Category Archives: UK

Tories worried they might have to beat a real Labour leader in 2020

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There are growing concerns among the Conservative Party that the 2020 general election may involve a real battle for 10 Downing St., a survey reveals.

Jeremy Corbyn’s recent surge in popularity among the public puts him as favourite to become the leader of Labour Party, which would see it depart from its previous model of electing people on the basis of not being a war criminal or being the best third-best choice. For the first time in a decade, Labour might actually be led by someone with strong public support.

As the only leader who offers a genuine alternative to 95% Blair-free Tory-Lite, the Conservatives may need to focus their election campaign on their policies, as opposed to scaring voters with the possibility of a United Kingdom that’s represented by its constituent countries. However, a comment by a senior Tory backbencher suggests that they are “always up for a bit of Scot-bashing”. However, he also mentioned that they are glad that a sure-fire leader has emerged so soon as this gives them extra time to dig up any dirt there might be on Corbyn.

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The guy who pushed us into the EU literally a child molester, say UKIP

Affable bloke simulation Nigel Farage was quick to remind everyone on Twitter this morning that same Edward Heath who’s suspected of involvement in child abuse also oversaw the UK’s entry into the European Union, or the European Economic Community as it was known back then.

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Vue to label cinemas as quiet zones to stop people from using their phones

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Vue Cinema will be trialling fluorescent “Quiet Zone” labels in cinema screens at Stratford Westfield in an attempt to deter people from using their phones during film screenings.

Mobile phone usage at the cinema continues to be a problem, which which flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that you would not waste an experience you’ve literally paid time and money for by spending it making a phone call. The venue is therefore trying out the signs after seeing their unparalleled success on British rail networks in keeping people from using loud electronic devices, which is all the more unbelievable considering face-to-face conversations between two commuters about whether they prefer a fixed rate or variable mortgage is just fucking irritating.

The manager at Stratford explained the effectiveness of it on the trains. “If you stabbed a guy on a train into London and it was in a Quiet Zone, nobody would give a shit until the victim called 999. Within *seconds* some grumpy middle-aged cunt will see it as their civic duty to firmly remind them to take their call to the next carriage. If the sign can get Londoners to break their stoic indifference towards fellow passengers almost instantly, it should work in the cinema too.”

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Thousands of immigrants reject being refused entry into UK

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Immigrants coming from outside the European Union are unanimously rejecting refusals to be granted visas to enter the UK, it has been revealed.

Despite promises by personnel at customs checkpoints that any immigrants will not be allowed into the country who do not meet the required criteria, they are finding themselves powerless but to accept waves of people who have travelled from as far as East Africa or Central Asia.

It appears that the immigrants have taken a leaf out of Nigel Farage’s book, who earlier announced that his resignation as leader of UKIP was rejected by its party members, and as such will begrudgingly return for another round of pints and frog impersonations.

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Sex offender’s register could be replaced with white list

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Demon Headmaster lookalike Theresa May has expressed support for replacing the current sex offender’s register with a white list of non-offenders, which would consequently initially exclude everyone ever involved with the BBC.

This comes after ‘Dr. Fox’ Neil Fox (whose doctorate is now presumed to be in gynaecology) was charged with nine counts of sexual assault, officially breaking the Beeb’s monopoly on celebrity paedophiles and sex pests.

According to one of May’s advisors, the sex offenders register is starting to look so bloated that in the near future that it might take less effort to maintain a list of people who haven’t fucked a 14-year-old or a 21-year-old who can lie to the press. “The current register was designed for a traditional British society where sexual misconduct was kept on the down low and as a result only have to deal with the odd few trickling in. It was never supposed to handle the full-blown tsunami of kiddy fiddling on our hands – for the first time ever last week we had to upgrade our servers to store all the new names added in the past year.”

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UK prime minister wants backdoors into Creme Egg recipes or he’ll ban them

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A Creme Egg consists of fondant encrypted in layers of chocolate and coloured foil.

David Cameron is threatening to ban Cadbury’s Creme Eggs unless the UK government gets access to the recipe for its chocolate.

