Category Archives: Politics

Tories worried they might have to beat a real Labour leader in 2020

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There are growing concerns among the Conservative Party that the 2020 general election may involve a real battle for 10 Downing St., a survey reveals.

Jeremy Corbyn’s recent surge in popularity among the public puts him as favourite to become the leader of Labour Party, which would see it depart from its previous model of electing people on the basis of not being a war criminal or being the best third-best choice. For the first time in a decade, Labour might actually be led by someone with strong public support.

As the only leader who offers a genuine alternative to 95% Blair-free Tory-Lite, the Conservatives may need to focus their election campaign on their policies, as opposed to scaring voters with the possibility of a United Kingdom that’s represented by its constituent countries. However, a comment by a senior Tory backbencher suggests that they are “always up for a bit of Scot-bashing”. However, he also mentioned that they are glad that a sure-fire leader has emerged so soon as this gives them extra time to dig up any dirt there might be on Corbyn.

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Osborne urges ‘stiff upper lip’ in face of spending cuts

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The austerity measures will affect everyone: for example, the Chancellor will be forced to get an even smaller briefcase.

George Osborne called for UK citizens to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of impending cuts to public spending, he announced this morning.

The Chancellor will be delivering the second budget this year in July, which is expected to helpfully fill everyone in on the details omitted in the run-up to the election, such as the £12 billion in cuts that has everyone shitting themselves so hard that their toilets could be mistaken for the Conservative manifesto.  The speech this morning was an attempt to allay some of those fears: “I know that it will be a difficult time for those who rely on disability benefits, the NHS and income support. Some of you may even find yourselves going to bed hungry on some nights. This is why I urge you all: no matter how loud your stomach rumbles, or how loudly your kids cry because they’re spending another night in the park, not to let it get to you. Keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, that’s what makes this country truly great, what being British is truly about.”

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Ed Balls: “I’m voting Lib Dem”

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Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls announced that he will be casting a ballot for the Liberal Democrats on Thursday, it was revealed this morning.

He spoke candidly to a old man while on the campaign trail in Leeds, who jokingly asked Balls who he planned to vote for in the upcoming election. “I was already sold on Labour and Ed Balls seemed like the type I could crack a joke with, so I asked him who he’s voting for. I, uh, didn’t expect such a detailed answer.” Balls then proceeded to explain his choice of the Lib Dems, mentioning his approval of their version of the mansion tax, lifting low-paid earners out of paying income tax and a digital Bill of Rights. He hastily added that his views on the last point were completely unrelated to his gaffe four years ago where he tweeted his own name.

The response came to the surprise of absolutely everyone, as being the right-hand man of the Labour Party he would at least thrown his support behind the Greens. However, some saw it refreshing for a politician to be so self-destructingly honest for once. After the incident, Balls’s aides bundled him into the campaign car and angrily reminded him which party he actually belonged to by pointing to their red ties.

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Nick Clegg ‘s phone battery “lost charge” during benefit bill Commons vote

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The NATO summit was held over 4-5 September in Newport and Cardiff.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was out of reach last week during the House of Commons vote to back the Affordable Homes bill due to a dead phone battery and lack of charger, it has been revealed.

The vote saw Labour and the Liberal Democrats defeat the Conservatives 306 to 231 to overcome the first hurdle of passing a bill that could help reverse some of the changes to benefits payments introduced during the Coalition’s premiership. Nick Clegg was not present as he was attending a NATO summit in Wales, and did not vote. As the Liberal Democrats began to give their ayes to the bill, David Cameron made several phone calls to Clegg in order to take his vote by proxy, which were met with Clegg’s voicemail as his mobile phone battery lost its charge half an hour before the bill was put to the House of Commons. Several text messages were also sent in a last-ditch attempt to reach him:

you around?? We’re putting some stupid bill to a vote and we could really do with your vote here mate

i get it, this your revenge for that whole tuition fee u-turn thing right? fine we’re even JUST GET ON THE PHONE PLEASE!!!!

if you don’t answer your phone in 5 minutes I swear I’ll get Nigel to challenge you to another TV debate

On his return to London, Clegg stated that he would have totally voted against the bill if he could, and sincerely regretted forgetting to bring a charger, or asking any of the leaders to borrow theirs during the summit.

