British Gas recommends mugging Russians to balance price hikes


British Gas is recommending that its customers seek to meet the difference in their energy bills by forcibly claiming it back from the numerous Russian immigrants in London: “You want to blame someone? Go blame Russia for hiking their gas prices. With all the hate everyone harbours for Polish and Bulgarian immigrants here, why not channel some of that into their fellow Slavic neighbours? It’s not like half of you would even be able to tell the difference if you didn’t know their postcodes.”

The capital has seen an influx of immigrant wealthy Russians over recent years, presumably because the miserable weather and ridiculous house prices makes them feel right at home. British Gas pointed out that anyone who feels guilty about committing physical assault in order to save some money should remember that as citizens of a country where the only thing scarier than its weather is its nuclear capabilities, they are affected far less by the gas prices. Their general wealthiness will also minimise any financial impact of losing the couple hundred pounds and their genuine Gucci wallets. Any die-hard pacifists are advised to print out pictures of gas flames and huddle around them in the hopes that the placebo effect will stave off frostbite.

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