Tag Archives: England

England fan has no secondary nationality to fall back on

A disappointed but unsurprised football fan today felt cheated by having purely Anglo-Saxon ancestry when England exited the World Cup with a game in hand, as it leaves him with no backup country to have a claim to reasonably support.

“I’m pure-bred English, my bloodline can be traced all the way back to 5th-century Anglo-Saxons. Now if one of them fucked a Norman I could’ve at least had a shot at supporting France, which aren’t doing too badly at the moment. It’s bloody embarrassing, Aaron is half Dutch and Dave’s like a sixteenth German. And Rakesh’s country isn’t even in the World Cup, so he basically gets a blank cheque to support whichever team he wants. I just wish England were either too shit to kick a ball straight, or got their act together and made an impact in an international tournament, rather than consistently fucking up in the most anticlimactic way. I mean, they didn’t even get disqualified until they were off the pitch. It’s like watching 11 Tim Henman clones play football.”

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Ed Milliband denies that England is a country

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Following the assertion by Eric Pickles that England is a Christian country, and David Cameron’s claim that he’s “continuing Jesus’s work”,  the leader of the Labour Party has hit back denying that England is a Christian country, or a country at all.

“Eric Pickles does not represent the views of Labour – we by no means claim that England has Christian leanings of any sort. To say as such, I think, it deeply offensive to the many Muslims, atheists and other creeds to suggest so. Similarly, saying that England is a country is needlessly inflammatory and confining for anyone who has their own opinion of what England is. Personally I think England is a collection of city-states and fiefdoms united under a common language and crown, but you don’t hear me telling everyone else that’s what it is.”

When asked for Labour’s stance on the categorisation of the regions in the British Isles excepting the Republic of Ireland, Milliband refused to comment.

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