Tag Archives: terrorism

Syrian government to impose quota on UK immigrants

The latest surge in westerners coming into the country and fucking everything up is the greatest Syria has seen since the end of the Second World War.

The Syrian government will limit the number of migrants from the UK o 10,000 from the start of next year, sources close to the president say.

The policy, which has been condemned by the USA as a ‘blatant move to restrict movement of the West in the Middle East’, is a response to the increasing problem of British citizens who come to the country looking to join ISIS or any other terrorist organisation that might be in the area. This comes after Turkey’s refusal to tighten border controls at the Bulgarian border, the last stop in the European Union before entering the Middle East. From here, swathes of dentists, lawyers and engineers make their way into Turkey and beyond after a gruelling three-hour Easyjet flight from London to Sofia.

Syria has seen a spike in British immigration in the past couple years, following the opportunities in terrorism and murder that opened up with the emergence of ISIS. However, reports show there are now a record 20 applicants for every place in the country’s numerous training camps.

“We’re over-subscribed.” says Abu bin-Walid, bomb instructor at a training camp in the outskirts of Damascus. “At first it was great, plenty of new recruits to spread the word of Allah and/or their guts all over the place. But now I can’t sort through candidates quickly enough. This morning I had to turn away an accountant who threatened to blow someone up if he didn’t get in. I told him if he did to tell me where he got his explosives from, because I’ve run out trying to equip my men, I’ve got so many of them.”

The influx of middle-class dickheads looking to leave behind a life of relative comfort in an industralised country has resulted in a chronic shortage of terrorism opportunities, taking away the one outlet that young, disenfranchised Syrian men have. “After meddling in this region’s politics, killing its people and exploiting its natural resources, they’ve come and taken the only thing they have left.”

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Bacteria population “insulted” by comparisons to terrorism

Bacteria are becoming less and less responsive to antibiotics and death threats.

Bacteria are becoming increasingly resistant to drugs, which is also making it more difficult to get high.

The Enzyme tracked down a a Mycobacterium tuberculosis loitering in one of our reporters’ lungs for an interview, to shed light on the other side of the threat posed by antibiotic resistant bacteria.

“We’re in your schools, in your hospitals, in your homes, even in bed with your wife. We’re everywhere, while Al Qaeda’s busy masturbating in a bunch of barren caves waiting to be killed by the same country that was only convinced their president wasn’t a terrorist when he killed the guy he was mistaken for. Frankly, we’re insulted – we’re not even in the same league. Ask yourself this: when’s the last time the IRA killed a third of Europe? Sure, admittedly it’s been a slow half a century or so but we just got hold of these sweet new enzymes that take care of those stupid antibiotics, and we’re getting ready to raise a few fevers in these apes. Just as well, too – someone’s gotta pick up the slack left by those viruses. Now, if you don’t mind getting that electron microscope out of my face I have a 3 o’clock gene transfer with some Staphylococcus.”

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