Tag Archives: economy

American Dream reduced to having food on the table every night


With wage stagnation in the USA, Americans are increasingly grateful that they aren’t going hungry every night.

The American Dream is at an all-time low, a survey carried out by the New York Times has revealed.

Only 5% of people polled would agree with the statement that they have the opportunity to fulfil their highest aspirations in life. In contrast, 40% believe that it’s closer to going to bed with a full belly and not worrying about tomorrow’s meal. With Christmas around the corner, most of the participants felt like they have done pretty well in life if they have roast turkey with all the trimmings waiting for them on the 25th, and that’s not not even considering any presents they might receive.

In addition, 90% of that 40% also considered having a roof over their heads as part of the American Dream, and the treatment like a regular human being that comes with it.


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British Gas recommends mugging Russians to balance price hikes


British Gas is recommending that its customers seek to meet the difference in their energy bills by forcibly claiming it back from the numerous Russian immigrants in London: “You want to blame someone? Go blame Russia for hiking their gas prices. With all the hate everyone harbours for Polish and Bulgarian immigrants here, why not channel some of that into their fellow Slavic neighbours? It’s not like half of you would even be able to tell the difference if you didn’t know their postcodes.”

The capital has seen an influx of immigrant wealthy Russians over recent years, presumably because the miserable weather and ridiculous house prices makes them feel right at home. British Gas pointed out that anyone who feels guilty about committing physical assault in order to save some money should remember that as citizens of a country where the only thing scarier than its weather is its nuclear capabilities, they are affected far less by the gas prices. Their general wealthiness will also minimise any financial impact of losing the couple hundred pounds and their genuine Gucci wallets. Any die-hard pacifists are advised to print out pictures of gas flames and huddle around them in the hopes that the placebo effect will stave off frostbite.

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Market rout sees US Dollar drop to record low against the bitcoin


The US Dollar can’t be backed up and is susceptible to fire attacks and counterfeiting, making it a risky choice for investment.

Last Thursday saw the USD lead on losses all across the currency market, dropping to as low as 0.003BTC before recovering to about 0.006BTC in the afternoon.

The greenback has been struggling over the past year, touching lows of 0.03BTC before trading again at roughly parity with the bitcoin for the rest of 2012. However, 2013 has seen it steadily drop in value before being seemingly abandoned altogether as investors flocked back to the bitcoin, whose immunity from government intervention has proven seductive, even in light of the cryptocurrency being susceptible to hackers and technological illiteracy.

Analysts have blamed the plunge on a multitude of factors including the Fed’s decision to keep printing money to provide enough toilet paper to wipe the massive skid mark bankers left on the economy in 2008.

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Government plan to reduce youth unemployment “nothing more than cold-blooded murder”

The coalition government’s latest in a long list of policies that do nothing but piss everyone off has been branded “cold-blooded murder” by critics – on the basis that it involves basically killing anyone under 25 who is claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) for more than 12 months.

David Cameron’s plan to tackle unemployment rates is two-fold: those who come off benefits for fear of their lives will no longer meet the official definition of unemployed, as they are no longer complaining about it by going to the post office every fortnight. Anyone who continues to claim after a year will receive a letter informing them of their imminent demise, followed by swift execution by a firing squad sent to their address of residence – also reducing the number of unemployed. Secondly, it is hoped that the existential threat presented to young people will give them that extra incentive needed to find a job during the recession, even if it means stealing them from better-employed age groups, where the loss of jobs would be more readily overlooked.

“Pay or slay” – as opponents are calling it – has the additional benefit of reducing the burden of welfare claimants on taxpayers, as everyone will be off JSA within a year, one way or another. Part of the budget surplus generated will go towards firearms and trained personnel required for the executions, as well as leaflets on how to cope with bereavement. Suggestions to bill families to recuperate costs were thrown out as “this isn’t China, even if we are killing our own citizens”.

The United Nations has condemned the new policy, stating that “cracking down on the [UK’s] violation of human rights is next on our list of things to do, just as soon as we get North Korea to disarm”. Cameron breathed a sigh of relief at a press conference this morning: “Finally, I can stop trying to work out how to create more jobs for these lazy fuckers”.

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