Your father arrested for sexual assault

guardian.co.uk

Your father has been placed under arrest following allegations of sexually assaulting several young boys and women, sources revealed this morning.

Your father, yes the man who clothed, fed and raised you for at least 18 years, was pulled in for questioning a fortnight ago when rumours surfaced that he groped the next door neighbour’s hot but of-questionable-age daughter at a barbecue one summer twelve years ago. It was then that suddenly a whole bunch of other stories of sexual abuse, suspicious behaviour and looking at people funny came to light that prompted the police to open an formal investigation on your father, the last person you would never think was capable of such acts. The rock of your family and respected member of the community emphatically denies the allegations: “I honestly have no idea where these rumours came from – I’ve never laid a finger (or two) on anyone else but my wife and Sarah from 9th grade.” Your father, or Dad as he is more commonly known, hastily added that he was also in 9th grade at the time when he did things with the aforementioned Sarah.

If found guilty of the charges raised, your father faces up to eight years in jail, forcing you and your mother to completely re-evaluate your worldview and possibly disown one of the biggest influences in your life.

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