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Ed Milliband denies that England is a country

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Following the assertion by Eric Pickles that England is a Christian country, and David Cameron’s claim that he’s “continuing Jesus’s work”,  the leader of the Labour Party has hit back denying that England is a Christian country, or a country at all.

“Eric Pickles does not represent the views of Labour – we by no means claim that England has Christian leanings of any sort. To say as such, I think, it deeply offensive to the many Muslims, atheists and other creeds to suggest so. Similarly, saying that England is a country is needlessly inflammatory and confining for anyone who has their own opinion of what England is. Personally I think England is a collection of city-states and fiefdoms united under a common language and crown, but you don’t hear me telling everyone else that’s what it is.”

When asked for Labour’s stance on the categorisation of the regions in the British Isles excepting the Republic of Ireland, Milliband refused to comment.

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Labour voters told: “It would be a terrible shame if something were to happen to Ed Milliband”

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A statement released by the Conservative party this morning revealed that they would express great sorrow in the event of the untimely yet completely accidental demise of Labour leader Ed Milliband.

“We offer our deepest condolences to anyone affected by the death of Bob Crow and Tony Benn, two great Labour statesmen who happened to die one very soon after the other this week. We would like to assure that the Labour party and particularly its voters that, should Ed Milliband fall to a brutal and unexpected death during this time of mourning, they will not be alone in their grief of losing so many esteemed members in such a short time. It would be not only a terrible shame if something happened to Ed Milliband, but a great surprise to all – man in his prime: one can only imagine the means required to bring down a healthy adult. In the face of such loss, we will stand united regardless of political stance, or which box we tick in the electoral booth.”

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Conservative party to turn lead into gold

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And we didn’t even have to delete the Internet to do it.

Following the Conservative party’s complete success in erasing all traces of their broken promises, which include a freeze on VAT rates and a pledge to keep Education Maintenance Allowance, David Cameron has given the go-ahead to a plan to transmute lead into gold.

The Prime Minister explained that the difficult part is over. “We’ve successfully removed any evidence that we pledged to keep universal child benefits. After that, coaxing the 10^27 or so protons to undergo electron capture to turn lead into gold is trivial.” As of yesterday, none of the ten pledges listed in this article can be found anywhere on the Internet, and especially not archived in the British Library.

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Government plan to reduce youth unemployment “nothing more than cold-blooded murder”

The coalition government’s latest in a long list of policies that do nothing but piss everyone off has been branded “cold-blooded murder” by critics – on the basis that it involves basically killing anyone under 25 who is claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) for more than 12 months.

David Cameron’s plan to tackle unemployment rates is two-fold: those who come off benefits for fear of their lives will no longer meet the official definition of unemployed, as they are no longer complaining about it by going to the post office every fortnight. Anyone who continues to claim after a year will receive a letter informing them of their imminent demise, followed by swift execution by a firing squad sent to their address of residence – also reducing the number of unemployed. Secondly, it is hoped that the existential threat presented to young people will give them that extra incentive needed to find a job during the recession, even if it means stealing them from better-employed age groups, where the loss of jobs would be more readily overlooked.

“Pay or slay” – as opponents are calling it – has the additional benefit of reducing the burden of welfare claimants on taxpayers, as everyone will be off JSA within a year, one way or another. Part of the budget surplus generated will go towards firearms and trained personnel required for the executions, as well as leaflets on how to cope with bereavement. Suggestions to bill families to recuperate costs were thrown out as “this isn’t China, even if we are killing our own citizens”.

The United Nations has condemned the new policy, stating that “cracking down on the [UK’s] violation of human rights is next on our list of things to do, just as soon as we get North Korea to disarm”. Cameron breathed a sigh of relief at a press conference this morning: “Finally, I can stop trying to work out how to create more jobs for these lazy fuckers”.

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