Monthly Archives: March 2015

Nigel Farage bets he could eat three shredded wheat


UKIP bossman Nigel Farage has hit out against David Cameron after his shredded wheat analogy to explain that he won’t serve a third term. He said this morning: “A real politician is so busy he needs the energy of at least three shredded wheat to keep him going until lunch.”

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Sex offender’s register could be replaced with white list


Demon Headmaster lookalike Theresa May has expressed support for replacing the current sex offender’s register with a white list of non-offenders, which would consequently initially exclude everyone ever involved with the BBC.

This comes after ‘Dr. Fox’ Neil Fox (whose doctorate is now presumed to be in gynaecology) was charged with nine counts of sexual assault, officially breaking the Beeb’s monopoly on celebrity paedophiles and sex pests.

According to one of May’s advisors, the sex offenders register is starting to look so bloated that in the near future that it might take less effort to maintain a list of people who haven’t fucked a 14-year-old or a 21-year-old who can lie to the press. “The current register was designed for a traditional British society where sexual misconduct was kept on the down low and as a result only have to deal with the odd few trickling in. It was never supposed to handle the full-blown tsunami of kiddy fiddling on our hands – for the first time ever last week we had to upgrade our servers to store all the new names added in the past year.”

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MPAA to define trilogy as four films


As a follow-up to the announcement of the fourth installment of the Toy Story film franchise the┬áMotion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has made steps to define the word “trilogy” to mean four in the context of films.

A spokesman for the MPAA said in a press conference this morning: “The great thing about films is that if they’re successful we can pump out two more, cash in and claim that was our intention all along. But if we add a fourth, it becomes a quadrilogy which doesn’t roll off the tongue so nicely, and reminds our audience that maybe we’ve taken the franchise too far. And with the current economic climate as it is, we really don’t want to restrict ourselves to three films per ‘good idea’. Sequels are the only thing keeping this industry afloat apart from the reboot cycle of Batman/Superman films.”

The move is suspected to be in response to the criticism that Toy Story 4’s announcement has generated: many are worried that this means Pixar has finally realised that they can create as many Toy Story films as they want since toys age negligibly compared to humans.

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