Tag Archives: usa

Millions of American gay couples now scrambling for excuses not to get married

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Following the US Supreme Court ruling to legalise gay marriage, same-sex couples across the country are now having to quickly make up new excuses for why they aren’t going to tie the knot in the near future. Until today, they could easily sidestep the question by shaking an angry fist at their oppressive government. Now that the USA has finally pulled ahead of the likes of China and Turkey in civil rights, American gay men and women will need to be more creative with their excuses, like claiming that deep down they are homophobes who couldn’t bring themselves to accept gay marriage, or that they’re trying to avoid all the mistakes their parents made.

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Ebola epidemic sees spike in users playing Pandemic game

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The current epidemic of the Ebola virus disease, which has claimed over 3,000 lives so far, has caused web traffic to the website hosting the Pandemic game to double since the outbreak.

The web-based Flash game allows the player to create and customise their own microbial agent, in an attempt to infect and kill as much of Earth’s population as possible. The game allows anyone with a stable internet connection to simulate and experience the horrors of a lethal virus, bacteria or parasite that leaves pus and destruction in its wake without having to risk so much as stepping outside their home, a luxury unfortunately not afforded to those residing in West Africa.

Pandemic’s resemblance to real-life events has brought the game back into the public conscience, with number of visitors to crazymonkeygames.com (where the game can be played) doubling 24 hours after news that a man in Texas has contracted Ebola. However, players are quick to admit that the outbreak is rather unrealistic. The main complaint is that no player would ever invest evolution points in lethal symptoms like haemorrhaging this early in the game, and should rather try to get transmission up as quickly as possible. The other is that the virus has managed to spread to two regions without Madagascar closing its ports.

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Police stumped as not a single dark-skinned person present during Washington Navy Yard shooting

Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department have admitted that they are completely stumped over the identity of the perpetrators of the shooting at Washington Navy Yard yesterday, as there wasn’t a single ethnic-looking person in sight.

The department’s Chief of Police, Cathy Lanier, said that ‘all their leads have drawn a blank’, and that the department ‘will be forced to consider the possibility that American citizens of European origin could have been behind this’. Initially, CCTV footage of the nearby area was run through government-issued skin tone recognition software ‘BlackTrack’. When this failed to reveal anyone darker than Christina Hendricks with sunburn, analysts turned to records of who signed in and out of the yard within the past 24 hours. Each name was traced all the way back to its immigrant ancestors. “When every one of them was pure European by blood, we drew a blank. There were a few Irish descendants, which would have helped out if this were the 1900’s. Since I’ve been here, we’ve never had to go beyond this stage before. Now we’re going to have to actually start bringing people in for questioning.”

 

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Assad orders chemical attacks on civilians

“Fuck it, might as well”

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Multiple outlets are confirming a chemical attack in Damascus, killing an estimated 1429 people.

Assad had this to say: “I don’t normally use chemical agents in war seeing how it’s a violation of human rights, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and get invaded for something we didn’t do – I’m not becoming another cliché. So fuck it, I might as well. I was initially going to crack out the barrels of Sarin gas for a special occasion like my birthday, but hey ho, plans change. I don’t even have a choice in the matter: it’s not like I can bring the stuff with me when I high-tail it out of here when the troops arrive – ever since 9/11 it’s become an absolute pain trying to bring 50 tonnes of nerve agent on a plane. And if I leave them lying around some poor sod is going to open one and get themselves gassed, so it’s better that I use it up and get it out of the way before someone gets hurt.”

Obama’s administration has received praise from the world community for their swift reaction to the attacks. “It breaks the fundamental laws of physics to respond to something *before* it happens. It just goes to show how committed the USA is to ensuring the safety of Syrian civilians. They’re out there saving the world while the rest of us are too tangled in the red tape of general relativity to get anything done.” Russia was alone in condemning the military action, claiming that the several independent mass spectrometry tests of air samples confirming the deployment of Sarin were inconclusive. “Our test results show that the toxic gas detected was not due to chemical weapons, but merely the result of someone eating a dodgy falafel.”

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North Korea reports complete destruction of South Korea, Japan and USA

Media outlets in Pyongyang are reporting the “complete and utter destruction” of South Korea, Japan and parts of the USA after they refused to heed their threats that any interference with their missile tests, or any military action at all, would be met with a swift response from the fist of mighty Kim Il-Sung.

The country’s populace are preparing to celebrate their victory over their foes, anticipating a nationwide feast now there are no enemies to ruin their harvests. North Korea’s UN ambassador made his country’s message clear: “We could not tolerate the aggression of the USA and its allies any longer, nor claims by its media that our threats were empty. Now the only things that are empty are the streets of Seoul and Tokyo. Let this be a warning to anyone who dares to underestimate North Korea, henceforth known as just Korea.”

The deployment of nuclear missiles is the culmination of months of mounting tensions and escalating threats from both sides, apart from Japan which was too busy trying to deal with China to worry about North Korea. A spokesperson for Japan described the blasé attitude of his country in the face of annihilation:  “A couple nukes aren’t enough to scare us any more – the surprise factor kind of wears off after the second time. And we’re practically immune to fallout now.”

 

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USA declares war on entropy

The world’s most powerful country has declared war on entropy this morning, stating that “not even the second law [of thermodynamics] will save it now”.

American scientists were reported to have had a good laugh after the watching the press conference, before the realisation sunk in that their country had genuinely extended their running streak of declaring war on abstract concepts. Many of those working closely with the military took time out from working on the “atom bomb of the 21st century” to advise the Department of Defense on their plan of attack. They have so far recommended treating entropy like an internet troll: responding (with weapons) will only serve to strengthen the enemy.

In his statement, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, told citizens that “everyone is in this war”, and that even regular folk can contribute to the fight. The Department of Defense has also issued a list of ways that civilians can fight entropy, available on its website. The tips include cutting down on physical activity, and reducing fuel and food consumption – putting America’s citizens in the dilemma of whether going to war is more American than guzzling petrol and donuts.

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Detainees tortured by being forced to use dial-up in Guantanamo Bay

A damning report from one of our undercover reporters has revealed that the United States government has authorised the use of excruciatingly slow download speeds in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.

Prisoners are locked in a comfortable room supplied with snacks, housing a computer (capable of running only Internet Explorer) that connects to the Internet via a 56kbit/s modem from the early 21st century, then left to let their own boredom overcome them as they proceed to check emails and browse social networking sites. In cases where effective, grunts of frustration and slams against the table can be heard within minutes of browsing as the subject resigns him/herself to seeing red crosses all over image-heavy websites. If this method is insufficient then interrogators will make a phone call timed to drop their connection just before finishing downloading a pornographic video, which has already resulted in one inmate hanging himself with a USB cable.

This report comes after discovering that communications hardware manufacturer Linksys received an order of 10,000 dial-up modems from an anonymous Cuban businessman two months ago, intially assumed to be a practical joke akin to a sending 50 pizzas to someone’s house. In an interview, Linksys refused to comment on why they had so much outdated hardware in the first place.

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