Tag Archives: politics

Donald Trump trying his hardest to be taken as a joke in US primaries

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Trump hired a photographer to take the worst possible photo of him while still wearing a suit.

Donald Trump is trying as hard as possible not to get elected as the Republican presidential candidate, sources close to him have revealed.

Since continuing his tradition of running for president every four years as a way of distracting people from his ridiculous haircut, Trump has compared the average Mexican immigrant to a rapist in an 881-word speech and and made tasteless period jokes about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly just to remind people not to take him seriously. In spite of his efforts to sound as well-informed as his business decisions, opinion polls show that his lead has only been slightly dented.

The real estate heir and The Apprentice star has even put forward an overly simplistic flat tax proposal that will need unicorns shit enough dollars to make up for the shortfall in tax receipts, in a last-ditch attempt to convince people that this is not the person to be put in charge of the world’s largest economy and nuclear stockpile. However, Trump’s endeavours were doomed to fail from the start as this is the same country where people still refuse pay rises on the belief that moving into a higher tax bracket reduce their take-home pay.

Trump is currently working on a statement that will appeal to pro-lifers’ stance against women’s rights while maintaining the visceral horror of aborting fetuses.

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Osborne urges ‘stiff upper lip’ in face of spending cuts

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The austerity measures will affect everyone: for example, the Chancellor will be forced to get an even smaller briefcase.

George Osborne called for UK citizens to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of impending cuts to public spending, he announced this morning.

The Chancellor will be delivering the second budget this year in July, which is expected to helpfully fill everyone in on the details omitted in the run-up to the election, such as the £12 billion in cuts that has everyone shitting themselves so hard that their toilets could be mistaken for the Conservative manifesto.  The speech this morning was an attempt to allay some of those fears: “I know that it will be a difficult time for those who rely on disability benefits, the NHS and income support. Some of you may even find yourselves going to bed hungry on some nights. This is why I urge you all: no matter how loud your stomach rumbles, or how loudly your kids cry because they’re spending another night in the park, not to let it get to you. Keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, that’s what makes this country truly great, what being British is truly about.”

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Nigel Farage bets he could eat three shredded wheat

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UKIP bossman Nigel Farage has hit out against David Cameron after his shredded wheat analogy to explain that he won’t serve a third term. He said this morning: “A real politician is so busy he needs the energy of at least three shredded wheat to keep him going until lunch.”

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Labour voters told: “It would be a terrible shame if something were to happen to Ed Milliband”

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A statement released by the Conservative party this morning revealed that they would express great sorrow in the event of the untimely yet completely accidental demise of Labour leader Ed Milliband.

“We offer our deepest condolences to anyone affected by the death of Bob Crow and Tony Benn, two great Labour statesmen who happened to die one very soon after the other this week. We would like to assure that the Labour party and particularly its voters that, should Ed Milliband fall to a brutal and unexpected death during this time of mourning, they will not be alone in their grief of losing so many esteemed members in such a short time. It would be not only a terrible shame if something happened to Ed Milliband, but a great surprise to all – man in his prime: one can only imagine the means required to bring down a healthy adult. In the face of such loss, we will stand united regardless of political stance, or which box we tick in the electoral booth.”

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Benefits Street succeeds in sending area man’s political compass askew

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“On one hand, it’s highlighting the plight of those on welfare – but on the other hand it’s doing so by painting them as obnoxious human beings. But they’re not, because they cook meals and look out for each other. But then they’re hostile to those Romanians, who are obviously good guys because they were repeatedly quoted saying that they wouldn’t steal and just want to work. I have no idea whether the show is left- or right-leaning, or what I even think about this show. Am I left or right wing now? I feel like I’ve moved onto the y axis of the political spectrum.”

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Obama-Putin summit: overview

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They also both agreed to a 100% increase in dietary fibre

A summary of the key points of the meeting:

  • They both agreed to up the stakes on their bet on who will emerge victorious in Syria, just to keep things interesting. Obama promised to give Alaska back if Putin wins, while Putin offered his timeshare in the Arctic Circle if Assad pulls it off.
  • Negotiations turned frosty after their discord over whose flag has more red, white and blue until they were both reminded that they have the biggest nuclear-penises in the world, followed by a smug nod of acknowledgement and high-fives.
  • An announcement of the plan to set up a direct hotline between the Whitehouse and the Kremlin, part of Obama’s assurance that Putin can get in touch with him whenever he has panic attacks over his recent divorce.
  • Putin also took the chance to congratulate Obama on the NSA, stating that “at least someone is still spying on America, even if it’s America itself.”
  • There were some disagreements: particularly over the legitimacy of photos where Putin is wrestling a bear that are circulating on the internet. Obama also accused him of being a “lightweight”, which Putin responded to by revealing that the large glass of water he’d been sipping at was in fact vodka.
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North Korea reports complete destruction of South Korea, Japan and USA

Media outlets in Pyongyang are reporting the “complete and utter destruction” of South Korea, Japan and parts of the USA after they refused to heed their threats that any interference with their missile tests, or any military action at all, would be met with a swift response from the fist of mighty Kim Il-Sung.

The country’s populace are preparing to celebrate their victory over their foes, anticipating a nationwide feast now there are no enemies to ruin their harvests. North Korea’s UN ambassador made his country’s message clear: “We could not tolerate the aggression of the USA and its allies any longer, nor claims by its media that our threats were empty. Now the only things that are empty are the streets of Seoul and Tokyo. Let this be a warning to anyone who dares to underestimate North Korea, henceforth known as just Korea.”

The deployment of nuclear missiles is the culmination of months of mounting tensions and escalating threats from both sides, apart from Japan which was too busy trying to deal with China to worry about North Korea. A spokesperson for Japan described the blasé attitude of his country in the face of annihilation:  “A couple nukes aren’t enough to scare us any more – the surprise factor kind of wears off after the second time. And we’re practically immune to fallout now.”

 

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