Tag Archives: satire

UK Government to impose quotas on immigrants infected with Ebola

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Year-long fast for homeless man continues

A devout but homeless Muslim continues to fast, even as Eid-ul-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan.

Muslims across the world have abstained from food and water during daylight hours for the holy month of Ramadan, with three-day celebrations of Eid at the end by stuffing their faces with an entire month’s worth of calories. However, Mohammed, from the street corner opposite Sainsburys, plans to continue fasting.

“If it’s holy to fast during Ramadan, it’s doubly so for the rest of the year when I don’t have the comforting thought of everyone else doing it at the same time. You could say I’m doing it because of my unshakeable faith in Allah, sure. It could also be because I’m trying to lose weight, detox from eating unhealthy foods, and understand the plight of those who have very little to eat – take your pick.”

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England fan has no secondary nationality to fall back on

A disappointed but unsurprised football fan today felt cheated by having purely Anglo-Saxon ancestry when England exited the World Cup with a game in hand, as it leaves him with no backup country to have a claim to reasonably support.

“I’m pure-bred English, my bloodline can be traced all the way back to 5th-century Anglo-Saxons. Now if one of them fucked a Norman I could’ve at least had a shot at supporting France, which aren’t doing too badly at the moment. It’s bloody embarrassing, Aaron is half Dutch and Dave’s like a sixteenth German. And Rakesh’s country isn’t even in the World Cup, so he basically gets a blank cheque to support whichever team he wants. I just wish England were either too shit to kick a ball straight, or got their act together and made an impact in an international tournament, rather than consistently fucking up in the most anticlimactic way. I mean, they didn’t even get disqualified until they were off the pitch. It’s like watching 11 Tim Henman clones play football.”

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Nigel Farage wants to divorce his wife but also to keep having sex with her

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“Being in a marriage is not only a drain on my wallet but also removes my executive control of major decisions. And what do I get in return? Sex maybe twice a week and someone to cuddle every now and again – things I can get without being tied down to a union with another person. I look towards a couple of my friends as examples, who have a “friends with benefits” arrangement without the hassle of emotional or financial attachment. I think that’s a relationship model that I should personally strive for.”

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Jeremy Clarkson urges people not to watch Top Gear at full volume

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After being given a “final warning” by the BBC for saying the racial slur “nigger” on national television – immediate dismissal if he says anything offensive – long time presenter of Top Gear and eurosceptic Jeremy Clarkson has urged, for the sake of his career, that everyone watches his show with the volume turned down a bit.

In response to the BBC’s statement, Jeremy Clarkson asked everyone to show a bit of consideration by watching Top Gear as quietly as possible in order to avoid anyone potentially hearing anything else that’s discriminatory or racist that he mutters under his breath.  He added: “Ideally, you’d be watching Top Gear on mute: why should you even be paying attention to what we’re saying when the show is all about the cars? If you wanted to hear the banter of three middle-aged men who aren’t really that funny you can go to the pub.” The appeal came after Jeremy Clarkson’s realisation that his entire career revolves around being slightly offensive, and that the BBC will otherwise probably find at least five reasons to fire him in the next shooting of the show.

He also recommends the same for his apology video, because if you listen very carefully with the volume turned up high, you can hear his feet furiously backpedalling.

 

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Pope: “It’s a fucking sausage fest in here”

“It’s worse than going to Imperial College”

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Pope Francis expressed his views on the current sex ratio of the Vatican in a sermon this morning, it has been revealed.

“When I signed up for this gig I was told that there would be a minimum of one woman for every three men. It’s been a year now and the closest I’ve seen to a pair of X chromosomes in the Vatican is an effeminate eunuch who we let in here to sing in the choir. It’s a fucking sausage fest in here – I know Italy is known for its meat products but this is ridiculous. I’m the head poncho here and even I’m starting to feel the blue balls, despite having a full plate of meetings, orphanage openings and good will to spread. I can’t imagine what toll it’s taking on the other priests. The other day I swear I saw one of them eye up one of the altar boys – I just think: “What kind of messed up system do we have where men are denied their natural urges only to force them to bum a six-year-old?”

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65% of journalists admit to winging it when it comes to splitting their articles into paragraphs

 

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“I dunno, you just lump together related sentences and hope for the best, really. And when it comes to judging the right length, I just ask myself I could be arsed to read the paragraph, and if the answer is no I split it in two. Repeat until I can go through my entire article without having to check Facebook or Reddit in between. I’ve been doing ever since I forgot at university what I learned in primary school on using paragraphs, and nobody’s called me out on it yet.”

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