Tag Archives: media

Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun

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The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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Madeleine McCann’s parents offering £40,000 to informants to shut up

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Following the Metropolitan Police’s reward of £20,000 to anyone with information leading to the arrest of Madeleine McCann, the parents of Portugal’s most wanted 10-year-old have provided a counter-offer to anyone with such information to keep it to themselves.

The recent fresh appeal to the public for information received such a positive response that Kate and Gerry McCann are now worrying that they might be approaching closure on the incident, and offered £30,000 to anyone who had any conclusive information. The offer was then raised to £40,000 after a man claimed to be one of the kidnappers but then got arrested for perjury because he wasn’t, and was just sick and tired of reading it in the news. When Kate was asked about her motivation behind offer, she gave this emotional response: “The media frenzy surrounding the kidnapping has, in a weird way, come to replace Maddy in our hearts in her absence. To think this might actually end is unthinkable.”

Many have criticised the move by the couple from Leicestershire, pointing out that it will encourage people to monetise the kidnapping of an innocent child, and more importantly be a huge financial drain as there is little stopping anyone from coming forward with bogus information. Kate responded by saying: “It’s a loss-leader. I’ll make it all back with a few book and movie deals.”

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Young adults sick of being reminded that they’ll never afford a house

“We get it, we’re going to be a landlord’s bitch until we die, or our parents do”

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Death of unpopular kid goes unreported by media

A 15-year-old boy murdered by a gang of bullies in Ilford, Essex, has gone completely unnoticed outside the immediate community as major news outlets failed to report it at all, since the child wasn’t liked much by his peers or particularly bright.

Bringing the story to press was initially made difficult by the failure of his parents in producing a photo of the boy where he is smiling, who has been described as “heinously un-photogenic” by his English teacher. But when the victim’s poor academic credentials and perception as a bit of a loner came to light the story was deemed entirely unworthy of the news. In an interview the Daily Telegraph remarked that it was “a shame he was the victim – he would’ve made a great murderer.”

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