Tag Archives: uk

Vue to label cinemas as quiet zones to stop people from using their phones


Vue Cinema will be trialling fluorescent “Quiet Zone” labels in cinema screens at Stratford Westfield in an attempt to deter people from using their phones during film screenings.

Mobile phone usage at the cinema continues to be a problem, which which flies in the face of the conventional wisdom that you would not waste an experience you’ve literally paid time and money for by spending it making a phone call. The venue is therefore trying out the signs after seeing their unparalleled success on British rail networks in keeping people from using loud electronic devices, which is all the more unbelievable considering face-to-face conversations between two commuters about whether they prefer a fixed rate or variable mortgage is just fucking irritating.

The manager at Stratford explained the effectiveness of it on the trains. “If you stabbed a guy on a train into London and it was in a Quiet Zone, nobody would give a shit until the victim called 999. Within *seconds* some grumpy middle-aged cunt will see it as their civic duty to firmly remind them to take their call to the next carriage. If the sign can get Londoners to break their stoic indifference towards fellow passengers almost instantly, it should work in the cinema too.”

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Osborne urges ‘stiff upper lip’ in face of spending cuts


The austerity measures will affect everyone: for example, the Chancellor will be forced to get an even smaller briefcase.

George Osborne called for UK citizens to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of impending cuts to public spending, he announced this morning.

The Chancellor will be delivering the second budget this year in July, which is expected to helpfully fill everyone in on the details omitted in the run-up to the election, such as the £12 billion in cuts that has everyone shitting themselves so hard that their toilets could be mistaken for the Conservative manifesto.  The speech this morning was an attempt to allay some of those fears: “I know that it will be a difficult time for those who rely on disability benefits, the NHS and income support. Some of you may even find yourselves going to bed hungry on some nights. This is why I urge you all: no matter how loud your stomach rumbles, or how loudly your kids cry because they’re spending another night in the park, not to let it get to you. Keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, that’s what makes this country truly great, what being British is truly about.”

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Sun readers now looking for other excuses for why they’re reading The Sun


The Sun announced that it is replacing Page 3 with another page that is numbered three but without boobs, which means now its readers need to find other ways to justify reading the tabloid newspaper that ranks somewhere between double-ply and single-ply toilet paper in terms of journalism quality.

Previously, people reading the Sun -typically by picking it up on buses where it was left by commuters up at 6am (the only demographic sleep-deprived enough to pay for such crap)- could at least say it’s only because of the naked women or their refreshingly naive opinions on current affairs. They could then rest assured that everyone will think that they’re only reading the rest of the paper so as to not look like they picked it up just for Page 3.

However, in the absence of consensual nudity, they will be forced to admit that they genuinely enjoy reading articles with the factual content of a Buzzfeed list, while having their command written English ruined at the same time. It will be harder yet to explain why they would prefer reading the advice column when they can stream Jeremy Kyle on ITVplayer on their smartphones for free.

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Bob Crow to unionise Hell

“Satan’s plutocratic days are numbered”


Bob Crow, the late General Secretary of the  National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers (RMT), has vowed “not to rest in peace until workers in Hell get a fairer deal”, a conversation with a ouija board revealed this afternoon.

The union leader, who helped secure pensions for thousands of in the transport sector and fuck over the mornings of millions of commuters, died earlier today and was sent to Hell, where he was immediately appalled by the conditions that workers are enduring: no minimum wage, zero hour contracts and a lack of air conditioning despite being stuck several kilometres below the surface. Crow added: “There are people here mining sulphur without gas masks or fireproof clothing – I’ve been here for two hours and have already seen someone fall into a pit of lava.”

Workers’ rights in Hell have been steadily eroded over the past 2000 years since the installation of Satan as overseer of the dominion, for those who are lucky enough to have kept their jobs in the first place. The large influx of souls condemned to eternal damnation during the Black Death, pushed the economy of Hell to breaking point as it struggled to create jobs that lasted until the end of time. During this period, trade unions lost a lot of their power and haven’t recovered since -something Bob Crow promises to change. “My work has only just begun on restoring the trade unions of the Underground to make sure the damned get pensions and fair wages.”

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What you can do to prepare for Cameron’s Internet

1. Stock up on porn. The more perverted, deranged and life-threatening, the better. In the coming years, good old-fashioned smut will become as hard to come by here as a clear day in London.

