It’s only a matter of time before he gets arrested for opening boxes of a different kind.
Following last year’s revelations of Jimmy Savile, along with countless other old men in the media industry thanks to Operation Yewtree, Noel Edmonds has admitted to being ‘worried’ that sexual abuse allegations will soon find their way to his doorstep.
The presenter of risk-reward strategy gameshow ‘Deal or No Deal’ was initially a bit worried when Jimmy Savile’s child-fucking past came to light, but thought little of it. “The police were kicking themselves when they found out. I mean, he was an unusually creepy guy so it was no surprise at all. And when they arrested Gary Glitter – again, big deal, he’d been already caught outsourcing getting his glam rocks off to Thailand.”
Rolf Harris’s arrest earlier this month for multiple counts of indecent assault and making indecent pictures of children (presumably in watercolour) has given Edmonds more reason for concern. “Rolf Harris a lot further down the scale of creepiness than Savile ever was – he registers at just ‘has facial hair, is loveably weird’. Once you factor in my relationship with Mr. Blobby, I’m pretty much at that level. I was kind of hoping that I’d be dead and gone by the time it all came out, but that’s looking as unlikely as pubic hair on Max Clifford’s old girlfriends.”
Edmonds has bought a thesaurus to learn adverbs to accompany the word ‘deny’, and is considering shaving his beard in attempt to buy more time, but many are unsure of whether a beardless Noel Edmonds is scarier than one who molests children.