The system will comprise of two components. State-of-the-art gaydar stations that will be able to detect incoming gay missiles (and regular ones painted in fabulous colours), homosexual weapon payloads and gay-sympathising soldiers coming from Eastern Europe. Once the target has been acquired, batteries of grey kilowatt lasers will be fired to destroy it, or at least make it less gay before impacting Russia. The system, whose construction begins late 2014, will cost Russia an estimated $50 billion over the next five years, though this will be offset by the boost to the economy that a booming population will bring, thanks to the increase in heterosexual sex.
Despite the obvious benefits to Russia of the array to defend it from the omnipresent threat that gay missiles and activists pose, many are concerned that it may be used against them if hijacked, as its detection capabilities could be used by the enemy to seek out and have hook up with other hot single males in the area.
The story, that the Lawrence family is another group of people added to the 60 million or so others that are already being spied on in the UK, has somehow made it to the first page of BBC news and other reputable news outlets. This comes despite the media frenzy surrounding the unfolding conflict between Ukraine and Russia, which has created a news environment hostile to pretty much any other news story. Peter Whitfield, media health scientist for the BBC, is worried by the story’s ‘exceptional virulence’.
“Since the first outbreak of the story in 1993 we’ve been trying to contain it, but its racially charged nature and highlighting of corruption amongst the police force in the UK. Since then we’ve had terrorist attacks, a disease you get from beef that has a 100% mortality rate, even more political corruption, worldwide economic meltdown, and these things did keep Stephen Lawrence’s murder at bay – for a while. The threat of Russia invading Ukraine has the potential to trigger World War III: there is no bigger story we can possibly throw at this thing to thwart it, yet it’s already spread to the front pages of every major newspaper in this country. We may have to live with the fact that newspapers will never completely stop mentioning Stephen Lawrence.”
Multiple outlets are confirming a chemical attack in Damascus, killing an estimated 1429 people.
Assad had this to say: “I don’t normally use chemical agents in war seeing how it’s a violation of human rights, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and get invaded for something we didn’t do – I’m not becoming another cliché. So fuck it, I might as well. I was initially going to crack out the barrels of Sarin gas for a special occasion like my birthday, but hey ho, plans change. I don’t even have a choice in the matter: it’s not like I can bring the stuff with me when I high-tail it out of here when the troops arrive – ever since 9/11 it’s become an absolute pain trying to bring 50 tonnes of nerve agent on a plane. And if I leave them lying around some poor sod is going to open one and get themselves gassed, so it’s better that I use it up and get it out of the way before someone gets hurt.”
Obama’s administration has received praise from the world community for their swift reaction to the attacks. “It breaks the fundamental laws of physics to respond to something *before* it happens. It just goes to show how committed the USA is to ensuring the safety of Syrian civilians. They’re out there saving the world while the rest of us are too tangled in the red tape of general relativity to get anything done.” Russia was alone in condemning the military action, claiming that the several independent mass spectrometry tests of air samples confirming the deployment of Sarin were inconclusive. “Our test results show that the toxic gas detected was not due to chemical weapons, but merely the result of someone eating a dodgy falafel.”
A summary of the key points of the meeting: