The system will comprise of two components. State-of-the-art gaydar stations that will be able to detect incoming gay missiles (and regular ones painted in fabulous colours), homosexual weapon payloads and gay-sympathising soldiers coming from Eastern Europe. Once the target has been acquired, batteries of grey kilowatt lasers will be fired to destroy it, or at least make it less gay before impacting Russia. The system, whose construction begins late 2014, will cost Russia an estimated $50 billion over the next five years, though this will be offset by the boost to the economy that a booming population will bring, thanks to the increase in heterosexual sex.
Despite the obvious benefits to Russia of the array to defend it from the omnipresent threat that gay missiles and activists pose, many are concerned that it may be used against them if hijacked, as its detection capabilities could be used by the enemy to seek out and have hook up with other hot single males in the area.
The Turkish government has finally accepted its fate as the neighbour who never gets invited to the cool parties next door, and has begun reversing all the policies implemented to get it into the European Union.
The nation has already begun breaking the shackles of its secular past with the construction of new mosques all across the country to worship the world’s second-favourite religion; and the president’s advocacy of ayran, a salty yoghurt drink, over alcohol is the first step in banning the intoxicating substance to get closer to being a good old-fashioned Middle Eastern country.
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, incumbent bossman of Turkey, expressed his satisfaction with the de-Europeanisation of Turkey. “It’s coming together rather nicely. It may be two years late but the recent riots cement our status as bonafide Middle Eastern nation, though it’s a shame that the protesters can actually vote. Next on the agenda is turning my wife into a fashion icon and popularising the headscarf.”
He went on to describe his conflicting views on the nationwide worship of Atatürk, where he said that he’s definitely a fan of the cult of personality, but not of someone who introduced women’s suffrage and banned the fez. Now that Turkey is out of the running, he wished Bosnia & Herzegovina the best of luck in becoming the first Muslim EU member.
Every single country in the world will be granted status as a European country by 2084, when it is expected that Botswana, the most un-European country, finally enters the Eurovision Song Contest.
The Eurovision Song Contest was started in the 1950’s by Switzerland as a way to start fights with western Europe without having to declare war, something it historically hasn’t been very good at. From the initial inclusion of obvious choices like Germany and France, the ESC began allowing the rest of Europe to take part. 1973 saw the first suspect entrant in Israel, conceivably because they blackmailed Germany into letting them in. Since then the slippery slope steepened with Turkey (only technically classified as Europe), Tunisia, Morocco and recently Azerbaijan qualifying to enter.
With Qatar and Kazakhstan applying for eligibility and the European Broadcasting Union’s history of letting in pretty much anyone, the first South American country is expected to enter by the 2030’s, followed by China leading East Asia in 2055. The EBU will be more than willing, as these regions lack the balkanisation that has made the contest a humiliating karmic justice for imperialism for the countries that bankroll the EBU. In the 2060’s the first sub-Saharan country will enter, an tired of being the last to pick up every global trend ever, and by the time Botswana enters the ESC for the first time, the contest will consist of five qualification stages, have 50 nations reaching the final everyone will be forced to learn English in order to understand their home country’s song. And Turkey will be throwing its hands up in the air asking why it’s still not in the European Union.