Category Archives: Middle East

Syrian government to impose quota on UK immigrants

The latest surge in westerners coming into the country and fucking everything up is the greatest Syria has seen since the end of the Second World War.

The Syrian government will limit the number of migrants from the UK o 10,000 from the start of next year, sources close to the president say.

The policy, which has been condemned by the USA as a ‘blatant move to restrict movement of the West in the Middle East’, is a response to the increasing problem of British citizens who come to the country looking to join ISIS or any other terrorist organisation that might be in the area. This comes after Turkey’s refusal to tighten border controls at the Bulgarian border, the last stop in the European Union before entering the Middle East. From here, swathes of dentists, lawyers and engineers make their way into Turkey and beyond after a gruelling three-hour Easyjet flight from London to Sofia.

Syria has seen a spike in British immigration in the past couple years, following the opportunities in terrorism and murder that opened up with the emergence of ISIS. However, reports show there are now a record 20 applicants for every place in the country’s numerous training camps.

“We’re over-subscribed.” says Abu bin-Walid, bomb instructor at a training camp in the outskirts of Damascus. “At first it was great, plenty of new recruits to spread the word of Allah and/or their guts all over the place. But now I can’t sort through candidates quickly enough. This morning I had to turn away an accountant who threatened to blow someone up if he didn’t get in. I told him if he did to tell me where he got his explosives from, because I’ve run out trying to equip my men, I’ve got so many of them.”

The influx of middle-class dickheads looking to leave behind a life of relative comfort in an industralised country has resulted in a chronic shortage of terrorism opportunities, taking away the one outlet that young, disenfranchised Syrian men have. “After meddling in this region’s politics, killing its people and exploiting its natural resources, they’ve come and taken the only thing they have left.”

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Assad orders chemical attacks on civilians

“Fuck it, might as well”

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Multiple outlets are confirming a chemical attack in Damascus, killing an estimated 1429 people.

Assad had this to say: “I don’t normally use chemical agents in war seeing how it’s a violation of human rights, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and get invaded for something we didn’t do – I’m not becoming another clich√©. So fuck it, I might as well. I was initially going to crack out the barrels of Sarin gas for a special occasion like my birthday, but hey ho, plans change. I don’t even have a choice in the matter: it’s not like I can bring the stuff with me when I high-tail it out of here when the troops arrive – ever since 9/11 it’s become an absolute pain trying to bring 50 tonnes of nerve agent on a plane. And if I leave them lying around some poor sod is going to open one and get themselves gassed, so it’s better that I use it up and get it out of the way before someone gets hurt.”

Obama’s administration has received praise from the world community for their swift reaction to the attacks. “It breaks the fundamental laws of physics to respond to something *before* it happens. It just goes to show how committed the USA is to ensuring the safety of Syrian civilians. They’re out there saving the world while the rest of us are too tangled in the red tape of general relativity to get anything done.” Russia was alone in condemning the military action, claiming that the several independent mass spectrometry tests of air samples confirming the deployment of Sarin were inconclusive. “Our test results show that the toxic gas detected was not due to chemical weapons, but merely the result of someone eating a dodgy falafel.”

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Saudi Arabia offers Egyptian sheikh asylum

The government of Saudi Arabia has offered Ahmad Mahmoud Abdullah political asylum after his home country’s government issued an arrest warrant for advice he gave on how to handle female protesters¬† – a significant problem in countries that frequently oppress their women, but do a poor enough job of it that they can complain about it.

Abdullah, also known as Abu Islam, claimed on his private television channel that rape of female protesters was ‘halal’, though off camera he clarified this statement by asserting “not if the women look like pigs”. This statement was considered too extreme even for Egypt’s incumbent Muslim Brotherhood, leading to the warrant which has prompted the Saudi government to take action what it sees as an “unjust punishment to a reasonable viewpoint”. In fact, officials have gone as far as to recommend Abdullah for a position that’s opened up in one of the their think tanks, as well as offering media censorship to quell any accusations that his recent tirade against Valentine’s Day was the result of being resentful about not getting laid.

Saudi Arabia, a world leader in men’s rights (behind only trailblazers Yemen and Pakistan), has considerable gender inequality matched only by the lopsidedness of their exports, which include oil and the occasional dried fruit.

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Saudi cleric advocates lead burkas to hide women from entire electromagnetic spectrum

“The lead poisoning is a small price to pay for warding off perverts wearing thermal vision goggles”

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