Monthly Archives: December 2013

Mobile companies brace themselves for DDoS of their networks

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Telecoms companies across the UK are preparing for a potential distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack on their mobile phone networks at the stroke of midnight tonight.

According to intelligence gathered, millions of people will be simultaneously making several phone calls and sending up to tens of text messages at the very beginning of 1 January 2014, causing large amounts of delays in receiving messages and making phone calls almost impossible. To get around the problem of people’s watches, clocks and phones being slightly out of sync, a universal signal will be used, which will be broadcasted on terrestrial TV and radio, as well as being visible and audible throughout much of London. As soon as the Big Ben chimes, that will signal everyone to launch their attack on all mobile networks but 3, whose coverage is so awful there’s no need to bother sabotaging it in the first place.

The attack will consist of a mixture of phone calls of loud shouting and music punctuated by the occasional ‘happy New Year’ and ‘can you hear me?’, and SMS messages consisting of jokes and poems that the recipient has hopefully forgotten he or she received an exact copy of the previous time last year.

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Nigella Lawson does porn and nobody notices

 “Yeah, now I see the distinct lack of cooking ingredients apart from oil, cream and chocolate.”

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Polio victim breathing in iron lung thankful his social skills weren’t hindered by vaccine

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Polio has been all but eliminated across the world, leaving it with overpopulated with healthy yet socially inept people

A 64-year-old man speaking in Morse code using blinks feels like he ‘dodged a bullet’ when his parents opted out of vaccinating him against polio, among other life-threatening diseases.

Jim Sturm, born in 1959, was among the first generation to have access to the vaccine of polio, a viral disease that can cause nerve damage and paralysis in victims. However, his parents refused doctors to administer the vaccine because during their summer holiday in Madrid a fortune teller told them that they would need to make a very important decision about their child that involved pointed objects.

“I’m glad that my parents stood up against 400 years of modern medicine and the scientific method, else I might be here right now avoiding your stare and talking about train timetables. Instead, I’m a fully-functioning human being who has little trouble communicating with you but simply requires the aid of a 7-foot metal tube to meet one of my most basic human needs.” Jim’s friends describe him as ‘outgoing, gregarious and sociable’, pointing out that being able to hold a conversation for more than five minutes is an absolute necessity in order to play off the awkwardness of having a care worker wipe your arse for you. One of his friends sometimes wished he did get vaccinated, though: “Being a bit more introverted would really suit Jim, since we can’t always keep him company.”

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Heavy fog brings relief to Londoners from seeing other people’s faces

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The dense fog that enveloped most of London a few nights ago brought much-needed relief to Londoners sick of seeing the mucusy,  influenza-ridden faces of everyone else, it has been revealed.

With visibility down just a few metres, the only people anyone could see were also within punching distance unless you had short arms. “It’s a shame that the fog didn’t seep into the Underground – my commute back to Zone 6 would’ve been a bit more tolerable if I didn’t have to see anyone.” Many were also hoping to be spared the sight of Christmas decorations all over shopping districts, but their bright lights shone through the fog.

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Unemployed school dropout with no money still has his street cred

“I got offered a minimum wage internship that I could’ve worked my way up from, but ultimately I wouldn’t be able to keep it real on the streets if I got a job.”

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Scientist completes painstaking reconstruction of graphite block from sheets of graphene

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Graphite consists of billions of billions of layers of graphene stacked on top of each other.

A researcher in London has made waves in the materials science community – by building a block of graphite from graphene.

The material holds several advantages over its constituent: it’s much easier to manufacture and handle, as well as having several established uses and widespread knowledge of its properties. “Graphene is a fickle piece of shit. It potentially can do this, that and the other but it’s no use if we can’t get big enough pieces of it. That’s another advantage of graphite: there’s virtually no upper limit to its size. It’s like Lego except we have a limitless box of bricks.”The hard part will be pulling it apart again. “My supervisors aren’t interested in graphite’s uses as a lubricant, refractory material or writing implement. Apparently they want the graphene back so they can build transistors that blow silicon chips out of the water.”

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