped out if this were the 1900’s. Since I’ve been here, we’ve never had to go beyond this stage before. Now we’re going to have to actually start bringing people in for questioning.”

 

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UN confirms “unequivocally” Assad using chemical weapons

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A UN inspector gathering chemicals. There are at least five types of them in this picture alone.

The UN has confirmed “unequivocally and objectively” that chemical weapons have been used in Syria.

A UN report says that Assad’s government has repeatedly and indiscreetly used weapons against rebels, and that these weapons contain several chemicals. These chemicals are highly dangerous, known to regularly cause fatalities unless wielded by someone who can’t use an iron sight properly.  Foreign Secretary William Hague said he was ‘disgusted and disappointed by the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons in this day and age, especially when there are perfectly usable nuclear weapons available. There’s nothing in the NPT that stipulates that you can’t just buy nuclear weapons from a particular world power as long as nobody finds out about it.”

Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is insisting that the chemical weapons are nothing to worry about, as they are in fact made from natural materials: “They’re made from stuff that’s been dug out of the ground, sourced from ancient alluvial deposits.” He added that Sarin gas is an organic compound, a damn sight better than all the inorganic compounds used in conventional weapons.

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Voyager 1 confirms Universe having four spatial dimensions

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“I feel like I’m in space version of Groundhog day.”

Voyager 1’s most recent departure from the Solar System has provided strong evidence that the Universe is made of four dimensions even not counting time, despite whatever general relativity has to say on the matter.

The spacecraft has been on roughly straight trajectory ever since leaving the gravitational influence of the Solar System, which means that it could only have left it more than once by travelling through a fourth dimension that allows it to loop back on itself. The possibility that Voyager 1 simply got a gravity assist from an unknown planet, but the odds of one massive enough that far out existing, and Voyager to swing by it rather than smashing into it were deemed “astronomical”. Suggested modifications to Newtonian gravity were laughed straight out of the room.

The prevailing alternative hypothesis is that the Universe is simply our own solar system copied over infinitely many times, but has been rejected by most of the scientific community because it’s too unsettling. However, the new finding also explains why USB connectors take three tries to plug in, as well as how boomerangs work. “We didn’t really understand how boomerangs work, until now. Aboriginal Australians probably have no idea that they mastered the fourth dimension before doing anything with the third.”

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Judge throws out case because he can’t address defendant by full name

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A case was been thrown out of court last week because the judge could not accuse the defendant as he refused to say his full name.

Matthew Jones, 29, was charged with insurance fraud on 6 August when his house ‘mysteriously burned down due to a miscalculation of the smoke point of overproof rum’. He later admitted that the rum may have contributed to the error. Over the following two weeks a substantial body of evidence was gathered, including CCTV footage presented by his nosy neighbour, revealing several removal vans to move leather furniture and racks of clothing to his current residence in Brentwood. Forensic analysis also revealed that the receipts he produced for the insurance company as proof of ownership of 25kg of saffron were forged. Despite his insistence that his neighbour’s had it in for him ever since their cat died eating deadly nightshade from his garden, the jury revealed their verdict of ‘guilty’, with an additional ‘liar liar saffron not on fire’.

The twist came when Jones, already tasting the prison gruel in his mouth early on, changed his last name to Nigger. The judge, unable to bring himself to drop the N-bomb, attempted to deliver the verdict first by obliquely referring to him in the same manner that people do when they don’t want to call their partner’s parents Mum/Dad or by their first names. Nigger promptly asked the judge to confirm who he was speaking to, which was met with a frustrated silence followed by violent mute pointing and hand-waving and an outburst of ‘you all know who I’m talking about, that guy over in the stand’, slamming his wig on his desk before storming out. When no other judge would take the case for the same reason, the entire case was dismissed.

To prevent more of the accused from escaping justice in this manner, a new bill is being rushed through Parliament to outlaw changing one’s name to the racially charged term, but is expected to fail to get a majority as there is nobody in the House of Lords willing to describe the bill in sufficient detail.

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