Category Archives: North America

Donald Trump trying his hardest to be taken as a joke in US primaries

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Trump hired a photographer to take the worst possible photo of him while still wearing a suit.

Donald Trump is trying as hard as possible not to get elected as the Republican presidential candidate, sources close to him have revealed.

Since continuing his tradition of running for president every four years as a way of distracting people from his ridiculous haircut, Trump has compared the average Mexican immigrant to a rapist in an 881-word speech and and made tasteless period jokes about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly just to remind people not to take him seriously. In spite of his efforts to sound as well-informed as his business decisions, opinion polls show that his lead has only been slightly dented.

The real estate heir and The Apprentice star has even put forward an overly simplistic flat tax proposal that will need unicorns shit enough dollars to make up for the shortfall in tax receipts, in a last-ditch attempt to convince people that this is not the person to be put in charge of the world’s largest economy and nuclear stockpile. However, Trump’s endeavours were doomed to fail from the start as this is the same country where people still refuse pay rises on the belief that moving into a higher tax bracket reduce their take-home pay.

Trump is currently working on a statement that will appeal to pro-lifers’ stance against women’s rights while maintaining the visceral horror of aborting fetuses.

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Millions of American gay couples now scrambling for excuses not to get married

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Following the US Supreme Court ruling to legalise gay marriage, same-sex couples across the country are now having to quickly make up new excuses for why they aren’t going to tie the knot in the near future. Until today, they could easily sidestep the question by shaking an angry fist at their oppressive government. Now that the USA has finally pulled ahead of the likes of China and Turkey in civil rights, American gay men and women will need to be more creative with their excuses, like claiming that deep down they are homophobes who couldn’t bring themselves to accept gay marriage, or that they’re trying to avoid all the mistakes their parents made.

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American Dream reduced to having food on the table every night

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With wage stagnation in the USA, Americans are increasingly grateful that they aren’t going hungry every night.

The American Dream is at an all-time low, a survey carried out by the New York Times has revealed.

Only 5% of people polled would agree with the statement that they have the opportunity to fulfil their highest aspirations in life. In contrast, 40% believe that it’s closer to going to bed with a full belly and not worrying about tomorrow’s meal. With Christmas around the corner, most of the participants felt like they have done pretty well in life if they have roast turkey with all the trimmings waiting for them on the 25th, and that’s not not even considering any presents they might receive.

In addition, 90% of that 40% also considered having a roof over their heads as part of the American Dream, and the treatment like a regular human being that comes with it.

 

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Police stumped as not a single dark-skinned person present during Washington Navy Yard shooting

Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department have admitted that they are completely stumped over the identity of the perpetrators of the shooting at Washington Navy Yard yesterday, as there wasn’t a single ethnic-looking person in sight.

The department’s Chief of Police, Cathy Lanier, said that ‘all their leads have drawn a blank’, and that the department ‘will be forced to consider the possibility that American citizens of European origin could have been behind this’. Initially, CCTV footage of the nearby area was run through government-issued skin tone recognition software ‘BlackTrack’. When this failed to reveal anyone darker than Christina Hendricks with sunburn, analysts turned to records of who signed in and out of the yard within the past 24 hours. Each name was traced all the way back to its immigrant ancestors. “When every one of them was pure European by blood, we drew a blank. There were a few Irish descendants, which would have helped out if this were the 1900’s. Since I’ve been here, we’ve never had to go beyond this stage before. Now we’re going to have to actually start bringing people in for questioning.”

 

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Obama-Putin summit: overview

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They also both agreed to a 100% increase in dietary fibre

A summary of the key points of the meeting:

  • They both agreed to up the stakes on their bet on who will emerge victorious in Syria, just to keep things interesting. Obama promised to give Alaska back if Putin wins, while Putin offered his timeshare in the Arctic Circle if Assad pulls it off.
  • Negotiations turned frosty after their discord over whose flag has more red, white and blue until they were both reminded that they have the biggest nuclear-penises in the world, followed by a smug nod of acknowledgement and high-fives.
  • An announcement of the plan to set up a direct hotline between the Whitehouse and the Kremlin, part of Obama’s assurance that Putin can get in touch with him whenever he has panic attacks over his recent divorce.
  • Putin also took the chance to congratulate Obama on the NSA, stating that “at least someone is still spying on America, even if it’s America itself.”
  • There were some disagreements: particularly over the legitimacy of photos where Putin is wrestling a bear that are circulating on the internet. Obama also accused him of being a “lightweight”, which Putin responded to by revealing that the large glass of water he’d been sipping at was in fact vodka.
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USA declares war on entropy

The world’s most powerful country has declared war on entropy this morning, stating that “not even the second law [of thermodynamics] will save it now”.

American scientists were reported to have had a good laugh after the watching the press conference, before the realisation sunk in that their country had genuinely extended their running streak of declaring war on abstract concepts. Many of those working closely with the military took time out from working on the “atom bomb of the 21st century” to advise the Department of Defense on their plan of attack. They have so far recommended treating entropy like an internet troll: responding (with weapons) will only serve to strengthen the enemy.

In his statement, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, told citizens that “everyone is in this war”, and that even regular folk can contribute to the fight. The Department of Defense has also issued a list of ways that civilians can fight entropy, available on its website. The tips include cutting down on physical activity, and reducing fuel and food consumption – putting America’s citizens in the dilemma of whether going to war is more American than guzzling petrol and donuts.

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Detainees tortured by being forced to use dial-up in Guantanamo Bay

A damning report from one of our undercover reporters has revealed that the United States government has authorised the use of excruciatingly slow download speeds in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.

Prisoners are locked in a comfortable room supplied with snacks, housing a computer (capable of running only Internet Explorer) that connects to the Internet via a 56kbit/s modem from the early 21st century, then left to let their own boredom overcome them as they proceed to check emails and browse social networking sites. In cases where effective, grunts of frustration and slams against the table can be heard within minutes of browsing as the subject resigns him/herself to seeing red crosses all over image-heavy websites. If this method is insufficient then interrogators will make a phone call timed to drop their connection just before finishing downloading a pornographic video, which has already resulted in one inmate hanging himself with a USB cable.

This report comes after discovering that communications hardware manufacturer Linksys received an order of 10,000 dial-up modems from an anonymous Cuban businessman two months ago, intially assumed to be a practical joke akin to a sending 50 pizzas to someone’s house. In an interview, Linksys refused to comment on why they had so much outdated hardware in the first place.

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