Cameron’s statement comes after Cadbury’s confirmed that it would be changing the recipe for the chocolate used in the shell of Creme Egg, which sparked outrage among the British public who are presumably concerned that they might be trying to sneak some gluten or genetically modified gluten into it.

“The recent departure from the Dairy Milk recipe used in Creme Eggs demonstrated the threat to our enjoyment of Easter or whenever the hell they get sold, and the need for robust powers maintain its creamy goodness.”

Under the proposal, Cadbury’s would be faced with giving up its trade secrets in order to continue doing business in the UK. This would not only set a dangerous precedent that could go as far as the government demanding the formulas for Coca Cola and Pimms, but this violation of secrecy could even be extended to individuals and their right to have their text messages being read without some government employee nosing through them.

If Cadbury’s stick to their guns British consumers may be faced with the prospect of buying inferior Galaxy Caramel eggs this Easter.

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Richard Madeley discovered being behind Twitter trolls

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The face that once greeted the unemployed every morning has been discovered to be behind the Twitter accounts calling for the rape of his daughter, following an investigation by the police.

Data from Twitter revealed that 15 of the accounts responsible for sending the inflammatory tweets were all registered within two hours of each other on 15 October, and by the same IP address that can be pinpointed to Hampstead, London, where Madeley lives. However, many of the twitter trolls are believed to legitimate accounts, and are suspected to have simply joined in on action.

Friends close to Madeley shed light on his motivation for the attack, revealing that he was “incredibly annoyed” by his wife’s comments but didn’t have the energy to call her out over it directly. He also had a fair few to drink that night, which brought out the spitefulness in him – “As a father, Richard knew that the worst thing you can do is to threaten someone’s child.” They also claim that Madeley has since learnt his lesson, and in future will use a proxy or TOR to hide his identity on the internet.

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South West trains to offer working class seating

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The current rolling stock will be outfitted with handlebars on the outside to allow up to 50 passengers to travel on the outside of each carriage.

Rail operator South West Trains is to introduce new “working class” tickets from 2017, as part of a drive to provide more affordable travel at the cost of comfort and dignity.

From January 2017, passengers will have the option of buying discounted peak, off-peak and season tickets that will allow them to cling to the side of the train. For the weak, elderly and otherwise unable to hold on to a metal tube flying at 100km/h for an hour, there is the option of lying prone inside the carriage for the same price. To discourage buying a cheaper fare and having the privilege of sitting down, South West will issue a £100 fine to any working class ticket holders found sitting down or looking like they aren’t completely humiliated, or if they are caught clinging to the first class carriage. A spokesperson for South West justified the latter fine: “It would ruin the experience for our First Class customers if they had to endure hearing the screams of passengers falling to their death after losing their grip.”

The new pricing system has been well-received: Southern praised its quasi-competitor South West for being an industry leader for offering not only cheaper fares, but also a way to increase the capacity of the current rolling stock. “All this time we’ve been thinking of how to pack more people inside the trains or get more of them. Not once did we consider hanging them on the outside like a student’s wardrobe. Genius.”

However, the move comes as a complete surprise to many, as it appears to contradict the rail company’s business model of shuttling rich shits around the south of England.

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Westminster willing to give up oil rights to keep Union Jack if Scotland votes for independence

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The proposed revision of the Union Jack has been variously described as “revenge for Margaret Thatcher” and “the vexillological equivalent of wearing shoes without socks.”

As the referendum for Scottish independence this Thursday approaches, Westminster has announced it will relinquish all claims to North Sea oil if they could just keep the blue background on the Union Jack.

Currently, the United Kingdom’s flag is a composite of those of its constituent countries – minus Wales, a decision that was as much about fucking over the Welsh as it is for the aesthetic reason of keeping a dragon off what is actually a decent design. If Scotland leaves the Union it will likely take the flag of St. Andrews with it, leaving the Union Jack without any blue (pictured). In response to this prospect the government in London has stated that it will “strongly consider” giving up any claims to oil in the North Sea in return for keeping the flag as it is. A spokesperson said: “We are willing to make concessions just as long we don’t get stuck with such an ugly flag. It looks like someone tried to print a real one out but ran out of ink half way.”

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