A 25-year-old in Texas, USA, has become the first human being to overcome rigid body forces, it has been reported.
Joe Morel achieved hydrostatic equilibrium last Friday at approximately 1700 Central Standard Time upon consuming his third plate of cheesy chips, when neighbours heard an audible sigh of relief coming from a man whose bones and muscle were no longer required to maintain his shape.
The work-at-home trader’s diet drew the attention of his doctor, who made it clear that he was endangering his health – but after multiple warnings and Morel’s insistence that his weight was in ounces and not pounds he was recommended to eat even more in order to become sphere-shaped. This would allow him to roll in order to get around, as he had entirely lost the ability to walk a year prior and had outgrown even the most robust scooters that American manufacturers could offer.
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) has scheduled a meeting on 28 March to discuss whether Morel will become the ninth planet of the Solar System, as he has also cleared his neighbourhood of any snacks as of this morning. Spokesperson Lars Christensen added: “He meets the three requirements set out in 2006, which is a pain because having a human being as a planet is as ridiculous as having 12 planets. We’re going to have to add more rules or get him to jump through some hoops, which will hopefully get him to lose weight.”