Tag Archives: syria

Syrian government to impose quota on UK immigrants

The latest surge in westerners coming into the country and fucking everything up is the greatest Syria has seen since the end of the Second World War.

The Syrian government will limit the number of migrants from the UK o 10,000 from the start of next year, sources close to the president say.

The policy, which has been condemned by the USA as a ‘blatant move to restrict movement of the West in the Middle East’, is a response to the increasing problem of British citizens who come to the country looking to join ISIS or any other terrorist organisation that might be in the area. This comes after Turkey’s refusal to tighten border controls at the Bulgarian border, the last stop in the European Union before entering the Middle East. From here, swathes of dentists, lawyers and engineers make their way into Turkey and beyond after a gruelling three-hour Easyjet flight from London to Sofia.

Syria has seen a spike in British immigration in the past couple years, following the opportunities in terrorism and murder that opened up with the emergence of ISIS. However, reports show there are now a record 20 applicants for every place in the country’s numerous training camps.

“We’re over-subscribed.” says Abu bin-Walid, bomb instructor at a training camp in the outskirts of Damascus. “At first it was great, plenty of new recruits to spread the word of Allah and/or their guts all over the place. But now I can’t sort through candidates quickly enough. This morning I had to turn away an accountant who threatened to blow someone up if he didn’t get in. I told him if he did to tell me where he got his explosives from, because I’ve run out trying to equip my men, I’ve got so many of them.”

The influx of middle-class dickheads looking to leave behind a life of relative comfort in an industralised country has resulted in a chronic shortage of terrorism opportunities, taking away the one outlet that young, disenfranchised Syrian men have. “After meddling in this region’s politics, killing its people and exploiting its natural resources, they’ve come and taken the only thing they have left.”

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UN confirms “unequivocally” Assad using chemical weapons

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A UN inspector gathering chemicals. There are at least five types of them in this picture alone.

The UN has confirmed “unequivocally and objectively” that chemical weapons have been used in Syria.

A UN report says that Assad’s government has repeatedly and indiscreetly used weapons against rebels, and that these weapons contain several chemicals. These chemicals are highly dangerous, known to regularly cause fatalities unless wielded by someone who can’t use an iron sight properly.  Foreign Secretary William Hague said he was ‘disgusted and disappointed by the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons in this day and age, especially when there are perfectly usable nuclear weapons available. There’s nothing in the NPT that stipulates that you can’t just buy nuclear weapons from a particular world power as long as nobody finds out about it.”

Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is insisting that the chemical weapons are nothing to worry about, as they are in fact made from natural materials: “They’re made from stuff that’s been dug out of the ground, sourced from ancient alluvial deposits.” He added that Sarin gas is an organic compound, a damn sight better than all the inorganic compounds used in conventional weapons.

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Assad orders chemical attacks on civilians

“Fuck it, might as well”

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Multiple outlets are confirming a chemical attack in Damascus, killing an estimated 1429 people.

Assad had this to say: “I don’t normally use chemical agents in war seeing how it’s a violation of human rights, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and get invaded for something we didn’t do – I’m not becoming another cliché. So fuck it, I might as well. I was initially going to crack out the barrels of Sarin gas for a special occasion like my birthday, but hey ho, plans change. I don’t even have a choice in the matter: it’s not like I can bring the stuff with me when I high-tail it out of here when the troops arrive – ever since 9/11 it’s become an absolute pain trying to bring 50 tonnes of nerve agent on a plane. And if I leave them lying around some poor sod is going to open one and get themselves gassed, so it’s better that I use it up and get it out of the way before someone gets hurt.”

Obama’s administration has received praise from the world community for their swift reaction to the attacks. “It breaks the fundamental laws of physics to respond to something *before* it happens. It just goes to show how committed the USA is to ensuring the safety of Syrian civilians. They’re out there saving the world while the rest of us are too tangled in the red tape of general relativity to get anything done.” Russia was alone in condemning the military action, claiming that the several independent mass spectrometry tests of air samples confirming the deployment of Sarin were inconclusive. “Our test results show that the toxic gas detected was not due to chemical weapons, but merely the result of someone eating a dodgy falafel.”

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Obama-Putin summit: overview

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They also both agreed to a 100% increase in dietary fibre

A summary of the key points of the meeting:

  • They both agreed to up the stakes on their bet on who will emerge victorious in Syria, just to keep things interesting. Obama promised to give Alaska back if Putin wins, while Putin offered his timeshare in the Arctic Circle if Assad pulls it off.
  • Negotiations turned frosty after their discord over whose flag has more red, white and blue until they were both reminded that they have the biggest nuclear-penises in the world, followed by a smug nod of acknowledgement and high-fives.
  • An announcement of the plan to set up a direct hotline between the Whitehouse and the Kremlin, part of Obama’s assurance that Putin can get in touch with him whenever he has panic attacks over his recent divorce.
  • Putin also took the chance to congratulate Obama on the NSA, stating that “at least someone is still spying on America, even if it’s America itself.”
  • There were some disagreements: particularly over the legitimacy of photos where Putin is wrestling a bear that are circulating on the internet. Obama also accused him of being a “lightweight”, which Putin responded to by revealing that the large glass of water he’d been sipping at was in fact vodka.
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