Astronomers using data from NASA’s Kepler telescope estimate that up to one in five stars could have planets where lifeforms evolve on them capable of posting on Youtube.
Currently, it is accepted that the best chance for intelligent life to arise is on planets that are of similar size to Earth and within the host star’s habitable zone – where water can exist in its liquid state. Simpler forms of life, on the other hand, have a far broader range, as they don’t require warm temperatures or the higher metabolic rate to maintain a brain that could add a semblance of coherence to posts made on the internet. They also wouldn’t be in a position to complain about whichever god-forsaken rock they evolved on if they’re too stupid to build a space program.
Dr. Walter Hurst, one of the astronomers analysing the data at NASA, explained that the information is there for the taking. “We could point our radio telescopes at these planets to see if any of them are broadcasting Youtube comments but we’re too scared of what we might find. It’s a harrowing thought when you think about the millions of inane, poorly written sentences generated by this planet alone. Now multiply that by a fifth of the stars in the entire galaxy and you can understand why we’re not bothering. We’d rather focus on finding intelligent life instead.”
His peers don’t share his isolationist views. “We need to get out there as soon as possible. We need to find as many planets capable of supporting life as we can, and nuke them from orbit before they get a chance to create organisms that can use a keyboard without the language skills to go with it.”