Monthly Archives: October 2013

This year’s top nine Halloween costumes

Not sure on what to wear this Halloween? Here are a few ideas:

1. QE3 – staple several million 100-dollar bills to a business suit and give yourself Ben Bernanke’s facial hair. When the punch runs low at a party, you have to top it up with juice.

2. Lady Gaga – pick a Halloween costume of your choice, make the hat 10 times larger and claim to everyone that you’re doing it to express yourself and not for the attention.

3. White Supremacist from Breaking Bad – an extra 10 points for every person you slay who’s dressed as Walter White.

4. Heath Ledger’s Joker – everyone will be too busy complaining about the lack of creativity of Breaking Bad costumes to notice that yours is not only done to death and to an infinitely higher standard, but entirely dated.

5. Robin Thicke – take a pinstripe suit that’s been washed until the colours run, and make every effort to annoy anyone who claims to be a feminist.

6. Press Regulation Royal Charter – wear nappies and suck your thumb, only taking breaks to wail and thrash on the floor whenever someone says your costume is shit because it’s just a nappy.

7. Project Tempora – dress yourself as a black box while sitting in a corner silently listening to everyone’s conversations. If anyone tries to talk about your costume (they won’t even see you), divert the conversation at all costs.

8. British Weather in 2013 – bring five outfits that you never wear and switch between them every 30 minutes.

9. World War Z  – go as a werewolf.

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Commuter buys spacious 3-bedroom house in geostationary Earth orbit

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Rising house prices have forced those looking to get on to the property ladder to set their sights farther afield, with some first-time buyers making their first purchase as many as 40,000 kilometres up from the capital.

£100,000 can now buy you a semi-detached three-bedroom house in orbit around Earth. “It’s nice and quiet out here in deep space.” says Mary, a 25-year-old IT consultant based in Bank. “I don’t have to worry about snooping neighbours or crime, if I give myself an aerodynamic profile I can get to London in about 30 minutes. It’s also a lot more convenient for weekend excursions to the Moon and the rest of the Solar system.”

Living outside of the Earth’s atmosphere is not without its disadvantages: the lowered cost of housing is offset somewhat by the expensive shields she has had to buy to defend from cosmic radiation. “There’s also the cost of getting out of Earth’s gravity well five days a week- have you seen the price for solid-rocket boosters these days? It’s almost as expensive as rent in London. Although, I’m hoping that there’ll be a space elevator service within the next decade or so which will really save me on transport.”

With space for housing quickly running out in London and its suburbs, the only direction left to build in is up, so Mary is hoping that her initial investment will pay off in the long run. “I was initially going to buy in the upper stratosphere but on a £25k salary it was out of my price range.”

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Millions of Londoners go back to ignoring each other now storm damage has been cleared up

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Along with the material damage, the storm dealt a strong blow to the idea that English weather is just a damp, empty threat.

The effects of the storm that hit large parts of the UK on Monday morning have now been mostly cleared up, including the brief spate of interaction between neighbours required to move fallen trees and debris.

The strong winds that uprooted hundreds of trees and blew roof tiles off also pushed thousands of satellite dishes and TV aerials out of alignment. When commuters came home from work after bravely ignoring the world around them, many were forced to borrow a ladder from next door in time for the news at 6pm where they could act as voyeurs of storm damage without risking talking to other people. Those unlucky enough to live on their own also sought the help of strangers to move large trees that had recently moved into their back gardens.

Sean, from Chelmsford, had to reclaim his parasol that blew into the garden five doors away. “I knew I might have to talk to the guys living either side of me to put our fences back up, but I didn’t expect to have to go that far. I didn’t even know what the guys at number 25 looked like until last night.” As soon as Sean retrieved his parasol and exchanged empty promises of inviting them under it for a barbecue he went back on to Facebook to post snarky comments about how a transport system that generally sees nothing more than rain can’t cope with weather that occurs once a generation. His status read: “WTF. Trust the British rail network to not be prepared for a few tonnes of wood strewn across their rails. Get some fucking leafblowers TfL!!!”

