The coalition government’s latest in a long list of policies that do nothing but piss everyone off has been branded “cold-blooded murder” by critics – on the basis that it involves basically killing anyone under 25 who is claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) for more than 12 months.
David Cameron’s plan to tackle unemployment rates is two-fold: those who come off benefits for fear of their lives will no longer meet the official definition of unemployed, as they are no longer complaining about it by going to the post office every fortnight. Anyone who continues to claim after a year will receive a letter informing them of their imminent demise, followed by swift execution by a firing squad sent to their address of residence – also reducing the number of unemployed. Secondly, it is hoped that the existential threat presented to young people will give them that extra incentive needed to find a job during the recession, even if it means stealing them from better-employed age groups, where the loss of jobs would be more readily overlooked.
“Pay or slay” – as opponents are calling it – has the additional benefit of reducing the burden of welfare claimants on taxpayers, as everyone will be off JSA within a year, one way or another. Part of the budget surplus generated will go towards firearms and trained personnel required for the executions, as well as leaflets on how to cope with bereavement. Suggestions to bill families to recuperate costs were thrown out as “this isn’t China, even if we are killing our own citizens”.
The United Nations has condemned the new policy, stating that “cracking down on the [UK’s] violation of human rights is next on our list of things to do, just as soon as we get North Korea to disarm”. Cameron breathed a sigh of relief at a press conference this morning: “Finally, I can stop trying to work out how to create more jobs for these lazy fuckers”.