“Satan’s plutocratic days are numbered”
Bob Crow, the late General Secretary of the National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers (RMT), has vowed “not to rest in peace until workers in Hell get a fairer deal”, a conversation with a ouija board revealed this afternoon.
The union leader, who helped secure pensions for thousands of in the transport sector and fuck over the mornings of millions of commuters, died earlier today and was sent to Hell, where he was immediately appalled by the conditions that workers are enduring: no minimum wage, zero hour contracts and a lack of air conditioning despite being stuck several kilometres below the surface. Crow added: “There are people here mining sulphur without gas masks or fireproof clothing – I’ve been here for two hours and have already seen someone fall into a pit of lava.”
Workers’ rights in Hell have been steadily eroded over the past 2000 years since the installation of Satan as overseer of the dominion, for those who are lucky enough to have kept their jobs in the first place. The large influx of souls condemned to eternal damnation during the Black Death, pushed the economy of Hell to breaking point as it struggled to create jobs that lasted until the end of time. During this period, trade unions lost a lot of their power and haven’t recovered since -something Bob Crow promises to change. “My work has only just begun on restoring the trade unions of the Underground to make sure the damned get pensions and fair wages.”