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Apple to release new Macbook that’s 30% lighter than air

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“We think that the next step in personal computing is a machine that is so light people will need to tie it down at sea level. This may seem as an encumbrance to begin with, until you realise that this makes the MacBook completely weightless on a plane at cruising altitude, increasing comfort for users who like to use computers on business trips to San Francisco or Shanghai. We call it the MacBook Vacuum.”

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Man glad humans aren’t responsible for decline of Tasmanian Devil

A consultant in London was reported to be relieved that the endangered status of an animal isn’t a result of human activity for once.

The Tasmanian Devil, unlike its cartoon counterpart, is currently experiencing a rapid decline in population due to a transmissible form of facial cancer that not only kills its victims but makes them so ugly that nothing will breed with them. Twenty-something James, who works providing services in an office, read about the origins of the disease during his lunch break and gave a huge sigh of relief that the marsupial was going extinct through no fault of his own species. “Global warming, deforestation and pollution are destroying our ecosystem, and the poor sods who can’t afford to get out. It’s nice to know that for once one of the multitude of things going to shit in this world isn’t my fault or humanity’s as a whole. I’m guilt-tripped enough as it is: right now I’m sipping a latte made of coffee beans harvested by people whose salary is less than my weekly wage, and apparently I’m perpetuating their misery.”

James was also comforted by the continual rise in temperatures over the next 5 billion years as a result of the Sun burning through its hydrogen, making anthropogenic global warming seem like a joke in comparison.

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Peter Higgs advocate of creationism now that he’s won Nobel Prize

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Following the trend of Nobel Prize winners doing a complete 180 on the very things that won it for them in the first place, Peter Higgs has announced he is going to start ruining the face of physics – starting with advocacy of the young Earth theory that completely flies in the face of radioactive dating.

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British Gas recommends mugging Russians to balance price hikes

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British Gas is recommending that its customers seek to meet the difference in their energy bills by forcibly claiming it back from the numerous Russian immigrants in London: “You want to blame someone? Go blame Russia for hiking their gas prices. With all the hate everyone harbours for Polish and Bulgarian immigrants here, why not channel some of that into their fellow Slavic neighbours? It’s not like half of you would even be able to tell the difference if you didn’t know their postcodes.”

The capital has seen an influx of immigrant wealthy Russians over recent years, presumably because the miserable weather and ridiculous house prices makes them feel right at home. British Gas pointed out that anyone who feels guilty about committing physical assault in order to save some money should remember that as citizens of a country where the only thing scarier than its weather is its nuclear capabilities, they are affected far less by the gas prices. Their general wealthiness will also minimise any financial impact of losing the couple hundred pounds and their genuine Gucci wallets. Any die-hard pacifists are advised to print out pictures of gas flames and huddle around them in the hopes that the placebo effect will stave off frostbite.

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Madeleine McCann’s parents offering £40,000 to informants to shut up

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Following the Metropolitan Police’s reward of £20,000 to anyone with information leading to the arrest of Madeleine McCann, the parents of Portugal’s most wanted 10-year-old have provided a counter-offer to anyone with such information to keep it to themselves.

The recent fresh appeal to the public for information received such a positive response that Kate and Gerry McCann are now worrying that they might be approaching closure on the incident, and offered £30,000 to anyone who had any conclusive information. The offer was then raised to £40,000 after a man claimed to be one of the kidnappers but then got arrested for perjury because he wasn’t, and was just sick and tired of reading it in the news. When Kate was asked about her motivation behind offer, she gave this emotional response: “The media frenzy surrounding the kidnapping has, in a weird way, come to replace Maddy in our hearts in her absence. To think this might actually end is unthinkable.”

Many have criticised the move by the couple from Leicestershire, pointing out that it will encourage people to monetise the kidnapping of an innocent child, and more importantly be a huge financial drain as there is little stopping anyone from coming forward with bogus information. Kate responded by saying: “It’s a loss-leader. I’ll make it all back with a few book and movie deals.”

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