Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department have admitted that they are completely stumped over the identity of the perpetrators of the shooting at Washington Navy Yard yesterday, as there wasn’t a single ethnic-looking person in sight.
The department’s Chief of Police, Cathy Lanier, said that ‘all their leads have drawn a blank’, and that the department ‘will be forced to consider the possibility that American citizens of European origin could have been behind this’. Initially, CCTV footage of the nearby area was run through government-issued skin tone recognition software ‘BlackTrack’. When this failed to reveal anyone darker than Christina Hendricks with sunburn, analysts turned to records of who signed in and out of the yard within the past 24 hours. Each name was traced all the way back to its immigrant ancestors. “When every one of them was pure European by blood, we drew a blank. There were a few Irish descendants, which would have helped out if this were the 1900’s. Since I’ve been here, we’ve never had to go beyond this stage before. Now we’re going to have to actually start bringing people in for questioning.”