Assad orders chemical attacks on civilians

“Fuck it, might as well”

Bashar-al-Assad_316565k[1]

Multiple outlets are confirming a chemical attack in Damascus, killing an estimated 1429 people.

Assad had this to say: “I don’t normally use chemical agents in war seeing how it’s a violation of human rights, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and get invaded for something we didn’t do – I’m not becoming another cliché. So fuck it, I might as well. I was initially going to crack out the barrels of Sarin gas for a special occasion like my birthday, but hey ho, plans change. I don’t even have a choice in the matter: it’s not like I can bring the stuff with me when I high-tail it out of here when the troops arrive – ever since 9/11 it’s become an absolute pain trying to bring 50 tonnes of nerve agent on a plane. And if I leave them lying around some poor sod is going to open one and get themselves gassed, so it’s better that I use it up and get it out of the way before someone gets hurt.”

Obama’s administration has received praise from the world community for their swift reaction to the attacks. “It breaks the fundamental laws of physics to respond to something *before* it happens. It just goes to show how committed the USA is to ensuring the safety of Syrian civilians. They’re out there saving the world while the rest of us are too tangled in the red tape of general relativity to get anything done.” Russia was alone in condemning the military action, claiming that the several independent mass spectrometry tests of air samples confirming the deployment of Sarin were inconclusive. “Our test results show that the toxic gas detected was not due to chemical weapons, but merely the result of someone eating a dodgy falafel.”

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