Monthly Archives: January 2015

Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun

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The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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NASA scientists realise they forgot to remove New Horizons’s lens cap before launch

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An artist’s rendering of what a selfie of New Horizons would look like, had someone done their job properly.

The eagerly anticipated flyby of Pluto by New Horizons has been dampened by the revelation that the lens cap was still in place on the spacecraft’s camera at the time of launch.

Scientists involved in the project to visit the dwarf planet for the first time were initially puzzled by the black images that New Horizons was sending back when its camera was activated, as they were pretty sure that despite space being over 99.99999% empty darkness, they would see a few stars here and there.

The project leader explains that it took them a while to work out what really happened. “We initially considered the hypothesis that in the Kuiper Belt there is a previously unknown body so massive it’s gravitationally lensing all starlight away from the region between Neptune and Pluto’s orbits, and then a body so luminous it saturated and blew the camera’s CCD. But then we realised that the guy coming up with all these explanations was responsible for attaching the sensors to the spacecraft so we put two and two together.” The New Horizons team is now placing their hopes on intelligent life existing elsewhere in the Solar System and taking the lens cap off for them.

New Horizons was launched in January 2006, too soon for Pluto’s IAU demotion to dwarf planet to cancel or redirect it towards a celestial body that had the decency to clear the neighbourhood around its orbit.

UK prime minister wants backdoors into Creme Egg recipes or he’ll ban them

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A Creme Egg consists of fondant encrypted in layers of chocolate and coloured foil.

David Cameron is threatening to ban Cadbury’s Creme Eggs unless the UK government gets access to the recipe for its chocolate.

Cameron’s statement comes after Cadbury’s confirmed that it would be changing the recipe for the chocolate used in the shell of Creme Egg, which sparked outrage among the British public who are presumably concerned that they might be trying to sneak some gluten or genetically modified gluten into it.

“The recent departure from the Dairy Milk recipe used in Creme Eggs demonstrated the threat to our enjoyment of Easter or whenever the hell they get sold, and the need for robust powers maintain its creamy goodness.”

Under the proposal, Cadbury’s would be faced with giving up its trade secrets in order to continue doing business in the UK. This would not only set a dangerous precedent that could go as far as the government demanding the formulas for Coca Cola and Pimms, but this violation of secrecy could even be extended to individuals and their right to have their text messages being read without some government employee nosing through them.

If Cadbury’s stick to their guns British consumers may be faced with the prospect of buying inferior Galaxy Caramel eggs this Easter.

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Top 5 sexiest pictures of Muhammad

After Charlie Hebdo’s controversial decision to leak nudes of Muhammad in their magazine, here are some more racy pictures of the prophet that you may have missed.

 

 

 

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Here is Muhammad showing off his package. He must get stopped by airport security often – for having his junk mistaken for a bomb, or simply as an excuse to get their hands all over that sexy body.

 

 

 

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Damn, look at those hazel come-to-bed eyes, and that flawless olive complexion that says “I’m a sexy and from the Middle East”. Our Prophet has never looked so good.

 

 

 

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Or has he? It just goes to show what good it does to stick to Allah’s plan and keep away from drugs. Muhammad is a 100% halal slab of steak.

 

 

 

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Here it is – Muhammad as nude as the day he was born, standing on top of a mountain for all the world to see his beautiful, muscular body. What a majestic motherfucker.

 

 

 

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And finally, leaving nothing to the imagination. Oh yeah, look at that juicy piece of ass, you definitely want a slice of that. Muhammad is hot stuff.

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