2. Invest in a microwave. If and when the local neighbourhood watch comes knocking thanks to new powers to investigate any households using VPNs, TOR, proxy servers or anything else to sneak contraband in past the great firewall of Britain, you’ll want to at least be able to plausibly deny that you were on RedTube. Pop your hard drive into a microwave for sixty seconds at full power to eliminate most traces of perversion, such as pornography, sites related to gay acitivism, sexual health and education, and even counselling. Just make sure you put on a pair of trousers, hide the Polish gingerbread you were snacking on and drape a Union Jack over yourself when you answer the door to make your cover story of reading the Daily Mail more believable.

3. Learn Mandarin. The Chinese have had a good 20 years to practice shielding the public from the Internet, so it stands to reason that Chinese sites to get around network filters will be the best. Speaking the local language would also come in handy when it comes to eventually moving to somewhere with less internet censorship.

4. Get a job in a big company, preferably in technology. Money is power, and you can bet that any self-respecting business will be able to buy itself into the internet the way it was meant to be used. Not a corporate cog in the system or too scared to use the company VPN for recreational purposes? Too fucking bad. Now you realise why Big Society is named as such: it’s all for the big guys.

5. Write to your MP in protest of internet censorship, and pray that he/she can see past the ‘think of the children’ smokescreen. You might instead pray that they don’t, because you want to make sure that your efforts have failed so you can throw your hands up in the air and say that you tried as a way to shut up everyone who criticises you for slacktivism on Facebook. But if you wanted that, you could just write them an email, and let the technological literacy of the average UK MP do the rest.

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Conservative party to turn lead into gold


And we didn’t even have to delete the Internet to do it.

Following the Conservative party’s complete success in erasing all traces of their broken promises, which include a freeze on VAT rates and a pledge to keep Education Maintenance Allowance, David Cameron has given the go-ahead to a plan to transmute lead into gold.

The Prime Minister explained that the difficult part is over. “We’ve successfully removed any evidence that we pledged to keep universal child benefits. After that, coaxing the 10^27 or so protons to undergo electron capture to turn lead into gold is trivial.” As of yesterday, none of the ten pledges listed in this article can be found anywhere on the Internet, and especially not archived in the British Library.

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Millions of Londoners go back to ignoring each other now storm damage has been cleared up


Along with the material damage, the storm dealt a strong blow to the idea that English weather is just a damp, empty threat.

The effects of the storm that hit large parts of the UK on Monday morning have now been mostly cleared up, including the brief spate of interaction between neighbours required to move fallen trees and debris.

The strong winds that uprooted hundreds of trees and blew roof tiles off also pushed thousands of satellite dishes and TV aerials out of alignment. When commuters came home from work after bravely ignoring the world around them, many were forced to borrow a ladder from next door in time for the news at 6pm where they could act as voyeurs of storm damage without risking talking to other people. Those unlucky enough to live on their own also sought the help of strangers to move large trees that had recently moved into their back gardens.

Sean, from Chelmsford, had to reclaim his parasol that blew into the garden five doors away. “I knew I might have to talk to the guys living either side of me to put our fences back up, but I didn’t expect to have to go that far. I didn’t even know what the guys at number 25 looked like until last night.” As soon as Sean retrieved his parasol and exchanged empty promises of inviting them under it for a barbecue he went back on to Facebook to post snarky comments about how a transport system that generally sees nothing more than rain can’t cope with weather that occurs once a generation. His status read: “WTF. Trust the British rail network to not be prepared for a few tonnes of wood strewn across their rails. Get some fucking leafblowers TfL!!!”

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Madeleine McCann’s parents offering £40,000 to informants to shut up


Following the Metropolitan Police’s reward of £20,000 to anyone with information leading to the arrest of Madeleine McCann, the parents of Portugal’s most wanted 10-year-old have provided a counter-offer to anyone with such information to keep it to themselves.

The recent fresh appeal to the public for information received such a positive response that Kate and Gerry McCann are now worrying that they might be approaching closure on the incident, and offered £30,000 to anyone who had any conclusive information. The offer was then raised to £40,000 after a man claimed to be one of the kidnappers but then got arrested for perjury because he wasn’t, and was just sick and tired of reading it in the news. When Kate was asked about her motivation behind offer, she gave this emotional response: “The media frenzy surrounding the kidnapping has, in a weird way, come to replace Maddy in our hearts in her absence. To think this might actually end is unthinkable.”

Many have criticised the move by the couple from Leicestershire, pointing out that it will encourage people to monetise the kidnapping of an innocent child, and more importantly be a huge financial drain as there is little stopping anyone from coming forward with bogus information. Kate responded by saying: “It’s a loss-leader. I’ll make it all back with a few book and movie deals.”

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