Monthly Archives: August 2014

Richard Dawkins caught secretly worshipping God

Mass is held at 11am on Sundays at the church.

The service is held at 11am every Sunday at the church.

The author of “The Selfish Gene” and general bag of dicks to religious people was sighted in a a church attending Mass last Sunday, eye-witness accounts reveal.

Richard Dawkins was spotted at the All Saints Church in Notting Hill, London, mouthing the words to hymns, praying and taking communion along the other hundred or so faithful present. dressed in a coat with high collars and wearing sunglasses, attire that others considered unusual for summer and the indoors venue. One of the churchgoers reports that he approached Dawkins after the sermon to ask for his autograph, which he politely turned down claiming that he wasn’t actually Richard Dawkins, but gets ‘mixed up with him all the time’. However, following him to the Tube station he saw the lookalike take off his disguise where he could get full view of his face and confirm the man’s identity.

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Your father arrested for sexual assault

guardian.co.uk

Your father has been placed under arrest following allegations of sexually assaulting several young boys and women, sources revealed this morning.

Your father, yes the man who clothed, fed and raised you for at least 18 years, was pulled in for questioning a fortnight ago when rumours surfaced that he groped the next door neighbour’s hot but of-questionable-age daughter at a barbecue one summer twelve years ago. It was then that suddenly a whole bunch of other stories of sexual abuse, suspicious behaviour and looking at people funny came to light that prompted the police to open an formal investigation on your father, the last person you would never think was capable of such acts. The rock of your family and respected member of the community emphatically denies the allegations: “I honestly have no idea where these rumours came from – I’ve never laid a finger (or two) on anyone else but my wife and Sarah from 9th grade.” Your father, or Dad as he is more commonly known, hastily added that he was also in 9th grade at the time when he did things with the aforementioned Sarah.

If found guilty of the charges raised, your father faces up to eight years in jail, forcing you and your mother to completely re-evaluate your worldview and possibly disown one of the biggest influences in your life.

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