Tag Archives: immigration

Syrian government to impose quota on UK immigrants

The latest surge in westerners coming into the country and fucking everything up is the greatest Syria has seen since the end of the Second World War.

The Syrian government will limit the number of migrants from the UK o 10,000 from the start of next year, sources close to the president say.

The policy, which has been condemned by the USA as a ‘blatant move to restrict movement of the West in the Middle East’, is a response to the increasing problem of British citizens who come to the country looking to join ISIS or any other terrorist organisation that might be in the area. This comes after Turkey’s refusal to tighten border controls at the Bulgarian border, the last stop in the European Union before entering the Middle East. From here, swathes of dentists, lawyers and engineers make their way into Turkey and beyond after a gruelling three-hour Easyjet flight from London to Sofia.

Syria has seen a spike in British immigration in the past couple years, following the opportunities in terrorism and murder that opened up with the emergence of ISIS. However, reports show there are now a record 20 applicants for every place in the country’s numerous training camps.

“We’re over-subscribed.” says Abu bin-Walid, bomb instructor at a training camp in the outskirts of Damascus. “At first it was great, plenty of new recruits to spread the word of Allah and/or their guts all over the place. But now I can’t sort through candidates quickly enough. This morning I had to turn away an accountant who threatened to blow someone up if he didn’t get in. I told him if he did to tell me where he got his explosives from, because I’ve run out trying to equip my men, I’ve got so many of them.”

The influx of middle-class dickheads looking to leave behind a life of relative comfort in an industralised country has resulted in a chronic shortage of terrorism opportunities, taking away the one outlet that young, disenfranchised Syrian men have. “After meddling in this region’s politics, killing its people and exploiting its natural resources, they’ve come and taken the only thing they have left.”

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Thousands of immigrants reject being refused entry into UK

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Immigrants coming from outside the European Union are unanimously rejecting refusals to be granted visas to enter the UK, it has been revealed.

Despite promises by personnel at customs checkpoints that any immigrants will not be allowed into the country who do not meet the required criteria, they are finding themselves powerless but to accept waves of people who have travelled from as far as East Africa or Central Asia.

It appears that the immigrants have taken a leaf out of Nigel Farage’s book, who earlier announced that his resignation as leader of UKIP was rejected by its party members, and as such will begrudgingly return for another round of pints and frog impersonations.

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British Gas recommends mugging Russians to balance price hikes

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British Gas is recommending that its customers seek to meet the difference in their energy bills by forcibly claiming it back from the numerous Russian immigrants in London: “You want to blame someone? Go blame Russia for hiking their gas prices. With all the hate everyone harbours for Polish and Bulgarian immigrants here, why not channel some of that into their fellow Slavic neighbours? It’s not like half of you would even be able to tell the difference if you didn’t know their postcodes.”

The capital has seen an influx of immigrant wealthy Russians over recent years, presumably because the miserable weather and ridiculous house prices makes them feel right at home. British Gas pointed out that anyone who feels guilty about committing physical assault in order to save some money should remember that as citizens of a country where the only thing scarier than its weather is its nuclear capabilities, they are affected far less by the gas prices. Their general wealthiness will also minimise any financial impact of losing the couple hundred pounds and their genuine Gucci wallets. Any die-hard pacifists are advised to print out pictures of gas flames and huddle around them in the hopes that the placebo effect will stave off frostbite.

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