What you can do to prepare for Cameron’s Internet

1. Stock up on porn. The more perverted, deranged and life-threatening, the better. In the coming years, good old-fashioned smut will become as hard to come by here as a clear day in London.

2. Invest in a microwave. If and when the local neighbourhood watch comes knocking thanks to new powers to investigate any households using VPNs, TOR, proxy servers or anything else to sneak contraband in past the great firewall of Britain, you’ll want to at least be able to plausibly deny that you were on RedTube. Pop your hard drive into a microwave for sixty seconds at full power to eliminate most traces of perversion, such as pornography, sites related to gay acitivism, sexual health and education, and even counselling. Just make sure you put on a pair of trousers, hide the Polish gingerbread you were snacking on and drape a Union Jack over yourself when you answer the door to make your cover story of reading the Daily Mail more believable.

3. Learn Mandarin. The Chinese have had a good 20 years to practice shielding the public from the Internet, so it stands to reason that Chinese sites to get around network filters will be the best. Speaking the local language would also come in handy when it comes to eventually moving to somewhere with less internet censorship.

4. Get a job in a big company, preferably in technology. Money is power, and you can bet that any self-respecting business will be able to buy itself into the internet the way it was meant to be used. Not a corporate cog in the system or too scared to use the company VPN for recreational purposes? Too fucking bad. Now you realise why Big Society is named as such: it’s all for the big guys.

5. Write to your MP in protest of internet censorship, and pray that he/she can see past the ‘think of the children’ smokescreen. You might instead pray that they don’t, because you want to make sure that your efforts have failed so you can throw your hands up in the air and say that you tried as a way to shut up everyone who criticises you for slacktivism on Facebook. But if you wanted that, you could just write them an email, and let the technological literacy of the average UK MP do the rest.

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